Annnnndddd .... We're off!

Went to my fertility doctor this morning. Things are looking good! My lining is nice and my ovaries are quiet (which is a good thing at this stage). So now we're back in the swing of things!

Church these past few Sundays has been amazing and so uplifting. I feel as if I'm in a good place mentally and spiritually. I feel centered. I feel good. So if we don't get pregnant this month - at least we are back in the groove. We're finally doing something rather than just hanging out and waiting.

Warning! Heading in to possible TMI! The doc did want to take another culture of my cervix mucus. My doc is finding out that certain types of bacteria in the cervix can have an effect on fertility and and may "influence" pregnancy loss. My doc decided to test me for this as I've lost two pregnancies ... If I do carry bacteria, then Husband and I will be placed on meds (Husband, too, because we would just pass it back and forth. Ew).  I haven't done much research about it - but plan to! I'm the type of person that always wants to be informed and in-the-know. But it will definitely be interesting to see how the culture comes back. If it is indeed positive - then that would explain a lot!

Until then, I have my schedule set and we're back in the game!

~M

To quote Jessie Spano ...

"I'm so excited! I'm ... so ... scared!"

It's THE month, my friends. This is the month Husband and I are able to start trying to conceive again. I'm feeling a lot of emotions: excited, nervous, dread ...

I'm excited because I'm happy to be on the bandwagon again. I'm happy that we get another shot at conceiving. Excited and hoping that this time may be all that we need to get pregnant.

I'm nervous because I don't (really, really don't) want to go through what I did in January and February: the joy, the happiness, and then the sudden slap of horrible news, the pain, the tears ... I'm not so sure I can handle going through that again.

I am dreading this month in a way because of the drugs. It's been three months since I've had any fertility drugs pumped in my system. I don't like how they make me feel. I don't like the intrution with all the ultrasounds and shots and bloodwork. It was one thing when it happened every month - it's like I got into a rhythm. But now that I've been out of the game for three months - it's just a bit harder to step back in.

However, all the balls can't get rolling again until I get my period. So we wait. Because my cycle is so off from the miscarriage and D&C - I'm not exactly sure when my period will come - I've got a ballpark guess. That's about it. AND I'm getting a bit more nervous in the fact that Husband will be leaving for Colorado in a few weeks. So if my lovely period doesn't come SOON the timing could be totally off and we miss our window. I would in no way want him to miss Colorado (his best friend's bachelor party). Husband has been looking forward to this since last year!

THUS - I just pray. Pray that everything will work out. That if this is our month - then God will take control and it will be as it should be.

There's not much more to do than that ...

~M

Faking It

That's right. Sometimes I fake it. Not to brag or anything, but I'm really good at it.

And, no, I'm not talking about with Husband. :)

I fake happiness. Now, I don't do it all the time. I'd like to consider myself a geniunely happy person with a slightly pessimistic spin. Does that even make sense?! But there are times where fake happiness must make an appearance. I find that more and more in my infertility journey - my ability to fake happiness is getting a work out! Sometimes I dislike myself for my ability. Other times I'm grateful for it.

It always seems like everyone is getting pregnant. And just when you thought that everyone IS pregnant; more everyones become pregnant. Lovely.

As I've said in a previous post - I still choose joy for those that are pregnant, have given birth, have adopted a child ... all those things are miracles in itself! But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I still get down. I still need to fake happiness here and there because really, people. Infertility is HARD. It SUCKS. If you let it consume you (as I've done in the past) - it's even exhausting. Very, very exhausting.

I'm the lone ranger in our group of friends. Husband and I are the only couple without children. So friend conversations now revolve around babies, children, day care, birth, pregnancy, diapers, baby toys ... you name it. I can hold my own a bit because I have five adorable nieces and nephews so I at least have an idea of what they are talking about. But there are times when I just want to walk outside and let out the loudest and longest frustrated scream. Then calmly walk back inside all better. Or maybe just change the subject all together. How about those Blues, eh? We're actually going to make it to the playoffs!!

No such luck.

Sometimes I'll escape the female chatter and go hang out with Husband and the guys. There I can sit quietly and save myself from endless baby talk. I can only take so much.

Or I just fake it. And then I feel bad that I'm faking it b/c these are my friends! I care about them and their families! I don't like being a bad friend ...

But ... there's always a "but" ... I'm only as strong as I let myself be. Most of the time if I fake happiness - I usually can fight through the woe-is-me fog that wants to settle around me. Other times I'm able to table it and throw my brief pity party once I'm by myself. Or I handle as much as I can and then go to Husband and whisper "Please get me out of here" to which he will with complete understanding.

This weekend we are having friends over with their children. It's so wonderful to be able to get together and entertain at our house. But I know I'm in for baby talk out of this world. And this time, I won't be able to escape it (it being my house and all...). These friends don't know about our latest miscarriage and what we've been through. I've always been very vocal about our journey - but I've discovered that some (actually, most) people get  uncomfortable. And I don't blame them! What do you say?! Usually if I bring it up - I'm met with pitying looks and/or silence. So I shut my trap and on we go.

So my advice to you and all those out there with friends struggling with infertility - just ask them how they are doing. Ask them if they are okay. Listen to them. Let them talk it out. Give them a reassuring hand or hug and just simply say: I am so sorry you are going through this.

I would give anything - ANYTHING! if one of our friends would look at me and say "Mara, how are you doing?" And then just let me talk and be there to listen. If I didn't have my mother or Husband or this blog - I would have no way to talk about infertility. Why is that?! How did infertility become a four letter word that no one talks about?!

I've promised myself to never forget. I will never forget how infertility has affected me. I will always drop everything to listen and support anyone I know going through this. Infertility can be a lonely journey for couples and especially lonely for women. I don't ever want another woman to feel alone or left out like I have felt by other women.

My hcg has officially gone negative. It took my body awhile to realize that I wasn't pregnant anymore. So if everything continues it's course - we should be ready to go in April. I'm beyond nervous. I'm full of what-if's: what if it doesn't work? what if something goes wrong? What if we have to do IVF (which scares me to no end ...)

God's got something going on, I know. I'm not a particular fan of what's going on at the moment but He is God after all. Who am I to question? (Although, I can't help it!). I'm just going to continue to pray for peace and courage to get through what is ahead.

There's a lot ahead for us. Hopefully, I won't have to fake it ever again.

~M

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall ...

It's been five days since my D&C. Big props to St. Luke's Hospital's Women's Surgery group - they rock. They were so sweet with me and made me feel at ease. The only truly physical pain I had was getting the IV in my hand (OW!!). But I was always wrapped in warm blankets and they would stop to tell me they were sorry I was here. Their understanding and empathy was just wonderful - and helped to calm me.

I then spent the rest of the week and through the weekend laying around in my cozy robe. The drugs they gave me lasted all day Thursday - but when Friday hit ... good lawd. It was intense. I was pounding Advil b/c I didn't want to take the heavy duty pain killer they gave me. ick.

And, of course, I cried. I cried when I came out of surgery. I cried on the way home. I REALLY cried the next day when the pain was at it's peak. Saturday I forced myself to leave the house and get a facial. (It was lovely). I pushed Husband out the door Saturday night so he could go meet up with his buddies. I can only imagine how he probably needed to get out of our house. I was (kinda still am...) a huge buzz kill. One person can handle only so much crying and robe wearing.

I'm back at work now. Still bleeding and still uncomfortable but I thought I was getting better until I looked at myself in the mirror last night. Good. God. I swear I look like Humpty Dumpty. My belly looks like an egg. I seriously look like I've gained 20 pounds and it's all in my middle. Cue the tears.

As I'm crying - Husband wants to know what is wrong. "I look like Humpty Dumpty!" I wail and bury my face back in my kleenex. Husband hesitated, wondering if he heard me right. "Um ... Humpty Dumpty?" he asks. "Yes!" I cry (and/or sob). And then I finally look at him. He's trying not to laugh at me. He's got that grin you get when you are desperately trying not to laugh out loud. And of course, I get mad and rip of robe. "Look at my stomach! Look how huge I look!" He stares at me - "I don't see anything."

Oh bless his heart, my lying Husband. He's supposed to say that! If he was like "Holy crap! You're huge!" that would have just caused more tears and disasters. He answered correctly but I still told him he's supposed to say he doesn't see anything b/c he's my husband. And then I stomped off to finish my pitiful cry on the couch.

I called the doctor this morning because if you go on the internet it always gives you a diagnosis one step away from death. My humpty dumpty appearance isn't totally normal - but I just might be retaining water. Drink gatorade they tell me. I rather poke my eye out. I cannot handle gatorade after my two weeks of drinking nothing but (remember back in September?)... So I call Mom. Vitamin Mom to the rescue! She researches and finds that if I take like 10 gazillion pills of alfalfa - it will help. I'll just pee a lot. Okay. That I can handle. Heading to Whole Foods asap.

The fun just never ends, eh?

I was trying to explain to Husband how this experience has made me feel and I thought of two words: defective and broken. Kind of one in the same ... Women are made to bear children. And here I am unable to do the one thing I am made to do. I feel unwomanly and like a failure. And then you play the what if game ... What if we started sooner? What if we went straight to IUI instead of wasting our time trying to conceive as naturally as we could? It's just an endless cycle. And so not worth it. I'm trying to get out of my black cloud. I know I'm not fun to be around. I haven't really enjoyed being around me either!

Mom and I head to Miami on Saturday for our annual Mommy/Daughter trip. And it's supposed to rain EVERY DAY we are there. Figures. But at least it will be warm and rainy there rather than cold and rainy here. I'm looking forward to just getting away with my mom and being around another woman. I straight up just want my mommy.

So I'm taking it one day at a time. Wearing lots of leggings with longer tops thanks to my Humpty Dumpty syndrome. I'm hoping I feel somewhat like myself soon. This is just pure misery. I truly, truly hope that I never never never never ever have to go through this again. [shudder].

~M

Amazing Husband

I have to brag about Husband. He is, quite simply, amazing. More and more I realize just how amazing he is - through each of our trials and bumps in our journey ... He. Is. Amazing.

I was reminded (again) of this these past few weeks. To update you from my last post ... I got pregnant! I took a test and the nurses called and I was overcome with joy. I mean squeal and run around the room giggling like a maniac joy. I left work immediately and drove the 25 minutes to Husband's work where I blubbered all over him trying to tell him we were pregnant while everyone he works with was leaving the office for lunch and staring at us. (He was slightly embarrassed ...) I then drove the 30 minutes to my parent's house screaming "MOM! MOOOOOOMMMMMM!" Until I found her and then blubbered all over her and my dad.

It was wonderful. Husband walked around with a bit of a dumbfounded look on his face like this is really happening. And would nod and smile at me when I insisted that my belly was growing and I needed cute maternity clothes asap. We started talking names. Husband would rub my belly every night before bed. I bought tons of books and would read them out loud to Husband (who is not a fan of reading). We started planning and talking of our future and of the year to come. It was just lovely.

At six weeks, we headed to the doctor to get our first ultrasound. We'd get to see the heart beat and do a check up. Talk about excited! We walked into the hospital holding hands and I teased Husband that we may have twins. It was so fun. Then the ultrasound. No heartbeat. And the fetus was super small. I laid on the table and cried for 15 minutes while the (insensitive) ultrasound lady took a gazillion pictures. And then we heard the news we already knew: failed pregnancy.

I (somewhat) held it together while we were in the doctor's office. But the minute we got to the car - I sobbed. Wracking, silent crying at times sobs. Husband just sat with me and held my hand. I called my mom and sobbed some more. Bless her heart - she called everyone we had told so I wouldn't have to. The rest of the day had me sobbing at random times; usually out of the blue. Husband would just hold me or scratch my back, rub my hair ... I was so wrapped up in myself and how I was feeling that I never thought to ask if he was okay. I finally came to my senses when I saw him crying with me at one point. My body has to go through the miscarriage - but Husband has to watch it all unfold (and feel helpless). I don't know if one is worse than the other.

Tomorrow I get a suction D&C where they will suction out my uterus lining and test the tissue to see if it can tell us anything. I will bleed (a lot). And we won't be able to try to conceive until April. APRIL. Needless to say - I'm bumming hard core.

But Husband ... wonderful, amazing Husband. He has been right by my side this ENTIRE time. He takes time away from work, he stays home, he sits next to me for long periods of time to hold me when I cry. He makes me laugh. He get's me out of my blue mood. In a nutshell, he's been my rock; my anchor. I honestly have taken him for granted. What is second hat to me b/c Husband is like this all the time - is not necessarily true for everyone else. I am horribly, horribly spoiled by him.

And if he is this amazing with me - don't you think he will be the best gosh darn father, ever?!?! Yes. Yes he will.

So this post is a tribute to my husband. Who makes me laugh, makes me feel sexy, is sweet, KIND, funny as hell, super handsome, and a sexy beast. :) I truly, truly love him.

~M

God's Timing

I took a break from blogging b/c I felt my posts were getting a bit negative and a bit boo-hoo wah-wah. Who wants to read about that?! I certainly didn't and I know that as of right now - I'm really the only one reading this blog as I haven't made it known that I'm even writing a blog ... I wanted to try my hand at blog writing before I let others know I was actually doing it ...

I've come a LONG way from October. We're still TTC. Right before Christmas, we did IUI (more on that in another post). It was a bit sad, a bit exciting. I'm currently in the 2 week waiting period to see if I'm pregnant. Extreme torture that 2 week waiting period. You have two weeks to over-analyze, ponder, and google everything.

However, I'm in a better place this time around. At church, our Christmas Eve service was about hope. So over my vacation from work (which was lovely, BTW) I finally sat down for some quiet time. A solid hour of reading my bible and writing in my journal. Something I haven't done in quite awhile - as in much, much too long.

I started looking up verses that had to do with hope. I was desiring a fresh outlook in regards to it. For so long - hope was a bad word to me. If I got my hopes up or had too much hope, then I would be completely crushed once I got my period. It was such a vicious cycle. I wanted to have hope and have it not get me down. I found some great verses ... but stumbled upon something completely different. If I take notes during a sermon, I usually end up putting those notes in my bible. I found notes from John 5 - the story of Lazarus. Jesus, who dearly loved his family, waited two days to head to Lazarus. TWO DAYS! Why? Because Jesus knew God's plan and His timing. So - in a nutshell. God ain't no joke! (duh). But He has a perfect plan and perfect timing. I know this! But yet, I continued to stomp my feet, cry and ask why. I have a Life Study Bible (totally recommend it!) that summarize certain verses - basically put it the passage in perspective or give certain means. So in the little summary - it told me to patiently await His timing.

Whoa. I stared at that for a long, long time. It really struck a cord with me. So I had a hearty cry and gave it all to God. I do need to be patient and I do need to await his timing. He has a reason for my infertility - I may not know what that is but he doesn't do things willy-nilly! I asked him for strength to patiently wait for him and thanked him for speaking to me and changing my heart.

And then a few days later - He spoke to my heart again.

I've been struggling with that evil jealousy emotion when I see a pregnant woman, find out a friend is pregnant, etc. I smile but inside I'm crying and just plain 'ol jealous. NOT GOOD. I came across a blog of a couple going through infertility called "A Blog about Love" In a post, Mara (no relation) talked about her outlook to seeing other mothers or hearing her friends are pregnant, etc. She chose JOY. Children are a miracle. Getting pregnant is a miracle. Giving BIRTH is a miracle. So why, Mara asked, should something so miraculous and joyful make her feel pain?

Well, huh. I thought to myself. That is so true. Why do I let the pain in rather than the wonder and the joy?! Plus, if it is someone I love/care about - their joys should be my joys and their sorrows my sorrows. I vowed then and there - I would CHOOSE JOY. I would patiently await God and pray that my time as a mother is in my future. I trust in God and I hold my hope in Him. In everything.

I ran home to share my epiphany with Husband. I feel so free! Free from worry and pain - now it won't go away completely. Some things are knee-jerk. BUT I am more self-aware and in such a more positive place. And Husband hugged me telling me that now he sees the woman he married. The positve, happy-go-lucky girl. He said he was happy to see me again. Have I really been that negative, I asked him? I know I've been sad but uber negative?! And he just gave me that look. You know - that look that says - Honey, you crazy. Another reason Husband is amazing for putting up with me for over a year in that state of negativity.

SO, my dear friends. My heart is open wide and I'm so grateful that God spoke to me - that my heart was open and I was willing to listen and to understand. Will I be sad if I'm not pregnant this month? You betcha! But will I let it take me down that negative spiral? No way! I also feel that by God speaking to me, he's preparing me. I don't think I'm pregnant this month. I think He's giving me a new outlook, He's helping me cope and giving me the tools that I should have picked up a long time ago. I'm grateful for that, too.

Trust + hope = FAITH. And with that - I will patiently await God's timing and just keep praying.

~M

What a week ...

Please excuse the silly blog title positioning ... I'm still working some kinks out. Blogger savvy, I am not ... But I'm slowly getting the hang of it.

What a week! I can't say it has been the best week... More on the TTC front and it's not good. On Monday we discovered that even tho I got my period - I still had eggs left over from the OHSS debacle. This is normal so I was to take a medication for 10 days that would allow my ovaries to shut down and the eggs to naturally go away. After those 10 days, I would get my period again and then be able to start a new round of treatment. However, before I was able to take the medication, I had to get a pregnancy test just to be sure. No big. Just going through the motions. That afternoon, the nurse called me and seemed concerned. In order for me to be considered "not  pregnant" my hcg horomone needed to be below a 3. It WAS a 3. So I was to go and get another blood test on Monday. Okkkkaaaay.

Imagine my (and the nurses!) surprise when on Wednesday my hcg measured 9. It tripled!! Hello?! The nurse warned me that I may be having a chemical pregnancy (when the egg fails to implant properly) and that I would probably miscarry. Great. But just to be sure I needed to get another blood test on Friday. And the news was that my hcg is now a 10. The fact that it did not decrease is a bad thing. The fact that it didn't shoot up higher is a slightly good thing. So NOW the nurses think I may be having an eptopic pregnancy (when the egg is in the fallopian tube). This is REALLY not good. This could severely damage my tube to the extent that I will have to get it removed. It's a bit harder to get pregnant with one ovary ... I have to go back on Tuesday to get another blood test to monitor my hcg levels. I'm to call the nurses if I feel any pain or have massive amounts of blood flow. I may miscarry over the weekend or they may need to give me an injection in order to force my body to miscarry. An eptopic pregnancy is pretty serious and could be dangerous. Husband's good work buddy almost died recently when she had an undetected eptopic pregnancy (and I'm not being dramatic - it was pretty serious!).

Unfortunately, it's too soon for an ultrasound to see where the egg is and if it is indeed in my fallopian tube. As of right now, we'll just have to rely on blood tests. You should see my poor arms. Thank goodness it is long sleeve weather or people would start to wonder ...

I'm still a bit numb. I don't even know where to start praying ... Of course I'm praying that it's not an eptopic pregnancy. Then I'm asking him to keep me and my ovaries safe. I'm asking for peace of mind. And I'm asking why (I can't help it).

Really, I'm just sad and discouraged. My body is just not happy with me ... It's tough, too, because we must take it day by day; test by test. It's hard to know what is truly going on and I just have to be careful. It's awful. Just awful. Come December, it will be two years that we've been trying to conceive. I'm ready to throw the towel in. Two years of an emotional roller coaster. Granted we haven't gone through major treatments (insemination, IVF) but I've had enough drugs pumped through my system to start my own infertility drug store.

As always - Pandora plays a great song to kick me in my behind. I will try (because right now, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not feeling it) to "praise Him through the storm." (courtesy of Casting Crowns). I think I'll go home, have a nice cry, and eat some ice cream or something. It helps me to have a hearty cry and then I feel better to face the day again.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to stay faithful. Faithful that God is with me. Faithful that He has me with a doctor that knows what he's doing. Faithful that God will protect my body from further harm. I need to stay faithful.

Depressing post, I know. I promise something more uplifiting next week.

~M

Be Still and Know

While sitting at work - I like to play my Pandora. It just helps the day move along faster and I get to rock out. A song came on that made me stop and listen (and read the lyrics. Pandora is so great!) Be Still and Know by Steven Curtis Chapman.

Based on the Proverbs to be still and know God - the song is simply saying - Be Still and listen. Lean on God. I need to remind myself of this every day. Too many times I carry burdens on my own and they get me down. I really, really struggle with laying everything at God's door and letting him take over my heart. Why do I fight Him? It's so silly, really ...

The latest TTC update - this go-round I got OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome). Basically, women with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) like moi have a chance of getting this during their fertility treatments. It was discovered during my internal ultrasound check up that I had NINE EGGS in my ovaries. Nine full size eggs that were still growing (five in one ovary, four in the other). Thus this meant BAD. No way could Husband and I TTC this month for fear that all nine eggs could release and I could be my own Kate Plus Eight (uh, no thank you). AND to top it off, my ovaries were VERY swollen and full of fluid. So if I did anything active (work out, lift weights, lift heavy objects, even had sex!) I could burst or rupture an ovary which could then lead to the excess fluid filling up my lungs. Not good.

The fun side effects of OHSS (besides the possibility of rupturing an ovary) is that my ovaries being so swollen makes me look like I have a buddah belly. Lovely. AND I'm majorly cramping and in pain. Picture your PMS-ing cramping and just intensify that. That's how it feels. My ovaries just feel tender and sore. Let's not forget that I was supposed to be in my BFF's wedding! Where I wasn't supposed to dance or anything. Lame! Thankfully the dresses were loose, so my buddah belly was well hidden. I look at pictures and think I look puffy (but I'm a lot harder on myself than most ...). And I danced, dammit. I took it easy - but I danced. It's just not possible for me to sit on my behind and watch people dancing ...

AND! AND! I can't drink water until I get my period. Because water would make me retain extra fluid which would not be good for the ovaries. So I've been drinking Gatorade for almost two weeks. Two weeks of nothing but Gatorade. BLECH. Can you imagine? It's awful. Do you know how much sugar is in Gatorade? And when you drink it A LOT ... again with the blech.

Needless to say - I've never looked forward to getting my period as I have been these past weeks.

With all of this - I've had a few tearful times. But I'm really working on being still and knowing that God is with me. I'm thankful that I don't have that helpless feeling that I had before - finally I feel my heart is in the right place and I'm truly listening to God (a daily struggle - but still. God knows my heart!).

Each month I'm learning so much about my fertility journey. I hope I will be able to help other women going through the same journey. And I'm thankful I had my "ah-ha" moment so that I could be in a better place as this journey continues. I continue to pray that God will bless Husband and I with a pregnancy. But for now - I will be still and know He is God. Be still and know He is with me. Above all things - that should give me comfort.

~M

Apparently I need to relax ...

As I typed my post title - I was humming "Relax" in my head (you know the song that triggered Zoolander to want to kill the President of Malaysia??) I seem to always relate my posts to songs.... :)

Husband and I met with our fertility doc today. No baby this past try. I was so sure that it was going to happen! We were on vacation - I was relaxed! (or so I thought ...) And I even had two eggs to work with! But no go. So after the tears (lots of tears this time around). We met with our doctor to see what our next steps could be.

Husband and I had made a pact that we'd try things three times and if that didn't work - move on to another option. So we've been dicussing insemination (aka IUI). But Husband is a bit hesitant because he'd like to conceive as naturally as possible (for our situation) and he had said to me: "I'd like to be the one to put the kid there" I so get where he is coming from. I do understand. I think it is a man-thing, too.

But.

I just want to get pregnant! I just want to have a baby! So if IUI gets me closer to that then I'm all for it. However, I do need Husband's help with that (ahem) so I do want us in complete agreement. IUI is a bit more time consuming and more scientific, if you will.

So we met with our doctor and after I gave my schpeel - he told me that I just needed to relax and destress; to which I almost started to cry. Do you know how hard it is for me to relax?!?! Very hard. It takes me ten thousand years to fall asleep b/c my mind is running a mile a minute. I used to ask Husband what he was thinking when he was quiet and he would tell me "nothing." And I just couldn't understand that! I don't think I've ever been silent and thought of nothing. Ever.

But I digress. The female reproductive system is very sensitive - to emotions and physcial stress. So here I am putting bagillion amounts of pressure on myself to get pregnant and I could be (unconsciously) sabatoging my conceiving efforts. So now I'm stressing about keeping myself from stressing out. A vicious cycle!

We'll have to make a decision if we'd like to do IUI - but in the meantime, I'm going ahead with my clomid and follistim shot (helps the eggs mature). They are going to monitor my eggs earlier in my cycle to see if I can have more than one mature egg (the goal is three mature eggs). So Husband and I have a bit of time to decide if we want to try IUI. We'll just have to see.

In the meantime, I need to relax. Take deep breathes. Not stress over silly things like how I'm feeling a little chunky in the middle. Or how I'm getting paid jack in my job (I really do love my job - but it has come ever more apparent how little a few of us are getting paid), or maybe not work until 6 p.m. every night and come home exhausted which results in me not having any energy to work out which circles itself back around to the chubby middle section I'm sporting! (Yay muffin top! No, not really ....)

See?! I even write like I'm stressed out! Yeesh!

Goal for the month of September: DE-STRESS. It is what it is, folks. I will continue to pray to stay faithful - to not try to control my fate or circumstances. I am going to pray that God will help me ease my anxiety. I am uber over-anxious. I will leave my work at work and I will leave work at a decent hour.

And we'll just have to see how I do...

~M

You gotta have faith, a-faith, a-faith-ah!

Thanks, George Michael.

I know I previously wrote about faith here but when something is weighing on my heart like it has this past week - I wanted to share more about it.

I am majorly struggling with my faithfulness. I have been doubting God and myself which just leads to a miserable downward spiral. I recently received my high school newsletter. In the alumni section, a girl who graduated in my class shared that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer last year. I was floored! My first thought was "She's so young!" and then I wondered how she was possibly dealing with all this - three young children (one just a newborn!) and now breast cancer. She gave her blog address and I decided to look it up. (You can read about her journey here).

One word: inspirational.  All I can say is wow. While Erin and I were never really friends in high school, she was always a nice person. And after reading a few of her entries, I have such admiration for her. Her faith is amazing. Absolutely amazing. Here's little ole me boo-hooing about infertility and here is a woman with a young family and a LIFE THREATENING disease. While I'm whining to God, Erin and her husband are praising God and being thankful. Being faithful.

I started to feel two feet tall. I had the cliche Christian response (in my opinion). Whining and feeling anger towards God. Erin, on the other hand, immediately rejoiced in God and leaned on Him and his Word. What have I done? Stopped going to church. Haven't picked up my journal or my bible in a LONG time. Oh, I pray but those prayers are more along the begging side of things (please oh please oh please oh please let me be pregnant). How annoying are those "prayers"?!

Annoying.

Lately, I'd like to think that I've had a Faith Awakening. First the poster. My prayers did start to change a bit. Oh, I still beg, people. Old habits die hard. But I've started to talk with Him in a bit of a different manner. In a way, I've stopped doubting God and have turned all that doubt and anger on myself. Not a good switch and I'm still working through it ...

But ...

I have such a desire to be truly faithful. I had a good conversation with my mom (aka bestest person in the whole world) this morning. And in telling her about my struggle with faithfulness - she said that it sounded as if I had finally reached the point of truly handing it ALL over to God. And I think I have. I've been trying to control my fate, my circumstances. For quite a while I've been looking at my infertility journey with me and my doctor as a team rather than God and me.

So - to God be the glory. May He take hold of my journey and my thoughts and my feelings. He knows my heart and I take comfort in that. So instead I pray for courage and perseverence. I pray that He will bless Husband and me with a child and that I will be able to conceive. Until then, I will remain faithful.

I think God has been working on my heart since my poster sighting but it was Erin's blog that really showed me how weak my faith was (is). If I'm not pregnant, of course I will be sad. And of course, I'm going to cry. BUT I hope (and pray) that my attitude with be different. That I will continue to have faith that somehow God will bless Husband and me. In His own way. In His own time.

~M

Faith

Yesterday I was riding in the elevator to my fertility doc when a poster caught my eye. It said Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark.

I blinked dumbly at the poster my entire elevator ride to the sixth floor. How many times had I riden this same elevator never to notice this poster hanging on the wall?! For one thing - the picture they chose to go with the saying is uber cheesy and just doesn't do the phrase justice. So maybe that's why my eye passed over it ... Or I'm always looking at my phone on the way up and calling Husband on the way down. Who knows.

Yesterday was different. I had a sad day. And I felt like crap. I had a higher dosage of shot #1 on Monday and by Wednesday I was pretty tired of the side effects. But that poster just really made me think. Lately, I've been questioning God. Asking Him why. Asking him what the heck is up. Asking where He is. Basically, I've been a whiny Christian. "Why me?" "Why us?" Wah wah wah. There are times when I expect God to tell me "I'll listen when you speak in your normal voice." (Which is what my father would say to us when we started getting into whiny voice mode.)

So I thought about that poster all day. I met with my mom after my appointment and she just radiates positiveness. She's so faithful and trusting with God. And I so appreciate her and the role model that she is for me. So starting now - I will sing when the dawn is still dark. And I will appreciate and be thankful that God has blessed me in so many other ways rather than being so focused on my struggle with infertility.  I'm blessed to be leaving for Wine Country in t-minus THREE days with Husband. I'm blessed by having two mature eggs in my left ovary and one egg in my right ovary this round of treatment!

I needed to be reminded to be faithful. To trust. And to let God do His thang. Amen!

~M

To say I'm discouraged is an understatement ...

Ever have one of those days where you are just blue? Or when you are all weepy-pants? Woe is me-ish? Well, I've had one of those weeks. I woke up this morning and seriously thought to myself: TGIF. Could this week PLEASE be over with?! Give me Saturday so I can burrow under my covers and wish it all to just go the hell away.

Not to go into too many of the details but it's been an emotional, roller coaster week in the TTC realm (for me. And for Husband, I'm sure, because he has to deal with me. Bless his heart). There's been a lot of: am I? No, I'm not. Wait. But I could be? Oh. I'm not. Hold up. This happens? So I could be? Oh. Not really.

So many possiblities, could-be's, if this happens then this will HAVE to happen... But the main thing out of this week is: just wait. I HATE TO WAIT. I'm that annoying person in a long line tapping their toes, shifting their positions a-gazillion times, heaving sighs, glancing at my watch. I'm like a five year old that has to pee when faced with a long line. So telling me to "just wait" isn't fair!

And to top it off - if I'm not pregnant then my next round of treatments will fall in the week that Husband and I will be on vacation. Which could mean we just might have to skip the next go-round of treatments.

Let me side track to tell you about this vacation. This vacay will be the first time this year that Husband and I will be away BY OURSELVES. We've been blessed to go on trips this year with our families. I went to Miami with my momma (so wonderful!). Husband went skiing with my father. The In-Laws took us to Spring Training in FL. We went to Colorado with my family ... So this blissful week of just US has us giddy with excitement. (We're going to San Francisco, BTW. Spending a few days in Wine Country and then the rest in the city. CAN. NOT. WAIT. Damn waiting ...)

Now when I go to the doc for treatment, I get one shot to ready the eggs. I then go back in a certain period of time later to get an ultrasound for them to be sure I have an egg ready. So if I have an egg ready to go (so far so good) I get another shot and off we go. We'll be on vacay when I will require my second shot (which requires an ultrasound). The possibility that our amazing, wonderful trip together could jeopordize this month's attempt to get pregnant has me just beside myself. We can't really reschedule our trip and frankly, part of me doesn't even want to try to reschedule. This is our trip! I want to go away with my husband, dammit!

So cue the tears. I wonder why God has been silent with me. I ask Him why a lot. Why me? Why us? We'd be such great parents. We'd be God-fearing loving parents. But I can't get pregnant. When I hear stories of how it took other women four, five, six, even TEN years to get pregnant. I shudder. Not me, God I silently plea. Please don't let that happen to me. But as each month rolls by, its hard not to think that it COULD be me. So the house that we built for our family sits empty. I continually dodge insulting questions as to why Husband and I have no children. I smile and nod and mentally picture strangling the person who tells me "It will happen when you least expect it!" (Oh, if I had a quarter for every time I heard that ...)

You know the saying God only gives you what you can handle ... well, I'm just about at my breaking point. I just don't know how I could possibly handle any more ...

Thus the discouragement. And the saddness. And the woe is me. I know I say this all the time - but Husband has truly been a rock. So wonderful and so supportive. He listens and makes me laugh. Helps me to realize when I am being a complete moron. I get so wrapped up in myself and how I'm feeling that I forget to be strong for him. I know that I'm bearing the majority of the ordeal b/c it's my body that is getting all the "fun stuff" - but he's going through it too in his own way.

I'm also thankful for my parents. Man, they stinkin' rock. And when they say they'll pray for me - I know they really will (and do.)

I'm pretty good about not remaining in my woe-is-me state. I usually have one day (two max) where I'm mopey-pants around the house. Then I snap out of it and chug-a-lug forward. But this week, with the up's and down's, I haven't been too successful at the whole snap-out-of-it thing.

So. To end my depressing post (sorry!) I'm going to be gosh darn thankful that it is Friday. I'm going to be lazy. And I'm going to have to suck it up and just blinkin' wait. As my brother says "It is what it is." So true. So true.

Maybe I'll treat myself to some Chick Filet. Their fries are gluten free, you know. :) It's the little things in life I need to remember to enjoy. Chick Filet is one of them. Steak n' Shake fries are another. And my amazing trip with Husband that is t-minus two weeks and some change away.

~M

Back in the saddle again ...

Do you remember Sleepless in Seattle? The scene where Tom Hanks starts dating again and the song playing in the background ... no? well, trust me its a song. And it was in that movie.

I had a miscarriage last month. My nurses call it a "Maybe Baby" because I miscarried VERY early (like two weeks) and my hcg horomone was too low - but high enough to be "slightly positive." So when you suffer from a miscarriage you must take at least a month off from TTC to let your body and inner lady bits recover.

So that was my June. Recovery. It was a bit bittersweet. I was so frustrated to be put on hold for a month. Once I got my period and the miscarriage was confirmed, I had geared myself back up for another month of treatments. So when they told me that we'd have to wait ... I was obviously upset.

BUT.

I was also exhausted. A year and a half of TTC is so tiring. And I was weary. Of all the tests, examinations, blood drawn ... So a month of not having to go to the doctor every week and just BE - was a bit appealing.

BUT.

We lost a month of trying to make a baby. A bittersweet; double-edged sword.

So now I'm back in the saddle. I went to the doctor today and I have my game plan. Of course, I'm on vacation when I need to be getting ultrasounds and shots (figures). But, if need be, I go to a pharmacy in Vail. I have no problems giving myself a shot. It is what it is ...

I'm emotional and nervous. You have to take a deep breath and ready yourself. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to stay hopeful. Husband believes that I will get pregnant. I wish I had his confidence ... (But once again, I'm so thankful for his amazing husbandness.)

So we shall see. Until then I'll be humming "back in the saddle again..."

~M

What not to say ...

Husband and I have been TTC (trying to conceive) for over a year and a half. We had a plan - we wanted to be married for five years and then we'd hop to it. We traveled, bought a new house, did what we wanted. So when we were ready to start trying, I was super optimistic. I knew our journey would be a bit longer than our friends (because of my thyroid disease) but I'm surrounded by women who's husbands just breathe on them and they become pregnant! I had high hopes.

(Ever hear the saying "Best way to make God laugh is to tell Him your plans" - Well, I've been keeping God in stitches).

Six months of trying - I started to get frustrated. 10 months of trying and my turning 30 - I started to worry/panic. A year of trying and I was completely discouraged. I'm now with a fertility doctor and I'm going through all the motions there. Infertility BITES. It really does. BUT my doctor and his nurses are A-MAZING. Each month is a struggle - I've had so much blood drawn that my arms look like they have heroin tracks. I'm getting poked, prodded, examined on a steady, consistent basis. I'm taking heavy fertility drugs and experiencing all the lovely side effects. Infertility is hard. It's trying. It's emotional. Thankfully, I have the World's Most Amazing Husband who is positive and encouraging and extremely supportive.

But I've gone on a tangent. The point of my post is What Not to Say to Couples that are TTC. In my year and a half struggle - I've heard it all. And I constantly ask myself: Did I ask and say these things to other women?

I've found that women don't like to talk about infertility. It's like something they are ashamed of. Like they've failed as women and have this problem. I've been pretty open with family and friends about my struggles and I'm constantly surprised how many women admit that they, too, have experienced fertility issues. The more I talk about my experience, the more I've learned from other women.

Again with the tangent. Here is my list in (no random order):

1. You just need to relax!
Really?! Why thank you! That's genius advice! It's hard to "relax" when things have turned almost robotic. You are on a schedule and you both are so focused the why's, th how's, the what-drug-is-this-now? stuff. When you get to a certain point in the TTC journey - it gets a bit harder to relax.

2. You need to get drunk one night and just go at it.
Excuse me?! I'm almost 31 people. Do you know how long it takes for me to recover from drinking two glasses of wine?! 21 I am not. Let alone just getting drunk one night is not going to make my eggs more fertile or my husband's swimmers swim faster. If anything, alcohol is not a good thing when TTC! Plus, genius advice giver, you have FOUR DAYS in an entire month that you are able to get pregnant. There's so much science involved that I'm not even going to go into it. Just don't say this. It's annoying.

3. You should think about adoption. I know a couple who started to adopt/did adopt/whatever and they got pregnant three months later!
This just makes me want to kick said genius advice giver in the shins. I'm not at the adoption stage. I want to give birth! I want to create a child with my husband! I need to try all the other avenues first before adoption even becomes an option for us. I'm just starting to wrap my head around my infertility - suggesting adoption at this stage is just insensitive. And upsetting. My heart hurts when I think about the possibility of never giving birth or creating a child or feeling it grow in my belly. I would need to mourn the loss of that option before I would even start to focus on adoption.

4. You're so young! You'll be fine.
This is not comforting. And no, I'm not young. Do you know, genius advice giver, that once you turn 34 your eggs become "old" and less fertile? Your chances of getting pregnant drop drastically! So the closer I get to 34, the more panicked I get. Giving me a "ppppssshhh, you're young!" comment just makes me feel like you are dismissing my situation and making it seem like it's not a big deal.

5. You just need to go on a trip!
Right. Because I'm not already spending an arm and a leg on fertility treatments that my insurance does not cover. Let alone LIFE expenses (house, car, food), we're to plan a trip to probably get drunk and relax, right? This is just a great way to combine 1 and 2 and still be insensitive.

6. Have you tried ...?
I've heard it all. Have you tried having sex on a full moon night? Have you tried using pillows? (Don't ask). Have you tried thisdrug or thisdrug? Have you tried this position? Have you, have you, have you. And the anser is YES! (well, not to the full moon thing. That is just ridiculous). I'm with a fertilty specialist now, people. In order to even GET to him, I had to go through the riggamarrole of all the other stuff. Yes, Husband has been checked (he's fine). Yes, I've been on clomid. Yes, I got my tubes blown out. Yes. yes. yes.

What to say instead:

1. I'm thinking of you.
2. It must be really hard for you both. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.
3. What can I do for you?
4. How are you feeling?

Or JUST LISTEN! Sometimes I want to cry it out, vent it out, or just talk it out. Sometimes I need to vocalize my thoughts so it makes more sense in my head. Women going through infertility just need other women to talk to. If your strength is a listening, comforting ear - then that is something that is better than any muttered, genius advice.

Did I miss any? What have people said to you?

~M