God's Timing

I took a break from blogging b/c I felt my posts were getting a bit negative and a bit boo-hoo wah-wah. Who wants to read about that?! I certainly didn't and I know that as of right now - I'm really the only one reading this blog as I haven't made it known that I'm even writing a blog ... I wanted to try my hand at blog writing before I let others know I was actually doing it ...

I've come a LONG way from October. We're still TTC. Right before Christmas, we did IUI (more on that in another post). It was a bit sad, a bit exciting. I'm currently in the 2 week waiting period to see if I'm pregnant. Extreme torture that 2 week waiting period. You have two weeks to over-analyze, ponder, and google everything.

However, I'm in a better place this time around. At church, our Christmas Eve service was about hope. So over my vacation from work (which was lovely, BTW) I finally sat down for some quiet time. A solid hour of reading my bible and writing in my journal. Something I haven't done in quite awhile - as in much, much too long.

I started looking up verses that had to do with hope. I was desiring a fresh outlook in regards to it. For so long - hope was a bad word to me. If I got my hopes up or had too much hope, then I would be completely crushed once I got my period. It was such a vicious cycle. I wanted to have hope and have it not get me down. I found some great verses ... but stumbled upon something completely different. If I take notes during a sermon, I usually end up putting those notes in my bible. I found notes from John 5 - the story of Lazarus. Jesus, who dearly loved his family, waited two days to head to Lazarus. TWO DAYS! Why? Because Jesus knew God's plan and His timing. So - in a nutshell. God ain't no joke! (duh). But He has a perfect plan and perfect timing. I know this! But yet, I continued to stomp my feet, cry and ask why. I have a Life Study Bible (totally recommend it!) that summarize certain verses - basically put it the passage in perspective or give certain means. So in the little summary - it told me to patiently await His timing.

Whoa. I stared at that for a long, long time. It really struck a cord with me. So I had a hearty cry and gave it all to God. I do need to be patient and I do need to await his timing. He has a reason for my infertility - I may not know what that is but he doesn't do things willy-nilly! I asked him for strength to patiently wait for him and thanked him for speaking to me and changing my heart.

And then a few days later - He spoke to my heart again.

I've been struggling with that evil jealousy emotion when I see a pregnant woman, find out a friend is pregnant, etc. I smile but inside I'm crying and just plain 'ol jealous. NOT GOOD. I came across a blog of a couple going through infertility called "A Blog about Love" In a post, Mara (no relation) talked about her outlook to seeing other mothers or hearing her friends are pregnant, etc. She chose JOY. Children are a miracle. Getting pregnant is a miracle. Giving BIRTH is a miracle. So why, Mara asked, should something so miraculous and joyful make her feel pain?

Well, huh. I thought to myself. That is so true. Why do I let the pain in rather than the wonder and the joy?! Plus, if it is someone I love/care about - their joys should be my joys and their sorrows my sorrows. I vowed then and there - I would CHOOSE JOY. I would patiently await God and pray that my time as a mother is in my future. I trust in God and I hold my hope in Him. In everything.

I ran home to share my epiphany with Husband. I feel so free! Free from worry and pain - now it won't go away completely. Some things are knee-jerk. BUT I am more self-aware and in such a more positive place. And Husband hugged me telling me that now he sees the woman he married. The positve, happy-go-lucky girl. He said he was happy to see me again. Have I really been that negative, I asked him? I know I've been sad but uber negative?! And he just gave me that look. You know - that look that says - Honey, you crazy. Another reason Husband is amazing for putting up with me for over a year in that state of negativity.

SO, my dear friends. My heart is open wide and I'm so grateful that God spoke to me - that my heart was open and I was willing to listen and to understand. Will I be sad if I'm not pregnant this month? You betcha! But will I let it take me down that negative spiral? No way! I also feel that by God speaking to me, he's preparing me. I don't think I'm pregnant this month. I think He's giving me a new outlook, He's helping me cope and giving me the tools that I should have picked up a long time ago. I'm grateful for that, too.

Trust + hope = FAITH. And with that - I will patiently await God's timing and just keep praying.

~M