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Ready for an update?!

Last Wednesday, I got my first make-my-eggs-bigger shot. We used a different medicine than before because of the dosage I needed my "old" medicine no longer carries. So instead of paying more money, we decided to try the cheaper meds. Silly Mara. If it ain't broke - don't fix it! Returning for an ultrasound on Friday - we discovered that my eggs barely grew. So the unfriendly ultrasound technician sends me on my way and tells me the nurses will call me once they talk with the doctor.

My instinctive reaction: I'm crushed. I cry. I call Husband and bemoan the fact that nothing ever goes right. Why would God have this happen?! wah wah wah. Pitiful, right? Right. I haven't even spoken to the nurses or my doctor and I'm ready to throw in the towel! Husband was a bit frustrated with me - understandably. I then realized I need to get my head on straight as I resume my TTC journey. I can't be weepy and negative all the time. I need to gear myself back up but with God as the center. Our sermons at church these past few Sundays have been spot on for me and have really given me a good frame of mind as Husband and I re-enter the world of infertility.

Anyhoo - the Nurse calls later in the day and they want me to go back on my original medicine. So I'm scrambling to find a pharmacy where I can fill  this prescription. Not a lot of pharmacies just stock fertility drugs... Of course, I have Express Scripts so Walgreens is out of the question. Harrumph. Oh, and did I mention I was at an offsite gathering in Illinois therefore was nowhere near a pharmacy? Well, I was. So my amazing, thoughtful and so kind mother drives to a random pharmacy to get me what I need. Love. Her.

I give myself two more shots over the weekend to boost the eggs a bit more. Go back in Monday to check the status: the eggs are bigger ... but not big enough. No worries! said the nurse. We'll have you come back in Wednesday and then IUI on Thursday and Friday if your eggs are fully mature.

That would be just fine and dandy - if Husband wasn't heading out of town Thursday afternoon for four days. [sound of tires screeching to a halt]

Well, Husband just stays home, right? No. I didn't want him to stay home! He's had this trip planned for a loonnggg time. He's headed out with his buddies. He's so so so been looking forward to it. After much talk - I told him to go and feel guilty no more. We can't let infertility control our lives! Life goes on! And I was not going to have him miss this trip!

Which leads me to the point of this post (ramble much?!). Timing. I know I've blogged about this before ...Fertility is all about timing. God has perfect timing. I need to remember that! His timing. His plan. I heard a song on the radio today that talked about his mercies through trials. My infertility has certainly been a trial. We're on Year Three - I never thought it would be this hard to get pregnant. Too many romance novels or something.

So what happened? I went in yesterday to discover I have four mature eggs. FOUR! I've never ever had four mature eggs before! And they are huge! So big, in fact, that I'm borderline overstimulated. Thus my ovaries are a bit swollen and sore. BUT the nurses felt we could proceed with IUI if I'm aware that there is a chance I could have multiples if all four eggs go forth and meet sperm. (gulp).

Side Trip: I don't think I've ever explained IUI, have I? IUI is the shortened name for Intrauterine Insemination. We take a cup of Husband's sperm, get it washed and purified, and then inject it directly into my uterus with a long skinny thingy. The "joke" you hear a lot is that it's like a turkey baster. (ew). It's all very scientific and as unromantic as you can possibly imagine. Husband always comes with me and holds my hand through the entire procedure. (I love him. I really, really do.) The procedure is not the most comfortable one. And there are times when cramping is involved afterwards. But it's all for a good cause, of course! Husband jokes that he will always be in the room with me when they do the procedure as to not miss when our child was conceived. Ha! End of side trip.

So with four fully matured eggs (four!!) - we decided to go for it. Yesterday, after receiving my "trigger" shot (to start ovulation) in the morning, Husband and I went back that afternoon for my first IUI. Then we went back this morning for our second IUI. Traditionally, when you get your trigger shot, you head back the NEXT day to receive your first IUI followed 24 hours later by your second (and final) IUI. In our case, we sped up the process a bit. There is a chance that all four eggs could take. There is also a chance that NONE of the eggs could take as we did things a bit earlier in terms of timing.

And I'm okay. I'll be okay if no eggs fertilize. Will I be disappointed? You bet! I'm only human here! But I continue to remind myself of God's timing. His timing is perfect and is right. I am trusting Him with all this and not trying to take it in my own hands. Through a lot of this journey - I was trying to deal with it on my own - yet getting mad at God when it didn't go my way. God knows the desires of my heart.

My prayers have changed too. Of course, I will always pray that God will bless us and I am able to get pregnant. But I'm also praying that God works in me and my reactions. That if this cycle turns up negative - I will handle it with grace and determination to head into the next cycle! I'm praying that I don't obsess over every little thing as I head into the dreaded waiting period. I'm praying that I stay faithful.

So cross your fingers - the waiting has begun.

~M

~M