What a week ...

Please excuse the silly blog title positioning ... I'm still working some kinks out. Blogger savvy, I am not ... But I'm slowly getting the hang of it.

What a week! I can't say it has been the best week... More on the TTC front and it's not good. On Monday we discovered that even tho I got my period - I still had eggs left over from the OHSS debacle. This is normal so I was to take a medication for 10 days that would allow my ovaries to shut down and the eggs to naturally go away. After those 10 days, I would get my period again and then be able to start a new round of treatment. However, before I was able to take the medication, I had to get a pregnancy test just to be sure. No big. Just going through the motions. That afternoon, the nurse called me and seemed concerned. In order for me to be considered "not  pregnant" my hcg horomone needed to be below a 3. It WAS a 3. So I was to go and get another blood test on Monday. Okkkkaaaay.

Imagine my (and the nurses!) surprise when on Wednesday my hcg measured 9. It tripled!! Hello?! The nurse warned me that I may be having a chemical pregnancy (when the egg fails to implant properly) and that I would probably miscarry. Great. But just to be sure I needed to get another blood test on Friday. And the news was that my hcg is now a 10. The fact that it did not decrease is a bad thing. The fact that it didn't shoot up higher is a slightly good thing. So NOW the nurses think I may be having an eptopic pregnancy (when the egg is in the fallopian tube). This is REALLY not good. This could severely damage my tube to the extent that I will have to get it removed. It's a bit harder to get pregnant with one ovary ... I have to go back on Tuesday to get another blood test to monitor my hcg levels. I'm to call the nurses if I feel any pain or have massive amounts of blood flow. I may miscarry over the weekend or they may need to give me an injection in order to force my body to miscarry. An eptopic pregnancy is pretty serious and could be dangerous. Husband's good work buddy almost died recently when she had an undetected eptopic pregnancy (and I'm not being dramatic - it was pretty serious!).

Unfortunately, it's too soon for an ultrasound to see where the egg is and if it is indeed in my fallopian tube. As of right now, we'll just have to rely on blood tests. You should see my poor arms. Thank goodness it is long sleeve weather or people would start to wonder ...

I'm still a bit numb. I don't even know where to start praying ... Of course I'm praying that it's not an eptopic pregnancy. Then I'm asking him to keep me and my ovaries safe. I'm asking for peace of mind. And I'm asking why (I can't help it).

Really, I'm just sad and discouraged. My body is just not happy with me ... It's tough, too, because we must take it day by day; test by test. It's hard to know what is truly going on and I just have to be careful. It's awful. Just awful. Come December, it will be two years that we've been trying to conceive. I'm ready to throw the towel in. Two years of an emotional roller coaster. Granted we haven't gone through major treatments (insemination, IVF) but I've had enough drugs pumped through my system to start my own infertility drug store.

As always - Pandora plays a great song to kick me in my behind. I will try (because right now, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not feeling it) to "praise Him through the storm." (courtesy of Casting Crowns). I think I'll go home, have a nice cry, and eat some ice cream or something. It helps me to have a hearty cry and then I feel better to face the day again.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to stay faithful. Faithful that God is with me. Faithful that He has me with a doctor that knows what he's doing. Faithful that God will protect my body from further harm. I need to stay faithful.

Depressing post, I know. I promise something more uplifiting next week.

~M

Fall!!

Okay - enough Deep Thoughts by Mara posts. It's Fall, people! (Even tho, in STL the weather is over 80 degrees. Typical.)

I've been scoping my favorite stores, slowly making a Fall Wish List. I don't think Husband reads my blog (sad!) but if he did (does) Anniversary and Christmas would be easy-peasy for him! (hint hint).

So I thought I would share with you all what I've had my on. There is some pretty stuff out there this season!

1. Frye Melissa Button Boot - I've been LUSTING after these for years. Years, I tell you. And the fact that they are still around just solidifies why I should buy them already. *sigh* Too many colors to choose between - I keep flipping back and forth between fawn, chocolate vintage, and cognac ...

2. Hive and Honey Toluca - I once turned my nose up at the Bootie. Oh, but how I've changed my ways! There are so many adorable options. Like said Hive and Honey that come in a gorg greyish green bootie ... love!

3. The Addison Story Pleated Dress - love the color. Love the style. And love how it would look with my (phantom) Frye boots!

4. Parker Maxi Dress - Did you just die?! I did. I'm a HUGE fan of maxi dresses! Love how they hide things but still make you look sexy or in style. Not like you're wearing a moo-moo or anything. I also love how they are transitioning to fall. Now the key is to find something like this dress - just cheaper!

5. J.Crew Merino Fair Isle Sweater - Oh, J.Crew. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways! Love the simplicity of the sweater and the fair isle!

6. J.Crew Sash Skirt - this just may be part of my Christmas outfit ... too soon to tell. But I just love the skirt! It defines your waist (worn high) and makes it look incredibly small. Who does love that?!

7. J.Crew Ruthie Shirtdress - okay. okay. one more from J.Crew. This shirtdress is so versatile! Wear with booties, riding boots, or dress it up with a heel.

8. Anthropologie Neo-Jacquard Pullover - My go-to store: Anthropologie! Husband hates that store but I LOVE IT. I always go there first when I'm looking for something special or feel like treating myself. There is just so many possibilities! Like this ah-maz-ing sweater. I tried it on and I'm not gonna lie - I almost bought it. It's gorg!

9. Anthropologie Duster Danglers - Again, I die! Love the color (so great for fall!) and the fact that it is not a blatant feather ... Ah-dore.

10. Anthropologie Fortified Wrap Braclet - you all know my obsession with bracelets and this is no exception. Dressy and casual all at once. Love!

11. Coach Madison Leather Lindsay Satchel - This one is similar (and cheaper) to the one I originally saw in the window. THIS one had me pawing the display window and wimpering. (Macy's doesn't have the color I drooled over... It was a gorgeous burgundy/wine color!). But then I saw the price. Eep. So this one is similar and the color is still do die for!

Yay for fall!

~M

Be Still and Know

While sitting at work - I like to play my Pandora. It just helps the day move along faster and I get to rock out. A song came on that made me stop and listen (and read the lyrics. Pandora is so great!) Be Still and Know by Steven Curtis Chapman.

Based on the Proverbs to be still and know God - the song is simply saying - Be Still and listen. Lean on God. I need to remind myself of this every day. Too many times I carry burdens on my own and they get me down. I really, really struggle with laying everything at God's door and letting him take over my heart. Why do I fight Him? It's so silly, really ...

The latest TTC update - this go-round I got OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome). Basically, women with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) like moi have a chance of getting this during their fertility treatments. It was discovered during my internal ultrasound check up that I had NINE EGGS in my ovaries. Nine full size eggs that were still growing (five in one ovary, four in the other). Thus this meant BAD. No way could Husband and I TTC this month for fear that all nine eggs could release and I could be my own Kate Plus Eight (uh, no thank you). AND to top it off, my ovaries were VERY swollen and full of fluid. So if I did anything active (work out, lift weights, lift heavy objects, even had sex!) I could burst or rupture an ovary which could then lead to the excess fluid filling up my lungs. Not good.

The fun side effects of OHSS (besides the possibility of rupturing an ovary) is that my ovaries being so swollen makes me look like I have a buddah belly. Lovely. AND I'm majorly cramping and in pain. Picture your PMS-ing cramping and just intensify that. That's how it feels. My ovaries just feel tender and sore. Let's not forget that I was supposed to be in my BFF's wedding! Where I wasn't supposed to dance or anything. Lame! Thankfully the dresses were loose, so my buddah belly was well hidden. I look at pictures and think I look puffy (but I'm a lot harder on myself than most ...). And I danced, dammit. I took it easy - but I danced. It's just not possible for me to sit on my behind and watch people dancing ...

AND! AND! I can't drink water until I get my period. Because water would make me retain extra fluid which would not be good for the ovaries. So I've been drinking Gatorade for almost two weeks. Two weeks of nothing but Gatorade. BLECH. Can you imagine? It's awful. Do you know how much sugar is in Gatorade? And when you drink it A LOT ... again with the blech.

Needless to say - I've never looked forward to getting my period as I have been these past weeks.

With all of this - I've had a few tearful times. But I'm really working on being still and knowing that God is with me. I'm thankful that I don't have that helpless feeling that I had before - finally I feel my heart is in the right place and I'm truly listening to God (a daily struggle - but still. God knows my heart!).

Each month I'm learning so much about my fertility journey. I hope I will be able to help other women going through the same journey. And I'm thankful I had my "ah-ha" moment so that I could be in a better place as this journey continues. I continue to pray that God will bless Husband and I with a pregnancy. But for now - I will be still and know He is God. Be still and know He is with me. Above all things - that should give me comfort.

~M

More Beautiful You

The Evil Inner Voice (EIV). We all have it. You know what I'm talking about. The EIV that speaks up when you are, for example, trying on jeans: Whoa. How's your muffin top treating you today? Looks like you could do a few more crunches and a few less candy bars.

Or when you are trying on swimsuits {shudder}: Hello, Thunder Thighs! Did Bill Cosby recruit you for a jello add because ... damn, girl.

I would dare say mine is the most evil. The most sinister. It senses my moods and knows exactly when to speak up. And then it haunts me through out my day slowly chipping away at my confidence. For those ladies that are able to give their Evil Inner Voice the middle finger and continue to skip along - I salute you. 

My EIV has been in full voice this past week. I'm in my BFF's wedding next week and I'm letting EIV beat me up about you name it: how I look in my BM dress, my shoes, my outfit for the rehearsal dinner, my arms, my tummy ... blah blah blah. Such silly, superficial worries. But I don't fight my EIV as much as I should. I just let it beat me down. And then I get frustrated because I'm letting myself get worked up over all this! (Remember the goal of "relaxing" in the realm of TTC?! Still working on that one ...).

So at work I had my Pandora on and this song came on More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz:

Now, granted - this song is probably aimed at the teenager set. But it was a strong reminder for me. I am who I am. I'm almost positive people don't cringe away when they see me. Husband thinks I'm something special. Why can't I see it too?

I was looking for a little girl book a few weeks ago. I wanted something fun and cute but all I read was books about which dress is prettier. Or a favorite dress not fitting anymore so another had to be found. Boy books are all fun about pirates and soccer and jungles or something. But girl books were chalk-full of stories strictly about appearance. Even the "dance" books had more to do with appearances then actual dancing!!

If God ever gives me a daughter, I don't want her to ever have to wage a war with her own EIV. She may get one anyway ... I did. Even though I had a wonderful mother who showed me what it was to be a graceful, gentle, loving woman (outside of appearances), a father that showed me affection and told me daily he loved me, and two brothers who always showed me love (as much as brothers can. :)) I would still look in the mirror and think: ugh.

I don't think it was Barbie; as some parents like to blame. I truly think it was (is) peers. I remember a boy made fun of me in 7th grade telling me I had big feet. And from then on, I looked at my feet as embarrassing rather than just my feet. Thankfully, I've now embraced my feet. I just know not to wear pointy toe shoes because whoa. Pointy toe and big feet DO NOT walk hand-in-hand. I'm just sayin' ...

I hope to teach my phantom daughters to love themselves as God made them. Each beautiful and unique. I hope to teach my phantom sons to appreciate ALL types of women. Just as Jonny Diaz sings in his song - we are all the most beautiful you!

So here's to all the women out there that can look in the mirror and belt out West Side Story's I Feel Pretty because we are all so damn pretty! :)

~M

Apparently I need to relax ...

As I typed my post title - I was humming "Relax" in my head (you know the song that triggered Zoolander to want to kill the President of Malaysia??) I seem to always relate my posts to songs.... :)

Husband and I met with our fertility doc today. No baby this past try. I was so sure that it was going to happen! We were on vacation - I was relaxed! (or so I thought ...) And I even had two eggs to work with! But no go. So after the tears (lots of tears this time around). We met with our doctor to see what our next steps could be.

Husband and I had made a pact that we'd try things three times and if that didn't work - move on to another option. So we've been dicussing insemination (aka IUI). But Husband is a bit hesitant because he'd like to conceive as naturally as possible (for our situation) and he had said to me: "I'd like to be the one to put the kid there" I so get where he is coming from. I do understand. I think it is a man-thing, too.

But.

I just want to get pregnant! I just want to have a baby! So if IUI gets me closer to that then I'm all for it. However, I do need Husband's help with that (ahem) so I do want us in complete agreement. IUI is a bit more time consuming and more scientific, if you will.

So we met with our doctor and after I gave my schpeel - he told me that I just needed to relax and destress; to which I almost started to cry. Do you know how hard it is for me to relax?!?! Very hard. It takes me ten thousand years to fall asleep b/c my mind is running a mile a minute. I used to ask Husband what he was thinking when he was quiet and he would tell me "nothing." And I just couldn't understand that! I don't think I've ever been silent and thought of nothing. Ever.

But I digress. The female reproductive system is very sensitive - to emotions and physcial stress. So here I am putting bagillion amounts of pressure on myself to get pregnant and I could be (unconsciously) sabatoging my conceiving efforts. So now I'm stressing about keeping myself from stressing out. A vicious cycle!

We'll have to make a decision if we'd like to do IUI - but in the meantime, I'm going ahead with my clomid and follistim shot (helps the eggs mature). They are going to monitor my eggs earlier in my cycle to see if I can have more than one mature egg (the goal is three mature eggs). So Husband and I have a bit of time to decide if we want to try IUI. We'll just have to see.

In the meantime, I need to relax. Take deep breathes. Not stress over silly things like how I'm feeling a little chunky in the middle. Or how I'm getting paid jack in my job (I really do love my job - but it has come ever more apparent how little a few of us are getting paid), or maybe not work until 6 p.m. every night and come home exhausted which results in me not having any energy to work out which circles itself back around to the chubby middle section I'm sporting! (Yay muffin top! No, not really ....)

See?! I even write like I'm stressed out! Yeesh!

Goal for the month of September: DE-STRESS. It is what it is, folks. I will continue to pray to stay faithful - to not try to control my fate or circumstances. I am going to pray that God will help me ease my anxiety. I am uber over-anxious. I will leave my work at work and I will leave work at a decent hour.

And we'll just have to see how I do...

~M

You gotta have faith, a-faith, a-faith-ah!

Thanks, George Michael.

I know I previously wrote about faith here but when something is weighing on my heart like it has this past week - I wanted to share more about it.

I am majorly struggling with my faithfulness. I have been doubting God and myself which just leads to a miserable downward spiral. I recently received my high school newsletter. In the alumni section, a girl who graduated in my class shared that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer last year. I was floored! My first thought was "She's so young!" and then I wondered how she was possibly dealing with all this - three young children (one just a newborn!) and now breast cancer. She gave her blog address and I decided to look it up. (You can read about her journey here).

One word: inspirational.  All I can say is wow. While Erin and I were never really friends in high school, she was always a nice person. And after reading a few of her entries, I have such admiration for her. Her faith is amazing. Absolutely amazing. Here's little ole me boo-hooing about infertility and here is a woman with a young family and a LIFE THREATENING disease. While I'm whining to God, Erin and her husband are praising God and being thankful. Being faithful.

I started to feel two feet tall. I had the cliche Christian response (in my opinion). Whining and feeling anger towards God. Erin, on the other hand, immediately rejoiced in God and leaned on Him and his Word. What have I done? Stopped going to church. Haven't picked up my journal or my bible in a LONG time. Oh, I pray but those prayers are more along the begging side of things (please oh please oh please oh please let me be pregnant). How annoying are those "prayers"?!

Annoying.

Lately, I'd like to think that I've had a Faith Awakening. First the poster. My prayers did start to change a bit. Oh, I still beg, people. Old habits die hard. But I've started to talk with Him in a bit of a different manner. In a way, I've stopped doubting God and have turned all that doubt and anger on myself. Not a good switch and I'm still working through it ...

But ...

I have such a desire to be truly faithful. I had a good conversation with my mom (aka bestest person in the whole world) this morning. And in telling her about my struggle with faithfulness - she said that it sounded as if I had finally reached the point of truly handing it ALL over to God. And I think I have. I've been trying to control my fate, my circumstances. For quite a while I've been looking at my infertility journey with me and my doctor as a team rather than God and me.

So - to God be the glory. May He take hold of my journey and my thoughts and my feelings. He knows my heart and I take comfort in that. So instead I pray for courage and perseverence. I pray that He will bless Husband and me with a child and that I will be able to conceive. Until then, I will remain faithful.

I think God has been working on my heart since my poster sighting but it was Erin's blog that really showed me how weak my faith was (is). If I'm not pregnant, of course I will be sad. And of course, I'm going to cry. BUT I hope (and pray) that my attitude with be different. That I will continue to have faith that somehow God will bless Husband and me. In His own way. In His own time.

~M

Home Sweet Home

We are home from a fantastic trip! It was so good to get away with Husband and really, we couldn't have asked for better weather. San Fran is silly in the weather department and I could not have packed a more worse, unprepared suitcase ... BUT we still had a lot of fun. So blessed to have been able to get away with Husband. Sure do love him ...

We went to wineries!

We hiked the redwoods!

We drove up the coast!

And we even went to Alcatraz!

All in all - a damn good time. I like to travel with Husband. We always have a good system going on. And he is just so much fun to hang out with. :)

But .. it's good to be home. 

~M

P.S. Here's me after we had stopped at two wineries - I was feeling just a tad tipsy by then. :) ANNDDD I read an ah-mazing book on vacay that I will share later. 

Squeeeee!!!!!!

 Gundlach Bundschu

I leave for San Francisco with Husband in two (count 'em! TWO) days! Oh, Lordy, I just can't wait!! We'll be spending four days in Sonoma - hiking the redwoods and drinking lots-o-wine (um, duh.) Then we'll head to San Fran to be goofy tourists - Alcatraz, cable cars, etc.

I am beyond giddy over the fact that I will have Husband all to myself! No work! No phones! (well, kinda no phones. I mean, really.) No family! No responsiblities! Just us! Just me and him! Alone! Together!

The view at Gundlach Bundschu - one of the wineries we plan to visit!

Poor Husband has been swamped at work - so I'm praying he will be able to relax. I plan to eat, drink, and be merry all week. It will be lovely. Absolutely lovely.

'till then - peace out!

~M

Faith

Yesterday I was riding in the elevator to my fertility doc when a poster caught my eye. It said Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark.

I blinked dumbly at the poster my entire elevator ride to the sixth floor. How many times had I riden this same elevator never to notice this poster hanging on the wall?! For one thing - the picture they chose to go with the saying is uber cheesy and just doesn't do the phrase justice. So maybe that's why my eye passed over it ... Or I'm always looking at my phone on the way up and calling Husband on the way down. Who knows.

Yesterday was different. I had a sad day. And I felt like crap. I had a higher dosage of shot #1 on Monday and by Wednesday I was pretty tired of the side effects. But that poster just really made me think. Lately, I've been questioning God. Asking Him why. Asking him what the heck is up. Asking where He is. Basically, I've been a whiny Christian. "Why me?" "Why us?" Wah wah wah. There are times when I expect God to tell me "I'll listen when you speak in your normal voice." (Which is what my father would say to us when we started getting into whiny voice mode.)

So I thought about that poster all day. I met with my mom after my appointment and she just radiates positiveness. She's so faithful and trusting with God. And I so appreciate her and the role model that she is for me. So starting now - I will sing when the dawn is still dark. And I will appreciate and be thankful that God has blessed me in so many other ways rather than being so focused on my struggle with infertility.  I'm blessed to be leaving for Wine Country in t-minus THREE days with Husband. I'm blessed by having two mature eggs in my left ovary and one egg in my right ovary this round of treatment!

I needed to be reminded to be faithful. To trust. And to let God do His thang. Amen!

~M

Obsessed much?!

Yes. Yes, I am. This summer I've become obsessed with bracelets. Necklaces I do - but I've got a sensitive collar bone and sometimes the chains bother me (weird, I know). I LOVE rings but have my standards that I always wear.

But THIS summer - stacking bracelts has been all the rage and I am totally on that bandwagon! 

And what's REALLY great about my bracelet obsession  is that I get to DIY. There is a fabulous blog: Honestly ... WTF. (The picture right above is from them!) This blog has a DIY section with so many fabulous tutorials for bracelets, necklaces, clothes, handbags - you name it! I can now try my hand at being crafty. As I am not the naturally crafty kind of gal. I have a list and plan to make a few bracelets. So we shall see if I am able to tap into my creative side. AND I'll be saving some mad money as the bracelets I adore are WAY more than what a normal person should spend on a bracelet purchase.

A win-win for all!

~M

P.S. top two pictures are from Lauren Elan. Check her out. Her stuff is just gorgeous and creative, and fun! I want!

Do you have good hair?

Over the weekend I watched this documentary by Chris Rock: Good Hair. While Chris Rock takes it from the African-American perspective, I don't care if you are black, white, red, yellow, or purple - ALL women can relate to it! What women go through and sacrifice all for the love of our hair and most importantly our self esteem! Maya Angelou said it best when she said (and I'm majorly paraphrasing here) that women celebrate hair together. It's like a right of passage with our mothers and friends and sisters. Our hair makes us feel feminine and plays a part in our self worth. Aside from all the serious things I got from it - I also laughed out loud. Chris Rock is pretty damn funny.

Husband even got sucked into it with me because he heard me laughing and talking back to the T.V. I SO recommend watching it!!

I've been painstakingly trying to grow my hair out. When I got married, my hair was long and amazing! And for some unknown reason (maybe because I'm crazy), I cut it. And when I got it cut, I got a bad hair cut. So I had to keep cutting it to repair the damage from the bad haircut. So since then I've been trying to grow it out. Some days I want to shave my head; other days I'd just like to snip it to my shoulders. BUT Husband loves my hair long. So we made a deal - if he keeps his beard (it gets really hot in the summer for him! But I love it so) then I'll keep my long hair. It works for us.

I'm heading to get my hair colored tomorrow and I already have pictures and everything to show my wonderful, amazing, I-would-die-without-her hair stylist. I haven't colored my hair in awhile and I'm excited! Isn't funny how something so simple as hair color would be such a huge pick-me-up?!

~M

To say I'm discouraged is an understatement ...

Ever have one of those days where you are just blue? Or when you are all weepy-pants? Woe is me-ish? Well, I've had one of those weeks. I woke up this morning and seriously thought to myself: TGIF. Could this week PLEASE be over with?! Give me Saturday so I can burrow under my covers and wish it all to just go the hell away.

Not to go into too many of the details but it's been an emotional, roller coaster week in the TTC realm (for me. And for Husband, I'm sure, because he has to deal with me. Bless his heart). There's been a lot of: am I? No, I'm not. Wait. But I could be? Oh. I'm not. Hold up. This happens? So I could be? Oh. Not really.

So many possiblities, could-be's, if this happens then this will HAVE to happen... But the main thing out of this week is: just wait. I HATE TO WAIT. I'm that annoying person in a long line tapping their toes, shifting their positions a-gazillion times, heaving sighs, glancing at my watch. I'm like a five year old that has to pee when faced with a long line. So telling me to "just wait" isn't fair!

And to top it off - if I'm not pregnant then my next round of treatments will fall in the week that Husband and I will be on vacation. Which could mean we just might have to skip the next go-round of treatments.

Let me side track to tell you about this vacation. This vacay will be the first time this year that Husband and I will be away BY OURSELVES. We've been blessed to go on trips this year with our families. I went to Miami with my momma (so wonderful!). Husband went skiing with my father. The In-Laws took us to Spring Training in FL. We went to Colorado with my family ... So this blissful week of just US has us giddy with excitement. (We're going to San Francisco, BTW. Spending a few days in Wine Country and then the rest in the city. CAN. NOT. WAIT. Damn waiting ...)

Now when I go to the doc for treatment, I get one shot to ready the eggs. I then go back in a certain period of time later to get an ultrasound for them to be sure I have an egg ready. So if I have an egg ready to go (so far so good) I get another shot and off we go. We'll be on vacay when I will require my second shot (which requires an ultrasound). The possibility that our amazing, wonderful trip together could jeopordize this month's attempt to get pregnant has me just beside myself. We can't really reschedule our trip and frankly, part of me doesn't even want to try to reschedule. This is our trip! I want to go away with my husband, dammit!

So cue the tears. I wonder why God has been silent with me. I ask Him why a lot. Why me? Why us? We'd be such great parents. We'd be God-fearing loving parents. But I can't get pregnant. When I hear stories of how it took other women four, five, six, even TEN years to get pregnant. I shudder. Not me, God I silently plea. Please don't let that happen to me. But as each month rolls by, its hard not to think that it COULD be me. So the house that we built for our family sits empty. I continually dodge insulting questions as to why Husband and I have no children. I smile and nod and mentally picture strangling the person who tells me "It will happen when you least expect it!" (Oh, if I had a quarter for every time I heard that ...)

You know the saying God only gives you what you can handle ... well, I'm just about at my breaking point. I just don't know how I could possibly handle any more ...

Thus the discouragement. And the saddness. And the woe is me. I know I say this all the time - but Husband has truly been a rock. So wonderful and so supportive. He listens and makes me laugh. Helps me to realize when I am being a complete moron. I get so wrapped up in myself and how I'm feeling that I forget to be strong for him. I know that I'm bearing the majority of the ordeal b/c it's my body that is getting all the "fun stuff" - but he's going through it too in his own way.

I'm also thankful for my parents. Man, they stinkin' rock. And when they say they'll pray for me - I know they really will (and do.)

I'm pretty good about not remaining in my woe-is-me state. I usually have one day (two max) where I'm mopey-pants around the house. Then I snap out of it and chug-a-lug forward. But this week, with the up's and down's, I haven't been too successful at the whole snap-out-of-it thing.

So. To end my depressing post (sorry!) I'm going to be gosh darn thankful that it is Friday. I'm going to be lazy. And I'm going to have to suck it up and just blinkin' wait. As my brother says "It is what it is." So true. So true.

Maybe I'll treat myself to some Chick Filet. Their fries are gluten free, you know. :) It's the little things in life I need to remember to enjoy. Chick Filet is one of them. Steak n' Shake fries are another. And my amazing trip with Husband that is t-minus two weeks and some change away.

~M

Dear ---

One of my most enjoyable blogs (she makes me laugh out loud) that I read randomly does "Dear [insert name here]" posts. I love it and I'm stealing the idea. It's a great way to vent!

So here goes ...

Dear Doctor,

Why did you become a doctor if you are going to be a huge piss-ant? Why choose a profession where you help people if you are going to act like a huge jerk face?! I just wanted to get my moles checked! I make the appointment in advance (a whole month in advance!) AND I even got to your office 15 minutes early! I smiled and was friendly to your grump-a-lump of a nurse/receptionist. I said "please" and "thank you" and "I understand" when Grumpy-A-Lump nurse took 40 minutes to give me a simple prescription.

Were you able to show me the same politeness? Apparently not. Instead, you didn't give me eye contact nor did you care to explain the whys or hows of what you were doing or examining. It was like pulling teeth just to get you to share your doctor knowledge with me. It's my health here, lady. I'd like to have a clue!

And you're a freakin' dermatologist! What reason do you have to be cranky-pants?! I could give some leeway to a heart or brain surgeon - I mean, talk about stress. But you're just doing a routine check! Could I have just a smile?! A smirk? A nod?!

Survey says no.

Thank goodness I only have to see you once a year. That gives me enough time to find a new doctor.

Ever yours,
M

P.S. The only friendly doctors I have ever experienced: Dr. Jorge Pineda (my fertility doc) and his nurses are amazing. And Dr. Dale Stegman (thank goodness my whole family loves Mizzou. That was my "in"). All Endocronologists act like they work in the morgue. Talk about debbie downers!

P.P.S. I'm skin cancer free and have only one mole that I need to keep an eye on - on the top of my ear. Weird.

Colo-rhino

We just returned from a wonderful trip in Vail, Colorado. ("Colo-rhino" is what my nephew, Owen, calls Colorado. Too cute!).

I AH-DORE my family. I have pretty freakin' cool parents who are a blast to hang out with. And I have two amazing brothers. Unfortunately, they were huge dorks and moved far away from St. Louis. Dan and his cute as bugs family moved to Kansas City (traitor). While my eldest brother, Jeff, moved to Colorado. This past week, we visited the "Denver Coopers" (as we like to call them) and hung out in Vail for a few days.

Could it have been any more wonderful?! I think not. The weather was heavenly. Of course, compared to St. Louis weather - ANY weather besides 115 degrees would be heavenly.

We hiked. We biked (and got caught in rain). We outlet mall shopped. I got to hug and squeeze my niece and nephew. I played leggos and Barbies. I had wonderful times with Husband. We walked and laughed and just spent time together.

There's just something about being with my family that makes me so happy. When we are all together, I breathe this huge sigh of contentment. It warms my heart to hear my little nieces and nephews yell "Daddy!" to my brothers or watch as they (the nieces and nephews - not my brothers) scramble on to Poo-Pah's lap (aka Grandpa). We Coopers are a close-knit bunch and I'm forever thankful to have such an amazing and loving and supportive and super-fun family. The "KC Coopers" weren't able to join us and that was hard on all of us. BUT they are coming to STL next week so I can get my fill of cutie-pies and meet the newest Cooper, Benjamin. 

Needless to say - it was a damn good trip.



~M

Back in the saddle again ...

Do you remember Sleepless in Seattle? The scene where Tom Hanks starts dating again and the song playing in the background ... no? well, trust me its a song. And it was in that movie.

I had a miscarriage last month. My nurses call it a "Maybe Baby" because I miscarried VERY early (like two weeks) and my hcg horomone was too low - but high enough to be "slightly positive." So when you suffer from a miscarriage you must take at least a month off from TTC to let your body and inner lady bits recover.

So that was my June. Recovery. It was a bit bittersweet. I was so frustrated to be put on hold for a month. Once I got my period and the miscarriage was confirmed, I had geared myself back up for another month of treatments. So when they told me that we'd have to wait ... I was obviously upset.

BUT.

I was also exhausted. A year and a half of TTC is so tiring. And I was weary. Of all the tests, examinations, blood drawn ... So a month of not having to go to the doctor every week and just BE - was a bit appealing.

BUT.

We lost a month of trying to make a baby. A bittersweet; double-edged sword.

So now I'm back in the saddle. I went to the doctor today and I have my game plan. Of course, I'm on vacation when I need to be getting ultrasounds and shots (figures). But, if need be, I go to a pharmacy in Vail. I have no problems giving myself a shot. It is what it is ...

I'm emotional and nervous. You have to take a deep breath and ready yourself. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to stay hopeful. Husband believes that I will get pregnant. I wish I had his confidence ... (But once again, I'm so thankful for his amazing husbandness.)

So we shall see. Until then I'll be humming "back in the saddle again..."

~M

Gimmee. Gimmee.

Ahhh-dore.

While reading one of my many blogs, I heard about Noir Jewelry. CLICK! The jewelry is so whimsical and fun! Not to mention gorgeous.






This bracelet will be mine. Oh, yes. It will. I just can't decide! Too many options! CLICK! As usual - I lean towards my color comfort zone (aka black). But I want to pair the bracelet with the bracelet Husband just gave me for my birthday. Black might be the winner because 1. It can go with a lot; and 2. I would wear it more since it goes with a lot. But I do love the other colors ...

Ack! Decisions!

~M

PSA: MOLE!

I love the sun. I love to lay in the sun and I love to get a tan! Back in the good 'ole days, I could walk to the mailbox and come back with a tan. Nowadays, I find myself getting burnt at the drop of a hat! What the heck?!? (Getting older bites.) I'd begrudginly slather myself with sun block (spf 15) and still burn. The days of tanning lotions are long gone for me. spf 30 and 45, even, are now my friends.

A few months ago, I was with my fertility doctor getting a lovely examination when he popped his head up and told me that I have way too many moles on my body. He gave me a stern scolding. When I got home I gave myself a once over and shrugged my shoulders. I'm just a moley freckley person. 'Nuff said.

Then in the course of two weeks I came across a gazillion articles about melanoma (a.k.a skin cancer). And I felt a tugging in the back of my mind. The first article, I read with interest and promised myself to keep up with the sunscreen. The second and third article, I laughed about the coincidence. And by the fifth article - I started to realize that maybe God is telling me something. AND THEN I felt a raised mole on the back of my neck. Proceed straight to panic. I calmed myself down and made an appointment with a dermatologist to get all my lovely moles checked out. Of course, I can't get in to the doc until next month, but at least I have the comfort of knowing I have an appointment and I'm taking care of it. Or going to take care of it.

I know it's summer time; which means lots of pool time, yard work, and playing outside. WEAR SUNSCREEN. And to all those whippersnappers heading to the tanning salons and slathering on their tanning lotions - you may be all pretty now, my little one, but come my age - you could be as leathery as the grandma in Something about Mary. Well, maybe not at my age - but you are heading in that direction!

So in honor of my mole checking appointment in August - here is a little something-something to make you laugh. (Take note how far Beyonce's acting abilities have come. She was painful to watch back in the day. Same to you Denise Richards in that Bond movie. Yeesh. Come to think of it, Denise's acting is still awful ...)

Click here to learn how to spot the signs of skin cancer! Thanks, Redbook!



~M

Reading Rainbow

I love to read. Love, love, love to read. I come from a family of readers... It is no strange thing to find my nose in a book at 2 a.m. (Thanks for that trait, Dad). When I finally jumped on the bandwagon and read Twilight - I pulled four all nighters in a row just to finish the series. I'm that addicted. (to reading - not necessarily Twilight).

I read to escape. Some watch T.V., some go work out. Me? I read. I love romance stories. It just makes me feel so happy in the end. Guy gets girl and the whole happily-ever-after. Not to mention that the men in most romance novels are intuitively sensitive to women's feelings and give said woman 10,000 orgasams (I'm talking to you, Nora Roberts!). But I'm not complaining. I enjoy the drama and the love scenes and the whole feeling of being swept away. I get caught up with the characters and even re-read some of my favorites.

Now, don't get me wrong. I ready other genres, too. I'll read drama, mysteries, self-help, thrillers, suspense, how-to's. But if I'm looking for my escape (and my relaxation) - I steer towards the romance.

This past holiday weekend, I wasn't feeling too great. So I snuggled in with my girlfriend, Kindle. (Best invention ever!). And started reading. I've been going through an 1800's/Regency faze about London Society lately and was starting to tire of it. So I had Kindle give me some suggestions based on my past purchases. (Kindle is really a great invention, people).

One of my top five favorite books is Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. I stumbled across this book quite awhile ago and it is just amazing. It has everything wrapped up in one: romance, suspense, mystery, thrills, and history. (I'm a sucker for historical stuff. I spent almost three hours in the Winston Churchill Museum in London before Husband had to drag me out). I've tried giving people the synopsis of this book and they stare at me like I have four heads. So I won't attempt it here. It is a looonnnnggg book - but oh-so worth it.

Which leads me to one of the books I read this weekend: The Winter Sea by Susanna Kearsley. The sample I read from Kindle intrigued me so I purchased. And, man, am I glad I did! It was fabulous!!! At one point, Husband came in and I'm sitting on the couch crying. (He's not a reader - so he doesn't get it). It was so wonderful - rich in history and I immediately became attached to the characters. It was one of those books that when I was done I thought to myself: I'm so glad I read that! So I had to share. I've found a new author to love!

Lamar would be so proud.

~M

Lellow!

My niece used to say "lellow" when referring to the color yellow. My husband and I still say it to each other because we thought it was just so darn cute (and my niece is pretty darn cute! Hi, Rian!).

In September, I have the amazing honor of being a bridesmaid in one of my bestest friend's wedding. We'll be wearing grey dresses with yellow shoes (LOVE!) so I've been on the hunt to find something that I could enjoy after the wedding too. Remember, 2011's goal of having more color in my wardrobe? What better way to add color than yellow shoes! Here's a few I've spied:

Winding Waterfalls Sandal - Anthropologie

And for my FAVS! My lust item - the one I saw in Matchbook Magazine (fabulous online magazine!) And started searching high and low. Luuuurrrrvvve.

Rebecca Minkoff Coquette Ankle Straps - Shopbop

Part of me feels, tho, that I should get taller heels - but I'm not so sure how much I would wear them as much as the flats ... I've been eye balling these:

Auri Footwear Layla - Piperlime

Or these. I've tried these on in Navy and they were super cute and uber comfy!

Seychelles Chirp - Piperlime

Decisions! Decisions!

~M

Wishful Wednesday

Paris. Oh, how I miss you! I've been wanting to go back to Paris for a loooonnnngggg time. And the longing has been getting stronger and stronger. Our friends just got engaged in front of the Eiffel Tower (one of the sweetest engagement pics ever) and my longing has shot through the roof. I scope out websites looking for deals. I've tried appealing to Husband to take pity on me and wisk me away to the City of Lights. Alas, no such luck. (so far ...)
So instead I look at our Paris pictures and heave heavy, pitiful, woe-is-me sighs.

One of my most favorite works of art. (That's me in the picture, btw).

In Versailles garden.

One of the best sandwiches we have ever had. I would completely cheat with my gluten free-ness for this sandwich ...

In the Boboli Gardens in Florence (Duomo in the background)

Wouldn't mind heading back to Italy, either. I watched Eat, Pray, Love a few weeks ago (LOVED the book - movie was decent) and it reminded me of our amazing trip ...

*sigh*

~M

Go Shorty, it's your berf-day ...

(Title credit to 50 cent).

Yes, today is my birthday. I am 31. THIRTY FREAKIN' ONE. I don't exactly feel 31. When I look in the mirror I don't necessarily see 31. I'm starting to see a line here and a line there. And I still get breakouts. So how can you feel old when you still get pimples? (Riddle me that, Batman). And while we are on riddles - how awful have birthday cards become these days?! It seems your only choices are poo/pee/fart jokes or you-are-incredibly-old jokes. Where's the creativity?!

But I digress.

I tend to get a wee bit down when my birthday roles around. I start to think about where I wanted to be at this age and where I actually am ... depressing city. Who wants to read or hear about that?! So THIS TIME I'm going to see the positives.
Each anniversary Husband and I like to share what we have learned from each other or how our marriage has grown and I shall do the same here. (And with a numbered list that I love so!) Now that I turn the wise old age of 31 - what have I learned?

1. I've got damn good genes
That's right. DNA. I'm blessed with some amazing DNA. See this woman?

That amazing woman (with my two adorable nieces) is my mother. And she is 63. SIXTY THREE. She takes biking trips in France. And does step aerobics with abandon. She pounds two glasses of wine and gets blitzed. She's NEVER had to color her hair. Her skin is gorgeous and smooth. She comes from another amazing woman who at 82 years old was hiking in Vail and traveling around the world. Yes, I've got damn good genes.

2. I'm so much wiser.
Not completely wiser - but a bit more so than before. I'm not the same person I was at 18 or 21 or even 28. I'm more grounded. I know more of what is important like sunscreen. Don't even get me started on sunscreen! I see these young whipper snappers fake tanning or slathering on the tanning lotion and I just shudder. You may look all good now, dear one - but in 15 to 20 years or so, your skin will look awful. Refer to amazing woman above who is the Sunscreen Queen.

3. I'm getting better at holding my tongue.
In my younger years, I was vocal about how I felt, my opinions, what was right, wrong, unfair. You name it. As I got closer to 30 - I started to actively pray to be meek. To watch the words that would come out of my mouth. To put on a thicker filter (between the brain and the mouth). I'd like to think I've somewhat succeeded. I know I turned off countless people and possible friendships by my spouting mouth. It's still a work in progress. I'm naturally an out-spoken person. But I'm learning to choose my words and my "stage" if you will.

4. I've found my career niche.
It took me awhile - but I've found it. I'm with a great company that I appreciate and vice versa. I'm making a difference and adding value. That makes me feel good. I look back at my past job experiences - where I should have stayed longer or where I could have done more. And I'm happy where I am. Not everyday is sunshine and lollipops - but ... I'm extremely blessed to have this job and actually enjoy what I do.

5. Perseverence
If you read my previous post - you will know of our struggle with infertility. At this point last year, I was wondering what the hell was wrong with me that I couldn't get pregnant. This year - I know what is wrong and we are making headway. I've been discouraged, angry, sad, bitter ... but I do believe that God has shown both Husband and I perseverence. And the ability to lift each other up and lean on one another. Which leads me to #6

6. My marriage is stronger
Marriage is a journey. A wonderful, rocky, loving, roller coaster journey. Everyone's experience is different - ours hasn't been the easiest. But, man, is it strong. And through our TTC journey - we've become closer, more compassionate, more understanding of each other. And as we get older, we continue to learn more about each other. We're always learning, always adapting, and always loving. Now I shouldn't say "always." I'm not being realistic. We fight, people. And we disagree at times BUT underneath all that we have a solid, strong foundation of love, trust, and respect. I've got a pretty darn good Husband. And he's hot.

As Tyler Perry would say: Hellllll-errrrrrrr! (what?! no one watches South Park?)

7. I'm blessed

So I have a few more winkles peeking out. So what. Or that it is getting harder to lose weight than it once was. {shrugs shoulders} So what that two glasses of wine give me a splitting headache the next day and the thought of taking shots at a bar make me roll my eyes. I'm blessed. I'm healthy. I have two feet; two hands, a healthy heart. I have Husband who loves me as I am. My family is healthy and loved. So what - I'm 31. Life is pretty darn nice.

~M

I lust ...

Have you heard of Sheridan French? No? Click here. And to fall in love with her more (not to mention her amazing style!) read her blog here.

I discovered Sheridan through another blog and then started stalking her website. Her clothes are amazing and absolutely beautiful. It has been my goal for 2011 to instill more color in my clothing life. No more black and blue and white! Give me color combinations like these:





Did you just die?! I did. So hop on over to her blog and/or her website and enter her giveaway!

~M

What not to say ...

Husband and I have been TTC (trying to conceive) for over a year and a half. We had a plan - we wanted to be married for five years and then we'd hop to it. We traveled, bought a new house, did what we wanted. So when we were ready to start trying, I was super optimistic. I knew our journey would be a bit longer than our friends (because of my thyroid disease) but I'm surrounded by women who's husbands just breathe on them and they become pregnant! I had high hopes.

(Ever hear the saying "Best way to make God laugh is to tell Him your plans" - Well, I've been keeping God in stitches).

Six months of trying - I started to get frustrated. 10 months of trying and my turning 30 - I started to worry/panic. A year of trying and I was completely discouraged. I'm now with a fertility doctor and I'm going through all the motions there. Infertility BITES. It really does. BUT my doctor and his nurses are A-MAZING. Each month is a struggle - I've had so much blood drawn that my arms look like they have heroin tracks. I'm getting poked, prodded, examined on a steady, consistent basis. I'm taking heavy fertility drugs and experiencing all the lovely side effects. Infertility is hard. It's trying. It's emotional. Thankfully, I have the World's Most Amazing Husband who is positive and encouraging and extremely supportive.

But I've gone on a tangent. The point of my post is What Not to Say to Couples that are TTC. In my year and a half struggle - I've heard it all. And I constantly ask myself: Did I ask and say these things to other women?

I've found that women don't like to talk about infertility. It's like something they are ashamed of. Like they've failed as women and have this problem. I've been pretty open with family and friends about my struggles and I'm constantly surprised how many women admit that they, too, have experienced fertility issues. The more I talk about my experience, the more I've learned from other women.

Again with the tangent. Here is my list in (no random order):

1. You just need to relax!
Really?! Why thank you! That's genius advice! It's hard to "relax" when things have turned almost robotic. You are on a schedule and you both are so focused the why's, th how's, the what-drug-is-this-now? stuff. When you get to a certain point in the TTC journey - it gets a bit harder to relax.

2. You need to get drunk one night and just go at it.
Excuse me?! I'm almost 31 people. Do you know how long it takes for me to recover from drinking two glasses of wine?! 21 I am not. Let alone just getting drunk one night is not going to make my eggs more fertile or my husband's swimmers swim faster. If anything, alcohol is not a good thing when TTC! Plus, genius advice giver, you have FOUR DAYS in an entire month that you are able to get pregnant. There's so much science involved that I'm not even going to go into it. Just don't say this. It's annoying.

3. You should think about adoption. I know a couple who started to adopt/did adopt/whatever and they got pregnant three months later!
This just makes me want to kick said genius advice giver in the shins. I'm not at the adoption stage. I want to give birth! I want to create a child with my husband! I need to try all the other avenues first before adoption even becomes an option for us. I'm just starting to wrap my head around my infertility - suggesting adoption at this stage is just insensitive. And upsetting. My heart hurts when I think about the possibility of never giving birth or creating a child or feeling it grow in my belly. I would need to mourn the loss of that option before I would even start to focus on adoption.

4. You're so young! You'll be fine.
This is not comforting. And no, I'm not young. Do you know, genius advice giver, that once you turn 34 your eggs become "old" and less fertile? Your chances of getting pregnant drop drastically! So the closer I get to 34, the more panicked I get. Giving me a "ppppssshhh, you're young!" comment just makes me feel like you are dismissing my situation and making it seem like it's not a big deal.

5. You just need to go on a trip!
Right. Because I'm not already spending an arm and a leg on fertility treatments that my insurance does not cover. Let alone LIFE expenses (house, car, food), we're to plan a trip to probably get drunk and relax, right? This is just a great way to combine 1 and 2 and still be insensitive.

6. Have you tried ...?
I've heard it all. Have you tried having sex on a full moon night? Have you tried using pillows? (Don't ask). Have you tried thisdrug or thisdrug? Have you tried this position? Have you, have you, have you. And the anser is YES! (well, not to the full moon thing. That is just ridiculous). I'm with a fertilty specialist now, people. In order to even GET to him, I had to go through the riggamarrole of all the other stuff. Yes, Husband has been checked (he's fine). Yes, I've been on clomid. Yes, I got my tubes blown out. Yes. yes. yes.

What to say instead:

1. I'm thinking of you.
2. It must be really hard for you both. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.
3. What can I do for you?
4. How are you feeling?

Or JUST LISTEN! Sometimes I want to cry it out, vent it out, or just talk it out. Sometimes I need to vocalize my thoughts so it makes more sense in my head. Women going through infertility just need other women to talk to. If your strength is a listening, comforting ear - then that is something that is better than any muttered, genius advice.

Did I miss any? What have people said to you?

~M

Hi Blog, it's me ... Mara

I'm an avid blog reader (read: obsessive). I'm into it all: fashion, art, DIY, or just the family and friends update. For quite some time I've been mulling around the idea of writing my own blog. I LOVE to write. I journal constantly. So why not have a blog to share news, fashion (expert I am not), discoveries, and random thoughts?!

Thus - my mumbles.

Thanks for reading and welcome to the mumbling!

~M