What not to say ...

People say the darndest things, eh? I so enjoy (sometimes) when people feel they can say anything they want to you without thinking what is really coming out of their mouth. I had a what not to say to a woman struggling with infertility and now I have a list of what not to say to a pregnant woman. I have to hold myself back from repeatedly kicking people in their shins with all their ridiculousness. Doesn't anyone think before they speak anymore?!

1. You're going to be HUGE!
This from everyone and their brother when I tell them I'm pregnant with twins. Thank you, Captain Obvious. I am already aware that I may get somewhat larger than the average bear. However, when I already have lost sight of my waist and I feel as if my boobs and belly have overtaken me - I appreciate you building up my confidence by telling me I will be huge. Can't we just stick with "cute"?

2. You're boobs are gigantic!
Yes, I have had people say this to me. Mostly older woman. A few guys here and there give me a wide eye look ... Yes, I know. They are large. I'm very much trying not to put them on display but maternity clothes can be ugly and I'm still trying to be somewhat fashionable while I can before I just give up and resort to sweats. I'm not gonna lie - I miss my "old" boobs. They fit me just fine. I don't know how Jessica Simpson handles these things on a daily basis!

3. Get some sleep now! You're not going to get it for the rest of your life!
Really? Really? If only you knew, Clueless One, that I'm already NOT sleeping. Sleep?! I don't even know what that is anymore. I just know the sun goes down and I'm supposed to lay in my bed and shift around all night while my hip subtly tortures me. But thank goodness for your sound advice on getting some sleep! I never thought of that!

4. I know someone who had a horrible experience while they were pregnant and I want to tell you all about it!
What is wrong with people?! I've had two women - TWO - tell me that they also were carrying twins and miscarried one at four months/five months ... Why in heaven's name would you tell me that?! Why would you regale me with your horrendous birth stories or tell me wayyyyyyy more about your vagina than I ever wanted to know?! Is it really that hard to say: Congratulations! What wonderful news. And then end it there?! Why, yes, I guess it is.

5. You need this stroller/this daycare/this doctor/this hospital. You're going where?! That's horrible. You should do this ...
Shut. Up. Please just shut it. I am squirming in my seat in order to not kick you in the shins. Did I ask for your opinion? Nope. If I asked - by all means, please do tell. But I sure don't recall asking. AND if I answer your silly question and you disagree, keep it to yourself. I've been researching strollers/hospitals/daycares, etc and I know what I want. So stuff it. Just nod your head and tell me that all sounds lovely. See? Easy-peasy.

6. Did you try for twins on purpose?
Say wha-? Did we try for twins on purpose?! Now, how in the world of biology would I actively be able to try for twins?! Did you just hear what came out of your mouth?! The first time someone asked me this (yes, there has been more than one) I actually stared at them for a full 10 seconds before I got my wits about me to answer. I was so taken aback that someone would think (and this a grown woman with children of her own) that you could actually try for twins. It still boggles my mind how some people's brain works ...

7. You must have spent a fortune on IVF.
*sigh* From the start I have been completely open with my infertility journey. I have always strongly felt that women are not fully educated in fertility and the more I talk about it - the more people learn. I was lucky to be able to get pregnant using IUI. However, couples that get to the IVF stage - it can be very sensitive. Yes, it's expensive but you don't know their journey in getting there! You don't know what that woman has been through so to ask something so callous and insensitive, just gets my goat. Not to mention it is completely none of your business what I spent on my infertility or how I came about getting pregnant! It's like asking what my husband's salary is or how much I paid for my house. eesh.

8. Ooooh! I'm going to rub my hands all over your belly!
No, no you are not. If you are my close friend, favorite aunt, my mother, or my husband - you are allowed to rub my belly anytime you want. If you are a complete stranger, a family member I hardly ever see, a co-worker, a complete moron - you cannot rub my belly. Ever. I get it - you see a pregnant belly and it's just instinct to want to reach out and touch. My advice: ask first if you are just dying to rub the belly. If the mother says "No, thank you" (like my cousin did fabulously to an over-zealous aunt) then step back and say okay. It's awkward enough to have to say no but I do appreciate the choice TO say no. Here's a better idea: just don't rub pregnant women's bellies.


I'm sure as time goes on I'll be adding to this list! Thankfully, I can laugh at it. It's fun to come home and tell Husband the silly things that happened to me with people or what has been said. We get a real kick out of it!

Tomorrow we are sneaking in an ultrasound to see if we can find out Batman and Robin's genders. I'm 16 1/2 weeks along so it is a tad bit early (my 20 week appointment isn't until September 11th. Too far away!!!). I'd just like to know so that we can get registering and nursery decorating ... my goal is to have everything done for the babies by Thanksgiving. You never know when they might decide to show up! I found out this weekend that when my grandmother was pregnant with her twins (my aunt and uncle) they were due on my due date (January 25th) but they came December 7th. Gulp.

As I'm Matron of Honor in my cousin's wedding on December 8th - I tell Batman and Robin on a daily basis that they can appear anytime AFTER December 8th. They just need to let Mommy be at the wedding and do her wedding duties. I'll be 33 weeks ... My goal (and prayer) is that I make it to 37 weeks with no bed rest! Keep your fingers crossed!!

~M

Being an "FI"

My adorable mother has so enjoyed buying me pregnancy magazines. Some are meh - but one I really do enjoy: Fit Pregnancy. There is a lot of good stuff in there! An article in particular really hit a chord with me: Formerly Infertile. The author, Leslie Goldman, named us girls who have struggled with infertility and now are pregnant "Former Infertiles" (or FI's). She also talked about how an FI pregnancy is a different roller coaster all together compared to those women who had no struggle getting pregnant.

I found myself nodding my head in agreement at almost everything she wrote. Leslie states that FI's can struggle with so many more emotions than the average pregnant woman: guilt, an identity crisis, high anxiety, nerves ...

There's the guilt among our infertile sisters for becoming pregnant. There's also the guilt in complaining about the pregnancy. It's like you've waited so long and NOW you're sitting here complaining?! I find myself in the latter boat...I catch myself whining to Husband - my head is pounding! I haven't slept since June 7th (I'm not kidding. I really haven't slept since that day. It was a wonderful sleep). My left hip is KILLING me (due to all the weight I've suddenly developed in front. Thanks, boobs and belly). And so on.

And then I catch myself. This pregnancy is what I've wanted for three years! It's what I've cried over and journaled and daydreamed. But, yet, I'm complaining about my hip? I feel as an FI - I should just be so thankful for every hardship ... Leslie, however, says it is okay for us to complain! Pregnancy is HARD and definitely not pain free (hello, twins here). We, even as an FI, have the right to vent a bit. BUT seek support with the right ears.

Leslie also discussed the emotions of nervousness and high anxiety. Hello, me. I SO have this. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. There are times I'm convinced that something will go wrong; that something is bound to happen to my babies thus I just sit and worry endlessly. Or if I'm NOT sick one day - I get afraid that something is wrong with the babies. I should be sick! I've been sick every day for the past 13 weeks! I'm a wreck until I get to the doctor and see the babies on the ultrasound machine. I've been driving my husband crazy with all my worrying, googling, researching, stressing. I want to enjoy this pregnancy - but for three years I've had nothing but diappointment. It's hard to make the switch that my babies might just be okay! 

Now at almost 16 weeks, I'm a bit more calm. I have a nice beer gut going on and I feel as if I'm out of the danger zone. Not to mention when my high risk doctor told me that the babies looked wonderful and I am showing no signs of miscarriage - that sure did help.

Then there's also the identity crisis. For years, I've been an infertile woman dodging the when are you going to have kids?! questions and trying to keep my despair from showing through. Suddenly (but not really suddenly) I'm going to be a mother ... of twins! To shift gears and look at myself in the mirror as a mother is something that I still find surreal. To actually become a mother when I've been through a lot of heartache - is ... frightening. Exhilarating! Scary. Joyful! It's just an amazing roller coaster....

I was so thankful to have stumbled upon this article. Leslie helped me take a deep breath and remember that I'm okay. I'm normal! And that in itself is comforting!!

~M