Please excuse the silly blog title positioning ... I'm still working some kinks out. Blogger savvy, I am not ... But I'm slowly getting the hang of it.
What a week! I can't say it has been the best week... More on the TTC front and it's not good. On Monday we discovered that even tho I got my period - I still had eggs left over from the OHSS debacle. This is normal so I was to take a medication for 10 days that would allow my ovaries to shut down and the eggs to naturally go away. After those 10 days, I would get my period again and then be able to start a new round of treatment. However, before I was able to take the medication, I had to get a pregnancy test just to be sure. No big. Just going through the motions. That afternoon, the nurse called me and seemed concerned. In order for me to be considered "not pregnant" my hcg horomone needed to be below a 3. It WAS a 3. So I was to go and get another blood test on Monday. Okkkkaaaay.
Imagine my (and the nurses!) surprise when on Wednesday my hcg measured 9. It tripled!! Hello?! The nurse warned me that I may be having a chemical pregnancy (when the egg fails to implant properly) and that I would probably miscarry. Great. But just to be sure I needed to get another blood test on Friday. And the news was that my hcg is now a 10. The fact that it did not decrease is a bad thing. The fact that it didn't shoot up higher is a slightly good thing. So NOW the nurses think I may be having an eptopic pregnancy (when the egg is in the fallopian tube). This is REALLY not good. This could severely damage my tube to the extent that I will have to get it removed. It's a bit harder to get pregnant with one ovary ... I have to go back on Tuesday to get another blood test to monitor my hcg levels. I'm to call the nurses if I feel any pain or have massive amounts of blood flow. I may miscarry over the weekend or they may need to give me an injection in order to force my body to miscarry. An eptopic pregnancy is pretty serious and could be dangerous. Husband's good work buddy almost died recently when she had an undetected eptopic pregnancy (and I'm not being dramatic - it was pretty serious!).
Unfortunately, it's too soon for an ultrasound to see where the egg is and if it is indeed in my fallopian tube. As of right now, we'll just have to rely on blood tests. You should see my poor arms. Thank goodness it is long sleeve weather or people would start to wonder ...
I'm still a bit numb. I don't even know where to start praying ... Of course I'm praying that it's not an eptopic pregnancy. Then I'm asking him to keep me and my ovaries safe. I'm asking for peace of mind. And I'm asking why (I can't help it).
Really, I'm just sad and discouraged. My body is just not happy with me ... It's tough, too, because we must take it day by day; test by test. It's hard to know what is truly going on and I just have to be careful. It's awful. Just awful. Come December, it will be two years that we've been trying to conceive. I'm ready to throw the towel in. Two years of an emotional roller coaster. Granted we haven't gone through major treatments (insemination, IVF) but I've had enough drugs pumped through my system to start my own infertility drug store.
As always - Pandora plays a great song to kick me in my behind. I will try (because right now, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not feeling it) to "praise Him through the storm." (courtesy of Casting Crowns). I think I'll go home, have a nice cry, and eat some ice cream or something. It helps me to have a hearty cry and then I feel better to face the day again.
In the meantime, I'm going to try to stay faithful. Faithful that God is with me. Faithful that He has me with a doctor that knows what he's doing. Faithful that God will protect my body from further harm. I need to stay faithful.
Depressing post, I know. I promise something more uplifiting next week.
~M
Friday, October 14, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Fall!!
Okay - enough Deep Thoughts by Mara posts. It's Fall, people! (Even tho, in STL the weather is over 80 degrees. Typical.)
I've been scoping my favorite stores, slowly making a Fall Wish List. I don't think Husband reads my blog (sad!) but if he did (does) Anniversary and Christmas would be easy-peasy for him! (hint hint).
So I thought I would share with you all what I've had my on. There is some pretty stuff out there this season!
1. Frye Melissa Button Boot - I've been LUSTING after these for years. Years, I tell you. And the fact that they are still around just solidifies why I should buy them already. *sigh* Too many colors to choose between - I keep flipping back and forth between fawn, chocolate vintage, and cognac ...
2. Hive and Honey Toluca - I once turned my nose up at the Bootie. Oh, but how I've changed my ways! There are so many adorable options. Like said Hive and Honey that come in a gorg greyish green bootie ... love!
3. The Addison Story Pleated Dress - love the color. Love the style. And love how it would look with my (phantom) Frye boots!
4. Parker Maxi Dress - Did you just die?! I did. I'm a HUGE fan of maxi dresses! Love how they hide things but still make you look sexy or in style. Not like you're wearing a moo-moo or anything. I also love how they are transitioning to fall. Now the key is to find something like this dress - just cheaper!
5. J.Crew Merino Fair Isle Sweater - Oh, J.Crew. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways! Love the simplicity of the sweater and the fair isle!
6. J.Crew Sash Skirt - this just may be part of my Christmas outfit ... too soon to tell. But I just love the skirt! It defines your waist (worn high) and makes it look incredibly small. Who does love that?!
7. J.Crew Ruthie Shirtdress - okay. okay. one more from J.Crew. This shirtdress is so versatile! Wear with booties, riding boots, or dress it up with a heel.
8. Anthropologie Neo-Jacquard Pullover - My go-to store: Anthropologie! Husband hates that store but I LOVE IT. I always go there first when I'm looking for something special or feel like treating myself. There is just so many possibilities! Like this ah-maz-ing sweater. I tried it on and I'm not gonna lie - I almost bought it. It's gorg!
9. Anthropologie Duster Danglers - Again, I die! Love the color (so great for fall!) and the fact that it is not a blatant feather ... Ah-dore.
10. Anthropologie Fortified Wrap Braclet - you all know my obsession with bracelets and this is no exception. Dressy and casual all at once. Love!
11. Coach Madison Leather Lindsay Satchel - This one is similar (and cheaper) to the one I originally saw in the window. THIS one had me pawing the display window and wimpering. (Macy's doesn't have the color I drooled over... It was a gorgeous burgundy/wine color!). But then I saw the price. Eep. So this one is similar and the color is still do die for!
Yay for fall!
~M
I've been scoping my favorite stores, slowly making a Fall Wish List. I don't think Husband reads my blog (sad!) but if he did (does) Anniversary and Christmas would be easy-peasy for him! (hint hint).
So I thought I would share with you all what I've had my on. There is some pretty stuff out there this season!
1. Frye Melissa Button Boot - I've been LUSTING after these for years. Years, I tell you. And the fact that they are still around just solidifies why I should buy them already. *sigh* Too many colors to choose between - I keep flipping back and forth between fawn, chocolate vintage, and cognac ...
2. Hive and Honey Toluca - I once turned my nose up at the Bootie. Oh, but how I've changed my ways! There are so many adorable options. Like said Hive and Honey that come in a gorg greyish green bootie ... love!
3. The Addison Story Pleated Dress - love the color. Love the style. And love how it would look with my (phantom) Frye boots!
4. Parker Maxi Dress - Did you just die?! I did. I'm a HUGE fan of maxi dresses! Love how they hide things but still make you look sexy or in style. Not like you're wearing a moo-moo or anything. I also love how they are transitioning to fall. Now the key is to find something like this dress - just cheaper!
5. J.Crew Merino Fair Isle Sweater - Oh, J.Crew. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways! Love the simplicity of the sweater and the fair isle!
6. J.Crew Sash Skirt - this just may be part of my Christmas outfit ... too soon to tell. But I just love the skirt! It defines your waist (worn high) and makes it look incredibly small. Who does love that?!
7. J.Crew Ruthie Shirtdress - okay. okay. one more from J.Crew. This shirtdress is so versatile! Wear with booties, riding boots, or dress it up with a heel.
8. Anthropologie Neo-Jacquard Pullover - My go-to store: Anthropologie! Husband hates that store but I LOVE IT. I always go there first when I'm looking for something special or feel like treating myself. There is just so many possibilities! Like this ah-maz-ing sweater. I tried it on and I'm not gonna lie - I almost bought it. It's gorg!
9. Anthropologie Duster Danglers - Again, I die! Love the color (so great for fall!) and the fact that it is not a blatant feather ... Ah-dore.
10. Anthropologie Fortified Wrap Braclet - you all know my obsession with bracelets and this is no exception. Dressy and casual all at once. Love!
11. Coach Madison Leather Lindsay Satchel - This one is similar (and cheaper) to the one I originally saw in the window. THIS one had me pawing the display window and wimpering. (Macy's doesn't have the color I drooled over... It was a gorgeous burgundy/wine color!). But then I saw the price. Eep. So this one is similar and the color is still do die for!
Yay for fall!
~M
Be Still and Know
While sitting at work - I like to play my Pandora. It just helps the day move along faster and I get to rock out. A song came on that made me stop and listen (and read the lyrics. Pandora is so great!) Be Still and Know by Steven Curtis Chapman.
Based on the Proverbs to be still and know God - the song is simply saying - Be Still and listen. Lean on God. I need to remind myself of this every day. Too many times I carry burdens on my own and they get me down. I really, really struggle with laying everything at God's door and letting him take over my heart. Why do I fight Him? It's so silly, really ...
The latest TTC update - this go-round I got OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome). Basically, women with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) like moi have a chance of getting this during their fertility treatments. It was discovered during my internal ultrasound check up that I had NINE EGGS in my ovaries. Nine full size eggs that were still growing (five in one ovary, four in the other). Thus this meant BAD. No way could Husband and I TTC this month for fear that all nine eggs could release and I could be my own Kate Plus Eight (uh, no thank you). AND to top it off, my ovaries were VERY swollen and full of fluid. So if I did anything active (work out, lift weights, lift heavy objects, even had sex!) I could burst or rupture an ovary which could then lead to the excess fluid filling up my lungs. Not good.
The fun side effects of OHSS (besides the possibility of rupturing an ovary) is that my ovaries being so swollen makes me look like I have a buddah belly. Lovely. AND I'm majorly cramping and in pain. Picture your PMS-ing cramping and just intensify that. That's how it feels. My ovaries just feel tender and sore. Let's not forget that I was supposed to be in my BFF's wedding! Where I wasn't supposed to dance or anything. Lame! Thankfully the dresses were loose, so my buddah belly was well hidden. I look at pictures and think I look puffy (but I'm a lot harder on myself than most ...). And I danced, dammit. I took it easy - but I danced. It's just not possible for me to sit on my behind and watch people dancing ...
AND! AND! I can't drink water until I get my period. Because water would make me retain extra fluid which would not be good for the ovaries. So I've been drinking Gatorade for almost two weeks. Two weeks of nothing but Gatorade. BLECH. Can you imagine? It's awful. Do you know how much sugar is in Gatorade? And when you drink it A LOT ... again with the blech.
Needless to say - I've never looked forward to getting my period as I have been these past weeks.
With all of this - I've had a few tearful times. But I'm really working on being still and knowing that God is with me. I'm thankful that I don't have that helpless feeling that I had before - finally I feel my heart is in the right place and I'm truly listening to God (a daily struggle - but still. God knows my heart!).
Each month I'm learning so much about my fertility journey. I hope I will be able to help other women going through the same journey. And I'm thankful I had my "ah-ha" moment so that I could be in a better place as this journey continues. I continue to pray that God will bless Husband and I with a pregnancy. But for now - I will be still and know He is God. Be still and know He is with me. Above all things - that should give me comfort.
~M
Based on the Proverbs to be still and know God - the song is simply saying - Be Still and listen. Lean on God. I need to remind myself of this every day. Too many times I carry burdens on my own and they get me down. I really, really struggle with laying everything at God's door and letting him take over my heart. Why do I fight Him? It's so silly, really ...
The latest TTC update - this go-round I got OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome). Basically, women with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) like moi have a chance of getting this during their fertility treatments. It was discovered during my internal ultrasound check up that I had NINE EGGS in my ovaries. Nine full size eggs that were still growing (five in one ovary, four in the other). Thus this meant BAD. No way could Husband and I TTC this month for fear that all nine eggs could release and I could be my own Kate Plus Eight (uh, no thank you). AND to top it off, my ovaries were VERY swollen and full of fluid. So if I did anything active (work out, lift weights, lift heavy objects, even had sex!) I could burst or rupture an ovary which could then lead to the excess fluid filling up my lungs. Not good.
The fun side effects of OHSS (besides the possibility of rupturing an ovary) is that my ovaries being so swollen makes me look like I have a buddah belly. Lovely. AND I'm majorly cramping and in pain. Picture your PMS-ing cramping and just intensify that. That's how it feels. My ovaries just feel tender and sore. Let's not forget that I was supposed to be in my BFF's wedding! Where I wasn't supposed to dance or anything. Lame! Thankfully the dresses were loose, so my buddah belly was well hidden. I look at pictures and think I look puffy (but I'm a lot harder on myself than most ...). And I danced, dammit. I took it easy - but I danced. It's just not possible for me to sit on my behind and watch people dancing ...
AND! AND! I can't drink water until I get my period. Because water would make me retain extra fluid which would not be good for the ovaries. So I've been drinking Gatorade for almost two weeks. Two weeks of nothing but Gatorade. BLECH. Can you imagine? It's awful. Do you know how much sugar is in Gatorade? And when you drink it A LOT ... again with the blech.
Needless to say - I've never looked forward to getting my period as I have been these past weeks.
With all of this - I've had a few tearful times. But I'm really working on being still and knowing that God is with me. I'm thankful that I don't have that helpless feeling that I had before - finally I feel my heart is in the right place and I'm truly listening to God (a daily struggle - but still. God knows my heart!).
Each month I'm learning so much about my fertility journey. I hope I will be able to help other women going through the same journey. And I'm thankful I had my "ah-ha" moment so that I could be in a better place as this journey continues. I continue to pray that God will bless Husband and I with a pregnancy. But for now - I will be still and know He is God. Be still and know He is with me. Above all things - that should give me comfort.
~M
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