Be Still and Know

While sitting at work - I like to play my Pandora. It just helps the day move along faster and I get to rock out. A song came on that made me stop and listen (and read the lyrics. Pandora is so great!) Be Still and Know by Steven Curtis Chapman.

Based on the Proverbs to be still and know God - the song is simply saying - Be Still and listen. Lean on God. I need to remind myself of this every day. Too many times I carry burdens on my own and they get me down. I really, really struggle with laying everything at God's door and letting him take over my heart. Why do I fight Him? It's so silly, really ...

The latest TTC update - this go-round I got OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome). Basically, women with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) like moi have a chance of getting this during their fertility treatments. It was discovered during my internal ultrasound check up that I had NINE EGGS in my ovaries. Nine full size eggs that were still growing (five in one ovary, four in the other). Thus this meant BAD. No way could Husband and I TTC this month for fear that all nine eggs could release and I could be my own Kate Plus Eight (uh, no thank you). AND to top it off, my ovaries were VERY swollen and full of fluid. So if I did anything active (work out, lift weights, lift heavy objects, even had sex!) I could burst or rupture an ovary which could then lead to the excess fluid filling up my lungs. Not good.

The fun side effects of OHSS (besides the possibility of rupturing an ovary) is that my ovaries being so swollen makes me look like I have a buddah belly. Lovely. AND I'm majorly cramping and in pain. Picture your PMS-ing cramping and just intensify that. That's how it feels. My ovaries just feel tender and sore. Let's not forget that I was supposed to be in my BFF's wedding! Where I wasn't supposed to dance or anything. Lame! Thankfully the dresses were loose, so my buddah belly was well hidden. I look at pictures and think I look puffy (but I'm a lot harder on myself than most ...). And I danced, dammit. I took it easy - but I danced. It's just not possible for me to sit on my behind and watch people dancing ...

AND! AND! I can't drink water until I get my period. Because water would make me retain extra fluid which would not be good for the ovaries. So I've been drinking Gatorade for almost two weeks. Two weeks of nothing but Gatorade. BLECH. Can you imagine? It's awful. Do you know how much sugar is in Gatorade? And when you drink it A LOT ... again with the blech.

Needless to say - I've never looked forward to getting my period as I have been these past weeks.

With all of this - I've had a few tearful times. But I'm really working on being still and knowing that God is with me. I'm thankful that I don't have that helpless feeling that I had before - finally I feel my heart is in the right place and I'm truly listening to God (a daily struggle - but still. God knows my heart!).

Each month I'm learning so much about my fertility journey. I hope I will be able to help other women going through the same journey. And I'm thankful I had my "ah-ha" moment so that I could be in a better place as this journey continues. I continue to pray that God will bless Husband and I with a pregnancy. But for now - I will be still and know He is God. Be still and know He is with me. Above all things - that should give me comfort.

~M