That's right. Sometimes I fake it. Not to brag or anything, but I'm really good at it.
And, no, I'm not talking about with Husband. :)
I fake happiness. Now, I don't do it all the time. I'd like to consider myself a geniunely happy person with a slightly pessimistic spin.
Does that even make sense?! But there are times where fake happiness must make an appearance. I find that more and more in my infertility journey - my ability to fake happiness is getting a work out! Sometimes I dislike myself for my ability. Other times I'm grateful for it.
It always seems like everyone is getting pregnant. And just when you thought that everyone IS pregnant; more everyones become pregnant. Lovely.
As I've said in a previous post - I still choose joy for those that are pregnant, have given birth, have adopted a child ... all those things are miracles in itself! But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I still get down. I still need to fake happiness here and there because really, people. Infertility is HARD. It SUCKS. If you let it consume you (as I've done in the past) - it's even exhausting. Very, very exhausting.
I'm the lone ranger in our group of friends. Husband and I are the only couple without children. So friend conversations now revolve around babies, children, day care, birth, pregnancy, diapers, baby toys ... you name it. I can hold my own a bit because I have five adorable nieces and nephews so I at least have an
idea of what they are talking about. But there are times when I just want to walk outside and let out the loudest and longest frustrated scream. Then calmly walk back inside all better. Or maybe just change the subject all together.
How about those Blues, eh? We're actually going to make it to the playoffs!!
No such luck.
Sometimes I'll escape the female chatter and go hang out with Husband and the guys. There I can sit quietly and save myself from endless baby talk. I can only take so much.
Or I just fake it. And then I feel bad that I'm faking it b/c these are my friends! I care about them and their families! I don't like being a bad friend ...
But ... there's always a "but" ... I'm only as strong as I let myself be. Most of the time if I fake happiness - I usually can fight through the woe-is-me fog that wants to settle around me. Other times I'm able to table it and throw my brief pity party once I'm by myself. Or I handle as much as I can and then go to Husband and whisper
"Please get me out of here" to which he will with complete understanding.
This weekend we are having friends over with their children. It's so wonderful to be able to get together and entertain at our house. But I know I'm in for baby talk out of this world. And this time, I won't be able to escape it (it being my house and all...). These friends don't know about our latest miscarriage and what we've been through. I've always been very vocal about our journey - but I've discovered that some (actually, most) people get uncomfortable. And I don't blame them! What do you say?! Usually if I bring it up - I'm met with pitying looks and/or silence. So I shut my trap and on we go.
So my advice to you and all those out there with friends struggling with infertility - just ask them how they are doing. Ask them if they are okay. Listen to them. Let them talk it out. Give them a reassuring hand or hug and just simply say: I am so sorry you are going through this.
I would give anything - ANYTHING! if one of our friends would look at me and say "Mara, how are
you doing?" And then just let me talk and be there to listen. If I didn't have my mother or Husband or this blog - I would have no way to talk about infertility. Why is that?! How did infertility become a four letter word that no one talks about?!
I've promised myself to never forget. I will never forget how infertility has affected me. I will always drop everything to listen and support anyone I know going through this. Infertility can be a lonely journey for couples and especially lonely for women. I don't ever want another woman to feel alone or left out like I have felt by other women.
My hcg has officially gone negative. It took my body awhile to realize that I wasn't pregnant anymore. So if everything continues it's course - we should be ready to go in April. I'm beyond nervous. I'm full of what-if's: what if it doesn't work? what if something goes wrong? What if we have to do IVF (which scares me to no end ...)
God's got something going on, I know. I'm not a particular fan of what's going on at the moment but He is God after all. Who am I to question? (Although, I can't help it!). I'm just going to continue to pray for peace and courage to get through what is ahead.
There's a lot ahead for us. Hopefully, I won't have to fake it ever again.
~M
