Squeeeee!!!!!!

 Gundlach Bundschu

I leave for San Francisco with Husband in two (count 'em! TWO) days! Oh, Lordy, I just can't wait!! We'll be spending four days in Sonoma - hiking the redwoods and drinking lots-o-wine (um, duh.) Then we'll head to San Fran to be goofy tourists - Alcatraz, cable cars, etc.

I am beyond giddy over the fact that I will have Husband all to myself! No work! No phones! (well, kinda no phones. I mean, really.) No family! No responsiblities! Just us! Just me and him! Alone! Together!

The view at Gundlach Bundschu - one of the wineries we plan to visit!

Poor Husband has been swamped at work - so I'm praying he will be able to relax. I plan to eat, drink, and be merry all week. It will be lovely. Absolutely lovely.

'till then - peace out!

~M

Faith

Yesterday I was riding in the elevator to my fertility doc when a poster caught my eye. It said Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark.

I blinked dumbly at the poster my entire elevator ride to the sixth floor. How many times had I riden this same elevator never to notice this poster hanging on the wall?! For one thing - the picture they chose to go with the saying is uber cheesy and just doesn't do the phrase justice. So maybe that's why my eye passed over it ... Or I'm always looking at my phone on the way up and calling Husband on the way down. Who knows.

Yesterday was different. I had a sad day. And I felt like crap. I had a higher dosage of shot #1 on Monday and by Wednesday I was pretty tired of the side effects. But that poster just really made me think. Lately, I've been questioning God. Asking Him why. Asking him what the heck is up. Asking where He is. Basically, I've been a whiny Christian. "Why me?" "Why us?" Wah wah wah. There are times when I expect God to tell me "I'll listen when you speak in your normal voice." (Which is what my father would say to us when we started getting into whiny voice mode.)

So I thought about that poster all day. I met with my mom after my appointment and she just radiates positiveness. She's so faithful and trusting with God. And I so appreciate her and the role model that she is for me. So starting now - I will sing when the dawn is still dark. And I will appreciate and be thankful that God has blessed me in so many other ways rather than being so focused on my struggle with infertility.  I'm blessed to be leaving for Wine Country in t-minus THREE days with Husband. I'm blessed by having two mature eggs in my left ovary and one egg in my right ovary this round of treatment!

I needed to be reminded to be faithful. To trust. And to let God do His thang. Amen!

~M

Obsessed much?!

Yes. Yes, I am. This summer I've become obsessed with bracelets. Necklaces I do - but I've got a sensitive collar bone and sometimes the chains bother me (weird, I know). I LOVE rings but have my standards that I always wear.

But THIS summer - stacking bracelts has been all the rage and I am totally on that bandwagon! 

And what's REALLY great about my bracelet obsession  is that I get to DIY. There is a fabulous blog: Honestly ... WTF. (The picture right above is from them!) This blog has a DIY section with so many fabulous tutorials for bracelets, necklaces, clothes, handbags - you name it! I can now try my hand at being crafty. As I am not the naturally crafty kind of gal. I have a list and plan to make a few bracelets. So we shall see if I am able to tap into my creative side. AND I'll be saving some mad money as the bracelets I adore are WAY more than what a normal person should spend on a bracelet purchase.

A win-win for all!

~M

P.S. top two pictures are from Lauren Elan. Check her out. Her stuff is just gorgeous and creative, and fun! I want!

Do you have good hair?

Over the weekend I watched this documentary by Chris Rock: Good Hair. While Chris Rock takes it from the African-American perspective, I don't care if you are black, white, red, yellow, or purple - ALL women can relate to it! What women go through and sacrifice all for the love of our hair and most importantly our self esteem! Maya Angelou said it best when she said (and I'm majorly paraphrasing here) that women celebrate hair together. It's like a right of passage with our mothers and friends and sisters. Our hair makes us feel feminine and plays a part in our self worth. Aside from all the serious things I got from it - I also laughed out loud. Chris Rock is pretty damn funny.

Husband even got sucked into it with me because he heard me laughing and talking back to the T.V. I SO recommend watching it!!

I've been painstakingly trying to grow my hair out. When I got married, my hair was long and amazing! And for some unknown reason (maybe because I'm crazy), I cut it. And when I got it cut, I got a bad hair cut. So I had to keep cutting it to repair the damage from the bad haircut. So since then I've been trying to grow it out. Some days I want to shave my head; other days I'd just like to snip it to my shoulders. BUT Husband loves my hair long. So we made a deal - if he keeps his beard (it gets really hot in the summer for him! But I love it so) then I'll keep my long hair. It works for us.

I'm heading to get my hair colored tomorrow and I already have pictures and everything to show my wonderful, amazing, I-would-die-without-her hair stylist. I haven't colored my hair in awhile and I'm excited! Isn't funny how something so simple as hair color would be such a huge pick-me-up?!

~M

To say I'm discouraged is an understatement ...

Ever have one of those days where you are just blue? Or when you are all weepy-pants? Woe is me-ish? Well, I've had one of those weeks. I woke up this morning and seriously thought to myself: TGIF. Could this week PLEASE be over with?! Give me Saturday so I can burrow under my covers and wish it all to just go the hell away.

Not to go into too many of the details but it's been an emotional, roller coaster week in the TTC realm (for me. And for Husband, I'm sure, because he has to deal with me. Bless his heart). There's been a lot of: am I? No, I'm not. Wait. But I could be? Oh. I'm not. Hold up. This happens? So I could be? Oh. Not really.

So many possiblities, could-be's, if this happens then this will HAVE to happen... But the main thing out of this week is: just wait. I HATE TO WAIT. I'm that annoying person in a long line tapping their toes, shifting their positions a-gazillion times, heaving sighs, glancing at my watch. I'm like a five year old that has to pee when faced with a long line. So telling me to "just wait" isn't fair!

And to top it off - if I'm not pregnant then my next round of treatments will fall in the week that Husband and I will be on vacation. Which could mean we just might have to skip the next go-round of treatments.

Let me side track to tell you about this vacation. This vacay will be the first time this year that Husband and I will be away BY OURSELVES. We've been blessed to go on trips this year with our families. I went to Miami with my momma (so wonderful!). Husband went skiing with my father. The In-Laws took us to Spring Training in FL. We went to Colorado with my family ... So this blissful week of just US has us giddy with excitement. (We're going to San Francisco, BTW. Spending a few days in Wine Country and then the rest in the city. CAN. NOT. WAIT. Damn waiting ...)

Now when I go to the doc for treatment, I get one shot to ready the eggs. I then go back in a certain period of time later to get an ultrasound for them to be sure I have an egg ready. So if I have an egg ready to go (so far so good) I get another shot and off we go. We'll be on vacay when I will require my second shot (which requires an ultrasound). The possibility that our amazing, wonderful trip together could jeopordize this month's attempt to get pregnant has me just beside myself. We can't really reschedule our trip and frankly, part of me doesn't even want to try to reschedule. This is our trip! I want to go away with my husband, dammit!

So cue the tears. I wonder why God has been silent with me. I ask Him why a lot. Why me? Why us? We'd be such great parents. We'd be God-fearing loving parents. But I can't get pregnant. When I hear stories of how it took other women four, five, six, even TEN years to get pregnant. I shudder. Not me, God I silently plea. Please don't let that happen to me. But as each month rolls by, its hard not to think that it COULD be me. So the house that we built for our family sits empty. I continually dodge insulting questions as to why Husband and I have no children. I smile and nod and mentally picture strangling the person who tells me "It will happen when you least expect it!" (Oh, if I had a quarter for every time I heard that ...)

You know the saying God only gives you what you can handle ... well, I'm just about at my breaking point. I just don't know how I could possibly handle any more ...

Thus the discouragement. And the saddness. And the woe is me. I know I say this all the time - but Husband has truly been a rock. So wonderful and so supportive. He listens and makes me laugh. Helps me to realize when I am being a complete moron. I get so wrapped up in myself and how I'm feeling that I forget to be strong for him. I know that I'm bearing the majority of the ordeal b/c it's my body that is getting all the "fun stuff" - but he's going through it too in his own way.

I'm also thankful for my parents. Man, they stinkin' rock. And when they say they'll pray for me - I know they really will (and do.)

I'm pretty good about not remaining in my woe-is-me state. I usually have one day (two max) where I'm mopey-pants around the house. Then I snap out of it and chug-a-lug forward. But this week, with the up's and down's, I haven't been too successful at the whole snap-out-of-it thing.

So. To end my depressing post (sorry!) I'm going to be gosh darn thankful that it is Friday. I'm going to be lazy. And I'm going to have to suck it up and just blinkin' wait. As my brother says "It is what it is." So true. So true.

Maybe I'll treat myself to some Chick Filet. Their fries are gluten free, you know. :) It's the little things in life I need to remember to enjoy. Chick Filet is one of them. Steak n' Shake fries are another. And my amazing trip with Husband that is t-minus two weeks and some change away.

~M

Dear ---

One of my most enjoyable blogs (she makes me laugh out loud) that I read randomly does "Dear [insert name here]" posts. I love it and I'm stealing the idea. It's a great way to vent!

So here goes ...

Dear Doctor,

Why did you become a doctor if you are going to be a huge piss-ant? Why choose a profession where you help people if you are going to act like a huge jerk face?! I just wanted to get my moles checked! I make the appointment in advance (a whole month in advance!) AND I even got to your office 15 minutes early! I smiled and was friendly to your grump-a-lump of a nurse/receptionist. I said "please" and "thank you" and "I understand" when Grumpy-A-Lump nurse took 40 minutes to give me a simple prescription.

Were you able to show me the same politeness? Apparently not. Instead, you didn't give me eye contact nor did you care to explain the whys or hows of what you were doing or examining. It was like pulling teeth just to get you to share your doctor knowledge with me. It's my health here, lady. I'd like to have a clue!

And you're a freakin' dermatologist! What reason do you have to be cranky-pants?! I could give some leeway to a heart or brain surgeon - I mean, talk about stress. But you're just doing a routine check! Could I have just a smile?! A smirk? A nod?!

Survey says no.

Thank goodness I only have to see you once a year. That gives me enough time to find a new doctor.

Ever yours,
M

P.S. The only friendly doctors I have ever experienced: Dr. Jorge Pineda (my fertility doc) and his nurses are amazing. And Dr. Dale Stegman (thank goodness my whole family loves Mizzou. That was my "in"). All Endocronologists act like they work in the morgue. Talk about debbie downers!

P.P.S. I'm skin cancer free and have only one mole that I need to keep an eye on - on the top of my ear. Weird.