More Beautiful You

The Evil Inner Voice (EIV). We all have it. You know what I'm talking about. The EIV that speaks up when you are, for example, trying on jeans: Whoa. How's your muffin top treating you today? Looks like you could do a few more crunches and a few less candy bars.

Or when you are trying on swimsuits {shudder}: Hello, Thunder Thighs! Did Bill Cosby recruit you for a jello add because ... damn, girl.

I would dare say mine is the most evil. The most sinister. It senses my moods and knows exactly when to speak up. And then it haunts me through out my day slowly chipping away at my confidence. For those ladies that are able to give their Evil Inner Voice the middle finger and continue to skip along - I salute you. 

My EIV has been in full voice this past week. I'm in my BFF's wedding next week and I'm letting EIV beat me up about you name it: how I look in my BM dress, my shoes, my outfit for the rehearsal dinner, my arms, my tummy ... blah blah blah. Such silly, superficial worries. But I don't fight my EIV as much as I should. I just let it beat me down. And then I get frustrated because I'm letting myself get worked up over all this! (Remember the goal of "relaxing" in the realm of TTC?! Still working on that one ...).

So at work I had my Pandora on and this song came on More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz:

Now, granted - this song is probably aimed at the teenager set. But it was a strong reminder for me. I am who I am. I'm almost positive people don't cringe away when they see me. Husband thinks I'm something special. Why can't I see it too?

I was looking for a little girl book a few weeks ago. I wanted something fun and cute but all I read was books about which dress is prettier. Or a favorite dress not fitting anymore so another had to be found. Boy books are all fun about pirates and soccer and jungles or something. But girl books were chalk-full of stories strictly about appearance. Even the "dance" books had more to do with appearances then actual dancing!!

If God ever gives me a daughter, I don't want her to ever have to wage a war with her own EIV. She may get one anyway ... I did. Even though I had a wonderful mother who showed me what it was to be a graceful, gentle, loving woman (outside of appearances), a father that showed me affection and told me daily he loved me, and two brothers who always showed me love (as much as brothers can. :)) I would still look in the mirror and think: ugh.

I don't think it was Barbie; as some parents like to blame. I truly think it was (is) peers. I remember a boy made fun of me in 7th grade telling me I had big feet. And from then on, I looked at my feet as embarrassing rather than just my feet. Thankfully, I've now embraced my feet. I just know not to wear pointy toe shoes because whoa. Pointy toe and big feet DO NOT walk hand-in-hand. I'm just sayin' ...

I hope to teach my phantom daughters to love themselves as God made them. Each beautiful and unique. I hope to teach my phantom sons to appreciate ALL types of women. Just as Jonny Diaz sings in his song - we are all the most beautiful you!

So here's to all the women out there that can look in the mirror and belt out West Side Story's I Feel Pretty because we are all so damn pretty! :)

~M

Apparently I need to relax ...

As I typed my post title - I was humming "Relax" in my head (you know the song that triggered Zoolander to want to kill the President of Malaysia??) I seem to always relate my posts to songs.... :)

Husband and I met with our fertility doc today. No baby this past try. I was so sure that it was going to happen! We were on vacation - I was relaxed! (or so I thought ...) And I even had two eggs to work with! But no go. So after the tears (lots of tears this time around). We met with our doctor to see what our next steps could be.

Husband and I had made a pact that we'd try things three times and if that didn't work - move on to another option. So we've been dicussing insemination (aka IUI). But Husband is a bit hesitant because he'd like to conceive as naturally as possible (for our situation) and he had said to me: "I'd like to be the one to put the kid there" I so get where he is coming from. I do understand. I think it is a man-thing, too.

But.

I just want to get pregnant! I just want to have a baby! So if IUI gets me closer to that then I'm all for it. However, I do need Husband's help with that (ahem) so I do want us in complete agreement. IUI is a bit more time consuming and more scientific, if you will.

So we met with our doctor and after I gave my schpeel - he told me that I just needed to relax and destress; to which I almost started to cry. Do you know how hard it is for me to relax?!?! Very hard. It takes me ten thousand years to fall asleep b/c my mind is running a mile a minute. I used to ask Husband what he was thinking when he was quiet and he would tell me "nothing." And I just couldn't understand that! I don't think I've ever been silent and thought of nothing. Ever.

But I digress. The female reproductive system is very sensitive - to emotions and physcial stress. So here I am putting bagillion amounts of pressure on myself to get pregnant and I could be (unconsciously) sabatoging my conceiving efforts. So now I'm stressing about keeping myself from stressing out. A vicious cycle!

We'll have to make a decision if we'd like to do IUI - but in the meantime, I'm going ahead with my clomid and follistim shot (helps the eggs mature). They are going to monitor my eggs earlier in my cycle to see if I can have more than one mature egg (the goal is three mature eggs). So Husband and I have a bit of time to decide if we want to try IUI. We'll just have to see.

In the meantime, I need to relax. Take deep breathes. Not stress over silly things like how I'm feeling a little chunky in the middle. Or how I'm getting paid jack in my job (I really do love my job - but it has come ever more apparent how little a few of us are getting paid), or maybe not work until 6 p.m. every night and come home exhausted which results in me not having any energy to work out which circles itself back around to the chubby middle section I'm sporting! (Yay muffin top! No, not really ....)

See?! I even write like I'm stressed out! Yeesh!

Goal for the month of September: DE-STRESS. It is what it is, folks. I will continue to pray to stay faithful - to not try to control my fate or circumstances. I am going to pray that God will help me ease my anxiety. I am uber over-anxious. I will leave my work at work and I will leave work at a decent hour.

And we'll just have to see how I do...

~M

You gotta have faith, a-faith, a-faith-ah!

Thanks, George Michael.

I know I previously wrote about faith here but when something is weighing on my heart like it has this past week - I wanted to share more about it.

I am majorly struggling with my faithfulness. I have been doubting God and myself which just leads to a miserable downward spiral. I recently received my high school newsletter. In the alumni section, a girl who graduated in my class shared that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer last year. I was floored! My first thought was "She's so young!" and then I wondered how she was possibly dealing with all this - three young children (one just a newborn!) and now breast cancer. She gave her blog address and I decided to look it up. (You can read about her journey here).

One word: inspirational.  All I can say is wow. While Erin and I were never really friends in high school, she was always a nice person. And after reading a few of her entries, I have such admiration for her. Her faith is amazing. Absolutely amazing. Here's little ole me boo-hooing about infertility and here is a woman with a young family and a LIFE THREATENING disease. While I'm whining to God, Erin and her husband are praising God and being thankful. Being faithful.

I started to feel two feet tall. I had the cliche Christian response (in my opinion). Whining and feeling anger towards God. Erin, on the other hand, immediately rejoiced in God and leaned on Him and his Word. What have I done? Stopped going to church. Haven't picked up my journal or my bible in a LONG time. Oh, I pray but those prayers are more along the begging side of things (please oh please oh please oh please let me be pregnant). How annoying are those "prayers"?!

Annoying.

Lately, I'd like to think that I've had a Faith Awakening. First the poster. My prayers did start to change a bit. Oh, I still beg, people. Old habits die hard. But I've started to talk with Him in a bit of a different manner. In a way, I've stopped doubting God and have turned all that doubt and anger on myself. Not a good switch and I'm still working through it ...

But ...

I have such a desire to be truly faithful. I had a good conversation with my mom (aka bestest person in the whole world) this morning. And in telling her about my struggle with faithfulness - she said that it sounded as if I had finally reached the point of truly handing it ALL over to God. And I think I have. I've been trying to control my fate, my circumstances. For quite a while I've been looking at my infertility journey with me and my doctor as a team rather than God and me.

So - to God be the glory. May He take hold of my journey and my thoughts and my feelings. He knows my heart and I take comfort in that. So instead I pray for courage and perseverence. I pray that He will bless Husband and me with a child and that I will be able to conceive. Until then, I will remain faithful.

I think God has been working on my heart since my poster sighting but it was Erin's blog that really showed me how weak my faith was (is). If I'm not pregnant, of course I will be sad. And of course, I'm going to cry. BUT I hope (and pray) that my attitude with be different. That I will continue to have faith that somehow God will bless Husband and me. In His own way. In His own time.

~M

Home Sweet Home

We are home from a fantastic trip! It was so good to get away with Husband and really, we couldn't have asked for better weather. San Fran is silly in the weather department and I could not have packed a more worse, unprepared suitcase ... BUT we still had a lot of fun. So blessed to have been able to get away with Husband. Sure do love him ...

We went to wineries!

We hiked the redwoods!

We drove up the coast!

And we even went to Alcatraz!

All in all - a damn good time. I like to travel with Husband. We always have a good system going on. And he is just so much fun to hang out with. :)

But .. it's good to be home. 

~M

P.S. Here's me after we had stopped at two wineries - I was feeling just a tad tipsy by then. :) ANNDDD I read an ah-mazing book on vacay that I will share later.