Apparently I need to relax ...

As I typed my post title - I was humming "Relax" in my head (you know the song that triggered Zoolander to want to kill the President of Malaysia??) I seem to always relate my posts to songs.... :)

Husband and I met with our fertility doc today. No baby this past try. I was so sure that it was going to happen! We were on vacation - I was relaxed! (or so I thought ...) And I even had two eggs to work with! But no go. So after the tears (lots of tears this time around). We met with our doctor to see what our next steps could be.

Husband and I had made a pact that we'd try things three times and if that didn't work - move on to another option. So we've been dicussing insemination (aka IUI). But Husband is a bit hesitant because he'd like to conceive as naturally as possible (for our situation) and he had said to me: "I'd like to be the one to put the kid there" I so get where he is coming from. I do understand. I think it is a man-thing, too.

But.

I just want to get pregnant! I just want to have a baby! So if IUI gets me closer to that then I'm all for it. However, I do need Husband's help with that (ahem) so I do want us in complete agreement. IUI is a bit more time consuming and more scientific, if you will.

So we met with our doctor and after I gave my schpeel - he told me that I just needed to relax and destress; to which I almost started to cry. Do you know how hard it is for me to relax?!?! Very hard. It takes me ten thousand years to fall asleep b/c my mind is running a mile a minute. I used to ask Husband what he was thinking when he was quiet and he would tell me "nothing." And I just couldn't understand that! I don't think I've ever been silent and thought of nothing. Ever.

But I digress. The female reproductive system is very sensitive - to emotions and physcial stress. So here I am putting bagillion amounts of pressure on myself to get pregnant and I could be (unconsciously) sabatoging my conceiving efforts. So now I'm stressing about keeping myself from stressing out. A vicious cycle!

We'll have to make a decision if we'd like to do IUI - but in the meantime, I'm going ahead with my clomid and follistim shot (helps the eggs mature). They are going to monitor my eggs earlier in my cycle to see if I can have more than one mature egg (the goal is three mature eggs). So Husband and I have a bit of time to decide if we want to try IUI. We'll just have to see.

In the meantime, I need to relax. Take deep breathes. Not stress over silly things like how I'm feeling a little chunky in the middle. Or how I'm getting paid jack in my job (I really do love my job - but it has come ever more apparent how little a few of us are getting paid), or maybe not work until 6 p.m. every night and come home exhausted which results in me not having any energy to work out which circles itself back around to the chubby middle section I'm sporting! (Yay muffin top! No, not really ....)

See?! I even write like I'm stressed out! Yeesh!

Goal for the month of September: DE-STRESS. It is what it is, folks. I will continue to pray to stay faithful - to not try to control my fate or circumstances. I am going to pray that God will help me ease my anxiety. I am uber over-anxious. I will leave my work at work and I will leave work at a decent hour.

And we'll just have to see how I do...

~M