You gotta have faith, a-faith, a-faith-ah!

Thanks, George Michael.

I know I previously wrote about faith here but when something is weighing on my heart like it has this past week - I wanted to share more about it.

I am majorly struggling with my faithfulness. I have been doubting God and myself which just leads to a miserable downward spiral. I recently received my high school newsletter. In the alumni section, a girl who graduated in my class shared that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer last year. I was floored! My first thought was "She's so young!" and then I wondered how she was possibly dealing with all this - three young children (one just a newborn!) and now breast cancer. She gave her blog address and I decided to look it up. (You can read about her journey here).

One word: inspirational.  All I can say is wow. While Erin and I were never really friends in high school, she was always a nice person. And after reading a few of her entries, I have such admiration for her. Her faith is amazing. Absolutely amazing. Here's little ole me boo-hooing about infertility and here is a woman with a young family and a LIFE THREATENING disease. While I'm whining to God, Erin and her husband are praising God and being thankful. Being faithful.

I started to feel two feet tall. I had the cliche Christian response (in my opinion). Whining and feeling anger towards God. Erin, on the other hand, immediately rejoiced in God and leaned on Him and his Word. What have I done? Stopped going to church. Haven't picked up my journal or my bible in a LONG time. Oh, I pray but those prayers are more along the begging side of things (please oh please oh please oh please let me be pregnant). How annoying are those "prayers"?!

Annoying.

Lately, I'd like to think that I've had a Faith Awakening. First the poster. My prayers did start to change a bit. Oh, I still beg, people. Old habits die hard. But I've started to talk with Him in a bit of a different manner. In a way, I've stopped doubting God and have turned all that doubt and anger on myself. Not a good switch and I'm still working through it ...

But ...

I have such a desire to be truly faithful. I had a good conversation with my mom (aka bestest person in the whole world) this morning. And in telling her about my struggle with faithfulness - she said that it sounded as if I had finally reached the point of truly handing it ALL over to God. And I think I have. I've been trying to control my fate, my circumstances. For quite a while I've been looking at my infertility journey with me and my doctor as a team rather than God and me.

So - to God be the glory. May He take hold of my journey and my thoughts and my feelings. He knows my heart and I take comfort in that. So instead I pray for courage and perseverence. I pray that He will bless Husband and me with a child and that I will be able to conceive. Until then, I will remain faithful.

I think God has been working on my heart since my poster sighting but it was Erin's blog that really showed me how weak my faith was (is). If I'm not pregnant, of course I will be sad. And of course, I'm going to cry. BUT I hope (and pray) that my attitude with be different. That I will continue to have faith that somehow God will bless Husband and me. In His own way. In His own time.

~M