Robin takes on Batman ...

I've officially entered in to my 32 week of pregnancy which means weekly perinatal (high risk) doctor appointments for monitoring. I walked in with not a care in the world! I mean, I've had such a great pregnancy this is just old hat, right? Wellll .... sorta.

Turns out that Batman and Robin are about 19% different in weight. Batman is currently 3lbs 8oz and Robin is 4lbs 5oz. Nothing super major - but enough that my doctor is concerned. Batman should be bigger and more in line with his brother. So to keep an eye on that difference I'm now getting monitored two times a week with the perinatal doctor. And at any point in time - they could tell me to hustle over to the hospital and deliver if they don't like what they are seeing with the boys.

Oh Goodness.

And let me tell you about "monitoring." It's not a horrible experience by any means! But I felt nervous all the same. Each baby gets their own fetal monitor and they look for certain things over a 30 to 40 minute period. How do the babies react during a contraction? How steady are their heartbeats? Are they along the same lines in heartbeats, etc. I found myself constantly asking "what does that mean?" or "is that good?" or "is that supposed to happen?" The nurse was super patient and explained every little thing to me. It was just weird to have the goop they spread over my tummy as she pushed and prodded trying to see how the boys were laying. And of course, they were MMA fighting so it was hard to locate their heartbeats right away and I got more goop spread over my belly (it stinks once it dries. Ew.) I always breath a sigh of relief when I hear their hearts beating - but this was just nerve wracking! And I get to do it twice a week!

I think I have been living in a nice ignorant bubble thinking I could make it 38 weeks to my picked out date of January 14th (for my c-section). Oh silly Mara. My perinatal doc told me I need to make it to at least December 28th where I will be 36 weeks and the boys won't have to stay in NICU. My OB thinks I can make it to January 4th - but no later. I'm crossing my fingers for January 4th. Just for the simple fact that I want more time to prepare - for what? I'm not sure. I think I'm ready as I'll ever be - I just want more time! I still need to order blinds for their room! I haven't found frames for the art work! I still haven't found a pediatrician, for goodness sake!

Slight anxiety. That's all.

So now I'm on my knees praying that I will make it to January 4th. That my boys will be safe and healthy. They aren't an alarmingly small size - but Batman needs to do some major catch-up and it might be better for him to gain the weight in the outside world rather than in my tummy. And those boys are definitely squished in my tummy... When they kick or punch or head bang - they like to do it in opposite directions. I can only imagine some faces I've made while trying to play it cool in meetings. It always surprises me when they go full force!

I will now start my mantra of January 4th and I'll be sure to tell the boys every night before I go to sleep that I don't want to see them until then! It's their first test to see if they will obey Mommy. Here's to hoping ...

~M

Pregnancy Skincare Routine

I've been blessed in many areas during this pregnancy. Yes, my hips keep me up at night and thus I'm walking around with under-eye bags that scare little children away. Yes, the Restless Leg Syndrome in my right calf has gotten to the point I dance around the bedroom until Husband is able to massage it. However, those things are outweighed by the many, many positives. I haven't been too sick (knock on wood). I've maintained a steady but healthy weight gain. I feel large - but at almost eight months I'm not LARGE, if you know what I'm sayin'. And finally - my face has stayed relatively clear.

If you know me - I'm a maniac about my face care. I NEVER EVER go to sleep with make-up on. I won't even take a nap on my pillow with make-up on! I started tackling winkles and using anti-aging stuff at 25. I'm always willing to try new skincare and love to research! I think this is all influenced by my mother - she is 64 and you would think she is 45. Her skin is amazing! Some of it might be genes but I do credit her healthy eating and smart skin care.

SO! I thought I would share my pregnancy skincare routine with you! I did switch things up a bit once I got pregnant because my skin did change. I still have incredibly oily skin (always have ...) but once I got pregnant, it took a more combo route. Don't get me wrong - I still get oily just not as hardcore as before babies-in-belly.

First things first: I have expensive taste. The products I use are not cheap. I admit it. Oh, but they work so well! I have a monthly "face care" budget so I work on getting a few products at a time and try to plan ahead. I'm certainly not able to buy everything all at once. But in the long run - it's so worth it!

The majority of the products I use are from Kahina (http://kahina-givingbeauty.com/). Not only are their products safe from all the acids and chemicals you need to avoid during pregnancy, they also help women in third world countries. How cool is that?!

MORNING ROUTINE
1. Wash face
     Four to five pumps and apply in a circular motion all over my face and my neck (don't ever forget about your neck!! It can get damaged and wrinkle just like your face!). THEN I use the holy grail of all face tools: The Clarisonic. With so many brushes to choose from (I use the deep pore cleansing brush) - this gentle exfoiliator is just what the doctor ordered. Love. It. And completely worth it's weight in gold!

2. Toner
     For this - I go cheap: Apple Cider Vinegar. A few drops on a cotton ball and apply to face. I can't begin to tell you all of the wonderful things that Apple Cider Vinegar can do for you! Your hair, your skin, your digestive system (if you drink it).... It's great! Yes, it has a strong smell - but I'm used to it and it doesn't bother me.

3. Argan Oil
     While my face is still damp from my ACV, I apply Kahina's Argan Oil. This. Stuff. Is. Amazing. I kid you not. Josie Maran also has Argan Oil but I've found that Kahina's works better with my skin. Josie's is a bit too moisturizing for my oily/combo face.

3.1 Argan Oil the belly!
     Side note here - I then use Josie Maran's Argan Oil and rub it over my belly, boobs, and love handles. I don't use Kahina for this because it is so expensive and Josie's is just fine for my belly. Some say that the argan oil can combat stretch marks, etc. I'm sure this isn't very true because stretch marks come down to genetics BUT so far, I have no stretch marks. What's the harm in trying, eh? Plus, I have a well moisturized belly. :)

4. Moisturize with SPF
     Paula's Choice Skin Balancing Mattifying Lotion with SPF 15 is my go-to. It has solid ingredients, protects my face (AND neck!) from the sun, and doesn't make me break out or get super oily. It's all about protection from the sun!

5. Primer
     After I brush my teeth to let the lotion set - I apply a pump of Bare Escentuals Oil-Free Primer. I've tried a lot of primers - and this one works the best for me! I still get a bit oily - but nothing that a quick blot won't take of later in the day ...

6. Moisturize Body
     I like to give the primer time to set so I head to the rest of my body. Technically this isn't the proper thing to do as you really should apply lotion to your body right out of the shower in order to retain moisture. But I focus on my face first while my hands are their cleanest. To each their own ... I don't use anything fancy-pants. St. Ives Shea Butter (from Target) has worked wonderful for me! Nice scent and it truly keeps my skin moisturized!

7. Apply make-up
     After a solid hand washing, I apply my make-up. Bare Escentuals' new concealer is WONDERFUL. Adore it. It hides the dark circles and makes me look all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Plus I can spot conceal on major breakouts, if any.

     I always used Bare Escentuals as my foundation - but as my pregnany progressed, my skin was looking more and more cakey when using it. So I switched to Givenchy Fluid Foundation Airy-Light Mat Radiance SPF 20 (long name, eh?). This sucker is expensive! BUT I tried samples for a long time... I would go into a different Sephora store and just ask for a sample in the shade I knew worked. Then I'd use that for awhile. They are pretty generous with samples! Once I felt like I could make the investment, I did. So worth it.
     I put a small amount on my fingers (maybe a dime ...) and then just spread it on with my fingers. . I like full-coverage and this does the trick!

   
 My setting powder is Make-Up Forever's HD powder. It really is wonderful! I bought the travel size from Sephora about four months ago and I'm still using it. A little bit goes a long way!

     Blush - color depending on my mood. I love NARS and MAC blushes. Bare Escentuals is getting better ... Next up: chapstick. THEN I head to take care of my hair. Mascara is the very last thing I apply before heading out the door, strangly enough ... I don't know why really ...


NIGHT ROUTINE
Following steps 1 thru 3 in the morning routine (including "arganing" the belly!) Step 4 for night is a bit different. Also note - I do a clarifying mask after washing my face two times a week. Kahina's is fantastic but so is Paula's Choice Carbon Mask. I let it sit about ten minutes and then use the Clarisonic when rinsing it off. Skin feels just lovely.

4. Spot treat (if needed)
       If I have a HUGE breakout then I put just a teensy-tiny amount of Paula's Choice Benzoyl Peroxide on it. PLEASE, PLEASE check with your doctor before using anything like this. My doc gave me the okay - and I only use a small percentage IF I even spot treat. I do not do this every night - only if I have a huge pimple that just needs to go away. The little stuff I can handle.

5. Eye Serum
     Part of my wrinkle defense! I apply Kahina's eye serum around my eyes and let it soak in for a minute or two.

6. Lotion
     For nighttime, I go a bit heavier in the face lotion. Kahina's face lotion is too moisturizing for me to use during the day - but is simple wonderful for me to use at night.

Another tip to combat pimples: after you have completed your face routine, apply a small dab of cortosine cream to your zit or pimple. Let it dry and then head to bed. This cuts down on inflammation and redness. When I wake up in the morning, I have a blemish I can easily conceal or no blemish at all! But I do this at the very end of my routine to leave it on overnight.

And Voila! My routine. :)

~M
     

My "won't do's"

I recently read a blog where the mother wrote how her list of "won't do's" went out the window the minute she brought her son home. Husband and I have our own list of won't do's ... some I think are pipe dreams (i.e. Husband's rule of no eating in the car ...) and some might be possible.

So until Batman and Robin arrive, here is my list of what I will TRY (key word here, people: TRY) to do and not do:

1. No co-sleeping.
     I might be able to actually follow this one since I have two on the way! Makes it a bit more complicated with two, yes? Now, I'm all for napping in bed. If the kids wake up at an ungodly hour and I might be able to squeeze a few more minutes of sleep - then I'll pile them in bed with me. But none of this sleep with Mummy and Daddy thing until they are six. That's just ... weird, IMO. Plus, I truly want our bedroom to be just about Husband and me. That's our safe place. And knowing myself - I probably wouldn't sleep if both kids were in the bed because I'd be worrying too much (I'm quite the worrier ...)

2. Breast Feed for as long as I can (at least eight months!)
     I'm trying to be realistic with this one. I'd like to breast feed for as long as I can but I know things can come up and change this wish. My milk could dry up or I'm not making enough (twin boys after all...). I'm not too sure how things will go once I return to work ... I'm trying to keep an open mind and take it as it comes.

3. Have a set schedule.
     Everything I've read about raising twins is schedule, schedule, schedule (and routine!). If we keep a regular schedule/routine - then life with twins would be (could be?) easier. Husband and I are pretty simple people but we are used to doing our own thing. I think this might be harder for us to adjust to with kids ... shedding that self-centered nature.

4. Make my own baby food.
     This just might happen as I have Husband totally on board. He thinks its a great idea and I would truly like to be able to do this. My luck the kids will only like sweet potatoes and fried chicken. Husband and I were quite the picky eaters growing up so I'm preparing to face that same battle.

5. Work Out
     I'm not a die hard gym rat but Husband is quite disciplined in heading to our basement to run on the treadmill or lift some weights. You would think he would be a good influence on me now - but I usually just wave at him from the couch as he heads down the stairs. We're lucky enough to have a mini-gym in the basement so in an ideal world, I'd put the kids in their pumpkin seats and walk on the treadmill or do some free weights. Of course, I might be so tired I can't even see straight let alone go walk on a treadmill. Crossing my fingers on this one.

6. Not rely on TV too much
    Since I know myself, I will not be saying "no TV" altogether because that ain't going to happen. It just won't. I've got two at once and I think the TV might just save my sanity here and there. BUT I do hope to not rely on it too much. I want to use it for those dire times when I just can't take it anymore or I need just five minutes of Mommy time.

7. Husband first.
     My father always said he's a husband first, father second, and son third. I would like to follow that, too. I don't want to put our children ahead of our marriage. I'm a wife FIRST and then a mother. I don't want to make our lives all about the kids. I still want Husband-Wife time - even if that is just holding hands as we snore in bed. I'm going to love the daylights out of Batman and Robin, but I also desire to be a good wife. In the long run - that will make me a better parent, I'd like to think.

8. Not be a sports parent
     Granted this won't happen for a bit - but I sure don't want to be a Sports Parent. You know who I'm talking about... The parents that yell like maniacs at soccer games or push their kids to do something they don't want to do. Husband and I are very athletic and if our kids want to play sports ROCK ON. But if they want to play in the band or join the chess team or the bowling team - then I'm all for that too! I just want to be able to keep my mouth shut either way. I had to stop going to watch Husband play soccer because I started to turn into Brenda Warner - yelling at the team and being a bit over zealous in my cheering. Just embarrassing for the both of us! (I've gotten MUCH MUCH better! Plus Husband changed teams to one that actually plays well - so that helped).

9. Will not post ten thousand pictures and status updates all about the kids.
     How annoying are those people?! Soooo annoying. Do I want to read on Facebook that your kid had a blowout? Of course not! Do I need to see every facial expression little Timmy makes? No. But please post those pictures that are just too dang cute to pass up or do a once a month. Basically, limit yourself! I've done pretty well this pregnancy on my FB posting. I only throw something up there if I think it will make people laugh or I got a request for a belly shot. I'm not a weekly poster by all means. I know that when Batman and Robin officially come into our lives - I will think they are the cutest things ever and will assume everyone else thinks so too. However, I will not post to blue heaven about how cute they are. I don't want to be that parent. Don't get me wrong - I'm going to take lots of pictures! (You should see how many I have of the dog on my phone ...) I'm just not going to overshare... That's the goal, at least.

10. Will not give our dog away.
    You hear this so much and I totally understand why a family would do this. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. It is my hope since Holly-Dog is our first baby and is a mature 8 years old - she will adjust okay to life with two infants. She's chill. But she loves Husband to the ends of the earth and back so I'm holding my breath that his lack of attention to her for those first few months after the guys arrive, she won't regress to destructive puppy. I mean  ... look at this face. How can you possibly not love on her?!?!

Funny story: she was laying near my stomach and one of the babies gave a swift kick right to her head! She popped up and looked at me like "What the hell?!" and then decided to sit away from me. I laughed all day.

So there's my list. I'm going to think I'll be a rockstar. I'm pretty sure I might throw my hands up in frustration or just give up all together on some. BUT I will try, try, try.

~M

Ode to Buy Buy Baby

Dear Buy Buy Baby,

I love you. I really do. I think you are the greatest store EVER and I will never, ever, ever step foot in a Babies R Us again. Never.

You helped two people so overwhelmed with what we need to buy for twins that we ended up having a good time registering! We even made a friend - Hi, Harrison! - who was so helpful and remembered us when we returned a few days later. We love Harrison.

Every employee was so friendly. There were no sourpusses in the bunch. Your products and prices are wonderful and the store was so clean! We found everything we were looking for and then some. I think you are amazing, Buy Buy Baby. And I'm so glad you are in St. Louis!

Love Your #1 Fan.



Seriously, people. Do you have a Buy Buy Baby near you?! That store saved our lives. It really did. When we were done registering, a weight was lifted because we felt confident we were making wise decisions and had a solid registery. Our wedding registry was ridiculous and I can't remember what we were thinking back then - we registered for the silliest things!! (Oh, those were the days ...) BUT with Buy Buy Baby's help - we were able to tackle a task that we felt was so daunting!

I had researched and made a list - so I thought I was prepared until we walked in the store and saw everything that lay ahead of us. I remember Husband just standing in the doorway with a slack jawed look on his face. He turned to me and was like "I think we should leave ..." BUT we stuck it out and met Harrison, the nicest, most helpful retail person I have ever met. He answered all of our ridiculous questions, helped explain the difference between pacifiers (have you SEEN how many pacifiers there are out there?!?!?), and worked with us with our furniture. We love him.

All in all, I'm so glad it's done. It was one of those tasks that we would have continued to put off if my showers weren't so fast approaching. Now if only I could find attractive, non-frumpy maternity dresses to wear for said showers - life would be great! *sigh*

~M

We're having ...

BOYS!!

We snuck in at 16 weeks for the big reveal. Batman made it pretty clear that he is all boy. While poor Robin was smooshed to the side and did not want to uncross his legs - so the technician did her best and told us boys. We decided to wait for the 20 week check up for the final verdict and there were our two beautiful boys. Love it. They have long arms (like their daddy) and are measuring right on target. Thankfully, I'm feeling really good! Sleeping is still a challenge but you do what you gotta do. I've only gained 10 pounds so far - I'm anticipating my third trimester to add a lot of poundage! :) It's my goal to make it to 37 weeks (the first week of January). I'm hoping if I keep walking and eating right (I've had a few sugary setbacks ... okay well, quite a few sugar setbacks ...) that I can avoid the major hiccups I might encounter during Week 28 thru 32; which is when complications can arise for pregnant woman with twins. But my doctor is optimisitic. So I will be too!

In other news - we had a WONDERFUL time in Colorado. The weather was chilly; which after the suffering we've been doing in STL; was a wonderful change. We sat on our balconey a lot, looked at the mountain and breathed the fresh air. We did go up the mountain one day - between my belly and Husband's booted foot (broken big toe) we didn't do a lot of hiking. BUT we did do quite a bit of walking around the trails at the bottom of the mountain. Husband was a big trooper and is a pro at walking with that boot! We talked about everything. Our children. Names. Our fears. The joys. We marveled at my growing belly ... All in all - a fantastic and wonderful babymoon. I'm lucky to have Husband. And my boys! Plus we got to swing by my brother's in Denver on our way home. I hadn't seen him in over 7 months - so it was wonderful to be able to sit and catch up for a couple of hours. I'm blessed with a wonderful family that looks out for one another. :)

At 21 weeks - the boys are kicking and moving around like crazy. It makes me giggle and grin like a fool. Not the best face to have on when you're in meetings - but I can't help it! It's just crazy to think that these two guys are moving and shaking in my belly. They've woken me up a few times at night - I'm convinced they are having their own MMA fight or something in there! I still rub my belly an awful lot; which in turn encourages others to also rub my belly. Take note ladies! If you rub your belly in public others will think it's fair game for them! Kinda awkward. Not gonna lie.

20 weeks self shot - in the morning and with no make-up on. Lovely.

This past weekend we registered - and it was stressful and fun all at the same time! Stay tuned!

~M

What not to say ...

People say the darndest things, eh? I so enjoy (sometimes) when people feel they can say anything they want to you without thinking what is really coming out of their mouth. I had a what not to say to a woman struggling with infertility and now I have a list of what not to say to a pregnant woman. I have to hold myself back from repeatedly kicking people in their shins with all their ridiculousness. Doesn't anyone think before they speak anymore?!

1. You're going to be HUGE!
This from everyone and their brother when I tell them I'm pregnant with twins. Thank you, Captain Obvious. I am already aware that I may get somewhat larger than the average bear. However, when I already have lost sight of my waist and I feel as if my boobs and belly have overtaken me - I appreciate you building up my confidence by telling me I will be huge. Can't we just stick with "cute"?

2. You're boobs are gigantic!
Yes, I have had people say this to me. Mostly older woman. A few guys here and there give me a wide eye look ... Yes, I know. They are large. I'm very much trying not to put them on display but maternity clothes can be ugly and I'm still trying to be somewhat fashionable while I can before I just give up and resort to sweats. I'm not gonna lie - I miss my "old" boobs. They fit me just fine. I don't know how Jessica Simpson handles these things on a daily basis!

3. Get some sleep now! You're not going to get it for the rest of your life!
Really? Really? If only you knew, Clueless One, that I'm already NOT sleeping. Sleep?! I don't even know what that is anymore. I just know the sun goes down and I'm supposed to lay in my bed and shift around all night while my hip subtly tortures me. But thank goodness for your sound advice on getting some sleep! I never thought of that!

4. I know someone who had a horrible experience while they were pregnant and I want to tell you all about it!
What is wrong with people?! I've had two women - TWO - tell me that they also were carrying twins and miscarried one at four months/five months ... Why in heaven's name would you tell me that?! Why would you regale me with your horrendous birth stories or tell me wayyyyyyy more about your vagina than I ever wanted to know?! Is it really that hard to say: Congratulations! What wonderful news. And then end it there?! Why, yes, I guess it is.

5. You need this stroller/this daycare/this doctor/this hospital. You're going where?! That's horrible. You should do this ...
Shut. Up. Please just shut it. I am squirming in my seat in order to not kick you in the shins. Did I ask for your opinion? Nope. If I asked - by all means, please do tell. But I sure don't recall asking. AND if I answer your silly question and you disagree, keep it to yourself. I've been researching strollers/hospitals/daycares, etc and I know what I want. So stuff it. Just nod your head and tell me that all sounds lovely. See? Easy-peasy.

6. Did you try for twins on purpose?
Say wha-? Did we try for twins on purpose?! Now, how in the world of biology would I actively be able to try for twins?! Did you just hear what came out of your mouth?! The first time someone asked me this (yes, there has been more than one) I actually stared at them for a full 10 seconds before I got my wits about me to answer. I was so taken aback that someone would think (and this a grown woman with children of her own) that you could actually try for twins. It still boggles my mind how some people's brain works ...

7. You must have spent a fortune on IVF.
*sigh* From the start I have been completely open with my infertility journey. I have always strongly felt that women are not fully educated in fertility and the more I talk about it - the more people learn. I was lucky to be able to get pregnant using IUI. However, couples that get to the IVF stage - it can be very sensitive. Yes, it's expensive but you don't know their journey in getting there! You don't know what that woman has been through so to ask something so callous and insensitive, just gets my goat. Not to mention it is completely none of your business what I spent on my infertility or how I came about getting pregnant! It's like asking what my husband's salary is or how much I paid for my house. eesh.

8. Ooooh! I'm going to rub my hands all over your belly!
No, no you are not. If you are my close friend, favorite aunt, my mother, or my husband - you are allowed to rub my belly anytime you want. If you are a complete stranger, a family member I hardly ever see, a co-worker, a complete moron - you cannot rub my belly. Ever. I get it - you see a pregnant belly and it's just instinct to want to reach out and touch. My advice: ask first if you are just dying to rub the belly. If the mother says "No, thank you" (like my cousin did fabulously to an over-zealous aunt) then step back and say okay. It's awkward enough to have to say no but I do appreciate the choice TO say no. Here's a better idea: just don't rub pregnant women's bellies.


I'm sure as time goes on I'll be adding to this list! Thankfully, I can laugh at it. It's fun to come home and tell Husband the silly things that happened to me with people or what has been said. We get a real kick out of it!

Tomorrow we are sneaking in an ultrasound to see if we can find out Batman and Robin's genders. I'm 16 1/2 weeks along so it is a tad bit early (my 20 week appointment isn't until September 11th. Too far away!!!). I'd just like to know so that we can get registering and nursery decorating ... my goal is to have everything done for the babies by Thanksgiving. You never know when they might decide to show up! I found out this weekend that when my grandmother was pregnant with her twins (my aunt and uncle) they were due on my due date (January 25th) but they came December 7th. Gulp.

As I'm Matron of Honor in my cousin's wedding on December 8th - I tell Batman and Robin on a daily basis that they can appear anytime AFTER December 8th. They just need to let Mommy be at the wedding and do her wedding duties. I'll be 33 weeks ... My goal (and prayer) is that I make it to 37 weeks with no bed rest! Keep your fingers crossed!!

~M

Being an "FI"

My adorable mother has so enjoyed buying me pregnancy magazines. Some are meh - but one I really do enjoy: Fit Pregnancy. There is a lot of good stuff in there! An article in particular really hit a chord with me: Formerly Infertile. The author, Leslie Goldman, named us girls who have struggled with infertility and now are pregnant "Former Infertiles" (or FI's). She also talked about how an FI pregnancy is a different roller coaster all together compared to those women who had no struggle getting pregnant.

I found myself nodding my head in agreement at almost everything she wrote. Leslie states that FI's can struggle with so many more emotions than the average pregnant woman: guilt, an identity crisis, high anxiety, nerves ...

There's the guilt among our infertile sisters for becoming pregnant. There's also the guilt in complaining about the pregnancy. It's like you've waited so long and NOW you're sitting here complaining?! I find myself in the latter boat...I catch myself whining to Husband - my head is pounding! I haven't slept since June 7th (I'm not kidding. I really haven't slept since that day. It was a wonderful sleep). My left hip is KILLING me (due to all the weight I've suddenly developed in front. Thanks, boobs and belly). And so on.

And then I catch myself. This pregnancy is what I've wanted for three years! It's what I've cried over and journaled and daydreamed. But, yet, I'm complaining about my hip? I feel as an FI - I should just be so thankful for every hardship ... Leslie, however, says it is okay for us to complain! Pregnancy is HARD and definitely not pain free (hello, twins here). We, even as an FI, have the right to vent a bit. BUT seek support with the right ears.

Leslie also discussed the emotions of nervousness and high anxiety. Hello, me. I SO have this. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. There are times I'm convinced that something will go wrong; that something is bound to happen to my babies thus I just sit and worry endlessly. Or if I'm NOT sick one day - I get afraid that something is wrong with the babies. I should be sick! I've been sick every day for the past 13 weeks! I'm a wreck until I get to the doctor and see the babies on the ultrasound machine. I've been driving my husband crazy with all my worrying, googling, researching, stressing. I want to enjoy this pregnancy - but for three years I've had nothing but diappointment. It's hard to make the switch that my babies might just be okay! 

Now at almost 16 weeks, I'm a bit more calm. I have a nice beer gut going on and I feel as if I'm out of the danger zone. Not to mention when my high risk doctor told me that the babies looked wonderful and I am showing no signs of miscarriage - that sure did help.

Then there's also the identity crisis. For years, I've been an infertile woman dodging the when are you going to have kids?! questions and trying to keep my despair from showing through. Suddenly (but not really suddenly) I'm going to be a mother ... of twins! To shift gears and look at myself in the mirror as a mother is something that I still find surreal. To actually become a mother when I've been through a lot of heartache - is ... frightening. Exhilarating! Scary. Joyful! It's just an amazing roller coaster....

I was so thankful to have stumbled upon this article. Leslie helped me take a deep breath and remember that I'm okay. I'm normal! And that in itself is comforting!!

~M

Seeing Double

I know I've been super MIA lately and have left everyone hanging (all one of you?) - so for that I apologize. I just wanted to be super, super sure before I announced to the blog-o-sphere.

We. Are. Pregnant.

And it's amazing and scary and wonderful and crazy and surreal ... because we are having twins. Yes, you read that right the first time. Ta-win-s. And every time I rub my (already large - at least to me!) belly, I just laugh in delight. I have two babies in there! Two! We totally got a Payless BOGO (buy one, get one)! We knew there would be a risk of multiples when we dived in with four eggs at the beginning of May - but I (naively?) believed we wouldn't have twins.

Color me surprised!

I was feeling pretty sick at six weeks in addition to having the mother of all sinus infections; which is never pleasant when you can't take the proper meds. Husband and I headed into the ultrasound with lots of prayers and since I was feeling nauseous, we took that as a hopeful sign. We get in the room and I'm saying a last prayer for God to prepare me for what we may find (remember it didn't go so well last time) when before I could look at the screen, the technician exclaims: "Oh! There's two sacs!"

Husband's hand immediately went limp in mine.

I, on the other hand, proceed to laugh. And laugh. And laugh. Then cry (joyfully). And there, on the screen, were our babies with their heartbeats flashing fast and strong. I was just so overcome with such joy and thankfulness.

Husband was a bit stunned. My darling, kind husband is not one for spontenaity. I joke that if you put us next to a pool, I would cannon ball in while he would stand on the steps and take them one at a time. That's why we balance each other so well, I like to think. I'm impulsive; Husband is thoughtful and takes time to weigh his options. Our twins didn't give him much of a chance to ease into the pool - he had to cannon ball in with me!

When we got to the car, I called my parents where I laughed and cried with them over a healthy pregnancy and twins. (TWINS!) I called my brothers where they also laughed. Husband I decided to wait to tell his parents as my MIL would worry big time - so we thought to save her the two weeks of misery and tell them after the 8 week ultrasound to just make sure everything was continuing in the right direction.
It was (is). So when we told my in-laws, my adorable mother-in-law jumped up and down screaming and then screamed louder when she realized it was twins. It's just been the happiest time and the HARDEST thing to keep my trap shut. I want to tell everyone and their mother's brother's uncle that I'm pregnant and with twins!
I've become a researching fool. Our idea of getting a mid-sized SUV has now turned to minivan search (it's just more practical). I've been researching twin strollers, how to register for twins, what to expect when you are expecting twins ... you name it. Me and the Internet are super buds.

I am considered high risk, tho. This is technically my fourth pregnancy since I've miscarried three previous times. I'll be with my OB - but I'm also meeting with the perinatal group to stay on top of my high riskness.

We are over-the-moon happy. And, yes, scared. I'm not so scared about carrying twins or what could happen while I'm pregnant ... I'm more worried about the after. Suddenly I will have two children. Two children who I will need to breast feed. Two sets of diapers to change. Two sets of clothes to wash. Two sets of spit up ... Well, it's definitely going to be an adventure and I'm so so so so so so thankful that God has blessed us. That He was with me all this time. I truly believe He wanted to prepare us. He (obviously) knew he was going to give us twins - and He made sure we would be ready.

Oh, we'll be ready. Er ... as ready as we can be! I mean, it's not like we've done this whole pregnancy, baby thing before!

But Husband and I are a solid team. And I know we'll be just fine. And we have two wonderful soon-to-be grandmas who live less than 20 minutes away. That always helps too. A lot. A whole, whole, whole lot.

We had our 12 weeks check up yesterday (even tho I'm officially 12 weeks, 5 days) and got the blessing to tell the world. It's been SO MUCH FUN! I still have my times that I'll wake up at 3 a.m. and think: Holy Crap. Twins. but I'm so thankful and joyful that the babies are healthy.

Here's our announcement made by my amazing cousin, Heather, of Honeyscope Design:

~M

The latest and greatest ...

Ready for an update?!

Last Wednesday, I got my first make-my-eggs-bigger shot. We used a different medicine than before because of the dosage I needed my "old" medicine no longer carries. So instead of paying more money, we decided to try the cheaper meds. Silly Mara. If it ain't broke - don't fix it! Returning for an ultrasound on Friday - we discovered that my eggs barely grew. So the unfriendly ultrasound technician sends me on my way and tells me the nurses will call me once they talk with the doctor.

My instinctive reaction: I'm crushed. I cry. I call Husband and bemoan the fact that nothing ever goes right. Why would God have this happen?! wah wah wah. Pitiful, right? Right. I haven't even spoken to the nurses or my doctor and I'm ready to throw in the towel! Husband was a bit frustrated with me - understandably. I then realized I need to get my head on straight as I resume my TTC journey. I can't be weepy and negative all the time. I need to gear myself back up but with God as the center. Our sermons at church these past few Sundays have been spot on for me and have really given me a good frame of mind as Husband and I re-enter the world of infertility.

Anyhoo - the Nurse calls later in the day and they want me to go back on my original medicine. So I'm scrambling to find a pharmacy where I can fill  this prescription. Not a lot of pharmacies just stock fertility drugs... Of course, I have Express Scripts so Walgreens is out of the question. Harrumph. Oh, and did I mention I was at an offsite gathering in Illinois therefore was nowhere near a pharmacy? Well, I was. So my amazing, thoughtful and so kind mother drives to a random pharmacy to get me what I need. Love. Her.

I give myself two more shots over the weekend to boost the eggs a bit more. Go back in Monday to check the status: the eggs are bigger ... but not big enough. No worries! said the nurse. We'll have you come back in Wednesday and then IUI on Thursday and Friday if your eggs are fully mature.

That would be just fine and dandy - if Husband wasn't heading out of town Thursday afternoon for four days. [sound of tires screeching to a halt]

Well, Husband just stays home, right? No. I didn't want him to stay home! He's had this trip planned for a loonnggg time. He's headed out with his buddies. He's so so so been looking forward to it. After much talk - I told him to go and feel guilty no more. We can't let infertility control our lives! Life goes on! And I was not going to have him miss this trip!

Which leads me to the point of this post (ramble much?!). Timing. I know I've blogged about this before ...Fertility is all about timing. God has perfect timing. I need to remember that! His timing. His plan. I heard a song on the radio today that talked about his mercies through trials. My infertility has certainly been a trial. We're on Year Three - I never thought it would be this hard to get pregnant. Too many romance novels or something.

So what happened? I went in yesterday to discover I have four mature eggs. FOUR! I've never ever had four mature eggs before! And they are huge! So big, in fact, that I'm borderline overstimulated. Thus my ovaries are a bit swollen and sore. BUT the nurses felt we could proceed with IUI if I'm aware that there is a chance I could have multiples if all four eggs go forth and meet sperm. (gulp).

Side Trip: I don't think I've ever explained IUI, have I? IUI is the shortened name for Intrauterine Insemination. We take a cup of Husband's sperm, get it washed and purified, and then inject it directly into my uterus with a long skinny thingy. The "joke" you hear a lot is that it's like a turkey baster. (ew). It's all very scientific and as unromantic as you can possibly imagine. Husband always comes with me and holds my hand through the entire procedure. (I love him. I really, really do.) The procedure is not the most comfortable one. And there are times when cramping is involved afterwards. But it's all for a good cause, of course! Husband jokes that he will always be in the room with me when they do the procedure as to not miss when our child was conceived. Ha! End of side trip.

So with four fully matured eggs (four!!) - we decided to go for it. Yesterday, after receiving my "trigger" shot (to start ovulation) in the morning, Husband and I went back that afternoon for my first IUI. Then we went back this morning for our second IUI. Traditionally, when you get your trigger shot, you head back the NEXT day to receive your first IUI followed 24 hours later by your second (and final) IUI. In our case, we sped up the process a bit. There is a chance that all four eggs could take. There is also a chance that NONE of the eggs could take as we did things a bit earlier in terms of timing.

And I'm okay. I'll be okay if no eggs fertilize. Will I be disappointed? You bet! I'm only human here! But I continue to remind myself of God's timing. His timing is perfect and is right. I am trusting Him with all this and not trying to take it in my own hands. Through a lot of this journey - I was trying to deal with it on my own - yet getting mad at God when it didn't go my way. God knows the desires of my heart.

My prayers have changed too. Of course, I will always pray that God will bless us and I am able to get pregnant. But I'm also praying that God works in me and my reactions. That if this cycle turns up negative - I will handle it with grace and determination to head into the next cycle! I'm praying that I don't obsess over every little thing as I head into the dreaded waiting period. I'm praying that I stay faithful.

So cross your fingers - the waiting has begun.

~M

~M

Annnnndddd .... We're off!

Went to my fertility doctor this morning. Things are looking good! My lining is nice and my ovaries are quiet (which is a good thing at this stage). So now we're back in the swing of things!

Church these past few Sundays has been amazing and so uplifting. I feel as if I'm in a good place mentally and spiritually. I feel centered. I feel good. So if we don't get pregnant this month - at least we are back in the groove. We're finally doing something rather than just hanging out and waiting.

Warning! Heading in to possible TMI! The doc did want to take another culture of my cervix mucus. My doc is finding out that certain types of bacteria in the cervix can have an effect on fertility and and may "influence" pregnancy loss. My doc decided to test me for this as I've lost two pregnancies ... If I do carry bacteria, then Husband and I will be placed on meds (Husband, too, because we would just pass it back and forth. Ew).  I haven't done much research about it - but plan to! I'm the type of person that always wants to be informed and in-the-know. But it will definitely be interesting to see how the culture comes back. If it is indeed positive - then that would explain a lot!

Until then, I have my schedule set and we're back in the game!

~M

To quote Jessie Spano ...

"I'm so excited! I'm ... so ... scared!"

It's THE month, my friends. This is the month Husband and I are able to start trying to conceive again. I'm feeling a lot of emotions: excited, nervous, dread ...

I'm excited because I'm happy to be on the bandwagon again. I'm happy that we get another shot at conceiving. Excited and hoping that this time may be all that we need to get pregnant.

I'm nervous because I don't (really, really don't) want to go through what I did in January and February: the joy, the happiness, and then the sudden slap of horrible news, the pain, the tears ... I'm not so sure I can handle going through that again.

I am dreading this month in a way because of the drugs. It's been three months since I've had any fertility drugs pumped in my system. I don't like how they make me feel. I don't like the intrution with all the ultrasounds and shots and bloodwork. It was one thing when it happened every month - it's like I got into a rhythm. But now that I've been out of the game for three months - it's just a bit harder to step back in.

However, all the balls can't get rolling again until I get my period. So we wait. Because my cycle is so off from the miscarriage and D&C - I'm not exactly sure when my period will come - I've got a ballpark guess. That's about it. AND I'm getting a bit more nervous in the fact that Husband will be leaving for Colorado in a few weeks. So if my lovely period doesn't come SOON the timing could be totally off and we miss our window. I would in no way want him to miss Colorado (his best friend's bachelor party). Husband has been looking forward to this since last year!

THUS - I just pray. Pray that everything will work out. That if this is our month - then God will take control and it will be as it should be.

There's not much more to do than that ...

~M

Happy Birthday to Husband!

Today is Husband's birthday. He's 33 years old. THIRTY-THREE!! I met this amazing man was he was 21 - about to start his senior year in college. He was quiet, so funny, and shy.

Almost thirteen years later ... He's still quiet - but now I know the quiet means he's listening or making observations (he's so good at that!). He is even MORE funny than when we first met. I laugh so much with him. Not a day goes by that I don't think to myself I can't wait to tell Husband this story! So we can then laugh and laugh about it. He's not as shy anymore either - but he has this way with people that once he walks away they turn to me and say "You have THE nicest husband!"

Yes. Yes, I do.

I LOVE to give cards. I'm a card fanatic. I'm pretty sure I keep Kirklin's rolling in the dough on my business alone. This year I hit the jackpot on Husband's birthday cards. I have two funnies for the day - one in the morning I always sign from me and the dog (we really love our dog). One for during the day around lunch time. And then the mushy card at the end of the day with his presents. And I think this is one of my best cards yet!

During our engagement I would give Husband a card each month leading up to our wedding - just to remind him how much I loved him and how excited I was to become his wife. One of his favorite cards (and mine too) that I gave him said on the front: "On the ship of life..." and you open it up it said: "You're my soul matey"

Perfect, right?!?! I don't think I've been able to top that card since.

But then I found this years' card.

Outside:

Inside says:

Could there be a more perfect card?!?! I think not. He DOES have a heart of gold. One of the main things I love about him (and envy, at times) is his ability to ALWAYS be kind. Always. He is one of the kindest people I know. And I totally rocked that hair when I was like four years old. I was all about the bowl cut.

I'm so excited to cook Husband a meal (this is a big deal - as Husband is the cook in the family), watch him open his presents, and spend time together.

I'm thankful he's mine. I'm thankful that he has two amazing parents that raised him to be such a wonderful man. I'm thankful he loves me, is patient with me, and takes care of me.

I'm thankful to be his wife.

Happy Birthday to my husband.

~M

Husband with our nephew, Ben

Faking It

That's right. Sometimes I fake it. Not to brag or anything, but I'm really good at it.

And, no, I'm not talking about with Husband. :)

I fake happiness. Now, I don't do it all the time. I'd like to consider myself a geniunely happy person with a slightly pessimistic spin. Does that even make sense?! But there are times where fake happiness must make an appearance. I find that more and more in my infertility journey - my ability to fake happiness is getting a work out! Sometimes I dislike myself for my ability. Other times I'm grateful for it.

It always seems like everyone is getting pregnant. And just when you thought that everyone IS pregnant; more everyones become pregnant. Lovely.

As I've said in a previous post - I still choose joy for those that are pregnant, have given birth, have adopted a child ... all those things are miracles in itself! But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I still get down. I still need to fake happiness here and there because really, people. Infertility is HARD. It SUCKS. If you let it consume you (as I've done in the past) - it's even exhausting. Very, very exhausting.

I'm the lone ranger in our group of friends. Husband and I are the only couple without children. So friend conversations now revolve around babies, children, day care, birth, pregnancy, diapers, baby toys ... you name it. I can hold my own a bit because I have five adorable nieces and nephews so I at least have an idea of what they are talking about. But there are times when I just want to walk outside and let out the loudest and longest frustrated scream. Then calmly walk back inside all better. Or maybe just change the subject all together. How about those Blues, eh? We're actually going to make it to the playoffs!!

No such luck.

Sometimes I'll escape the female chatter and go hang out with Husband and the guys. There I can sit quietly and save myself from endless baby talk. I can only take so much.

Or I just fake it. And then I feel bad that I'm faking it b/c these are my friends! I care about them and their families! I don't like being a bad friend ...

But ... there's always a "but" ... I'm only as strong as I let myself be. Most of the time if I fake happiness - I usually can fight through the woe-is-me fog that wants to settle around me. Other times I'm able to table it and throw my brief pity party once I'm by myself. Or I handle as much as I can and then go to Husband and whisper "Please get me out of here" to which he will with complete understanding.

This weekend we are having friends over with their children. It's so wonderful to be able to get together and entertain at our house. But I know I'm in for baby talk out of this world. And this time, I won't be able to escape it (it being my house and all...). These friends don't know about our latest miscarriage and what we've been through. I've always been very vocal about our journey - but I've discovered that some (actually, most) people get  uncomfortable. And I don't blame them! What do you say?! Usually if I bring it up - I'm met with pitying looks and/or silence. So I shut my trap and on we go.

So my advice to you and all those out there with friends struggling with infertility - just ask them how they are doing. Ask them if they are okay. Listen to them. Let them talk it out. Give them a reassuring hand or hug and just simply say: I am so sorry you are going through this.

I would give anything - ANYTHING! if one of our friends would look at me and say "Mara, how are you doing?" And then just let me talk and be there to listen. If I didn't have my mother or Husband or this blog - I would have no way to talk about infertility. Why is that?! How did infertility become a four letter word that no one talks about?!

I've promised myself to never forget. I will never forget how infertility has affected me. I will always drop everything to listen and support anyone I know going through this. Infertility can be a lonely journey for couples and especially lonely for women. I don't ever want another woman to feel alone or left out like I have felt by other women.

My hcg has officially gone negative. It took my body awhile to realize that I wasn't pregnant anymore. So if everything continues it's course - we should be ready to go in April. I'm beyond nervous. I'm full of what-if's: what if it doesn't work? what if something goes wrong? What if we have to do IVF (which scares me to no end ...)

God's got something going on, I know. I'm not a particular fan of what's going on at the moment but He is God after all. Who am I to question? (Although, I can't help it!). I'm just going to continue to pray for peace and courage to get through what is ahead.

There's a lot ahead for us. Hopefully, I won't have to fake it ever again.

~M

Make 'em laugh!

A day without laughter is a day wasted. - Charlie Chaplin

This past week Husband and I have done a lot of laughing. Maybe it's because I was gone for a week with my mama in Miami and we missed each other terribly. Nevertheless - we've laughed a ton; watching our favorite shows or movie; dancing goofy to music; or just poking fun at each other. It's been so ... refreshing.

I met Husband in college through a mutual friend (Thanks, Nate!). While Husband didn't talk very much whenever Nate and I would run into him - he sure did smile a lot. Thus I coined the term "Smiling Baffoon" No, not the most complimentary nickname but it stuck. Then one day, I actually got to talk with Husband and He. Was. Hilarious. I swear I didn't stop laughing for most of the night. Not only is Husband a good looking fellow (biased!) but he has the BEST sense of humor. He'll whip out these one line zingers that I still laugh at years later. His perspective is so different from mine that he'll pick things out I never thought of - and then we'll laugh hysterically together. Love. It.

I'm naturally a goofy person and I adore the fact that Husband appreciates my goofiness and goes along with me. Together, we are one ridiculous couple.

Today and this week - I hope your world is filled with laughter. Go watch a funny movie (I can't wait for The Dictator to come out!) or read a funny book. Or just people watch. There is always something funny in that.

Good times.

A sense of humor ... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person deep down has a pretty good grasp on life. - Hugh Sidey

Everybody laughs in the same language because laughter is a universal connection. - Yakov Smirnoff

~M

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall ...

It's been five days since my D&C. Big props to St. Luke's Hospital's Women's Surgery group - they rock. They were so sweet with me and made me feel at ease. The only truly physical pain I had was getting the IV in my hand (OW!!). But I was always wrapped in warm blankets and they would stop to tell me they were sorry I was here. Their understanding and empathy was just wonderful - and helped to calm me.

I then spent the rest of the week and through the weekend laying around in my cozy robe. The drugs they gave me lasted all day Thursday - but when Friday hit ... good lawd. It was intense. I was pounding Advil b/c I didn't want to take the heavy duty pain killer they gave me. ick.

And, of course, I cried. I cried when I came out of surgery. I cried on the way home. I REALLY cried the next day when the pain was at it's peak. Saturday I forced myself to leave the house and get a facial. (It was lovely). I pushed Husband out the door Saturday night so he could go meet up with his buddies. I can only imagine how he probably needed to get out of our house. I was (kinda still am...) a huge buzz kill. One person can handle only so much crying and robe wearing.

I'm back at work now. Still bleeding and still uncomfortable but I thought I was getting better until I looked at myself in the mirror last night. Good. God. I swear I look like Humpty Dumpty. My belly looks like an egg. I seriously look like I've gained 20 pounds and it's all in my middle. Cue the tears.

As I'm crying - Husband wants to know what is wrong. "I look like Humpty Dumpty!" I wail and bury my face back in my kleenex. Husband hesitated, wondering if he heard me right. "Um ... Humpty Dumpty?" he asks. "Yes!" I cry (and/or sob). And then I finally look at him. He's trying not to laugh at me. He's got that grin you get when you are desperately trying not to laugh out loud. And of course, I get mad and rip of robe. "Look at my stomach! Look how huge I look!" He stares at me - "I don't see anything."

Oh bless his heart, my lying Husband. He's supposed to say that! If he was like "Holy crap! You're huge!" that would have just caused more tears and disasters. He answered correctly but I still told him he's supposed to say he doesn't see anything b/c he's my husband. And then I stomped off to finish my pitiful cry on the couch.

I called the doctor this morning because if you go on the internet it always gives you a diagnosis one step away from death. My humpty dumpty appearance isn't totally normal - but I just might be retaining water. Drink gatorade they tell me. I rather poke my eye out. I cannot handle gatorade after my two weeks of drinking nothing but (remember back in September?)... So I call Mom. Vitamin Mom to the rescue! She researches and finds that if I take like 10 gazillion pills of alfalfa - it will help. I'll just pee a lot. Okay. That I can handle. Heading to Whole Foods asap.

The fun just never ends, eh?

I was trying to explain to Husband how this experience has made me feel and I thought of two words: defective and broken. Kind of one in the same ... Women are made to bear children. And here I am unable to do the one thing I am made to do. I feel unwomanly and like a failure. And then you play the what if game ... What if we started sooner? What if we went straight to IUI instead of wasting our time trying to conceive as naturally as we could? It's just an endless cycle. And so not worth it. I'm trying to get out of my black cloud. I know I'm not fun to be around. I haven't really enjoyed being around me either!

Mom and I head to Miami on Saturday for our annual Mommy/Daughter trip. And it's supposed to rain EVERY DAY we are there. Figures. But at least it will be warm and rainy there rather than cold and rainy here. I'm looking forward to just getting away with my mom and being around another woman. I straight up just want my mommy.

So I'm taking it one day at a time. Wearing lots of leggings with longer tops thanks to my Humpty Dumpty syndrome. I'm hoping I feel somewhat like myself soon. This is just pure misery. I truly, truly hope that I never never never never ever have to go through this again. [shudder].

~M

Amazing Husband

I have to brag about Husband. He is, quite simply, amazing. More and more I realize just how amazing he is - through each of our trials and bumps in our journey ... He. Is. Amazing.

I was reminded (again) of this these past few weeks. To update you from my last post ... I got pregnant! I took a test and the nurses called and I was overcome with joy. I mean squeal and run around the room giggling like a maniac joy. I left work immediately and drove the 25 minutes to Husband's work where I blubbered all over him trying to tell him we were pregnant while everyone he works with was leaving the office for lunch and staring at us. (He was slightly embarrassed ...) I then drove the 30 minutes to my parent's house screaming "MOM! MOOOOOOMMMMMM!" Until I found her and then blubbered all over her and my dad.

It was wonderful. Husband walked around with a bit of a dumbfounded look on his face like this is really happening. And would nod and smile at me when I insisted that my belly was growing and I needed cute maternity clothes asap. We started talking names. Husband would rub my belly every night before bed. I bought tons of books and would read them out loud to Husband (who is not a fan of reading). We started planning and talking of our future and of the year to come. It was just lovely.

At six weeks, we headed to the doctor to get our first ultrasound. We'd get to see the heart beat and do a check up. Talk about excited! We walked into the hospital holding hands and I teased Husband that we may have twins. It was so fun. Then the ultrasound. No heartbeat. And the fetus was super small. I laid on the table and cried for 15 minutes while the (insensitive) ultrasound lady took a gazillion pictures. And then we heard the news we already knew: failed pregnancy.

I (somewhat) held it together while we were in the doctor's office. But the minute we got to the car - I sobbed. Wracking, silent crying at times sobs. Husband just sat with me and held my hand. I called my mom and sobbed some more. Bless her heart - she called everyone we had told so I wouldn't have to. The rest of the day had me sobbing at random times; usually out of the blue. Husband would just hold me or scratch my back, rub my hair ... I was so wrapped up in myself and how I was feeling that I never thought to ask if he was okay. I finally came to my senses when I saw him crying with me at one point. My body has to go through the miscarriage - but Husband has to watch it all unfold (and feel helpless). I don't know if one is worse than the other.

Tomorrow I get a suction D&C where they will suction out my uterus lining and test the tissue to see if it can tell us anything. I will bleed (a lot). And we won't be able to try to conceive until April. APRIL. Needless to say - I'm bumming hard core.

But Husband ... wonderful, amazing Husband. He has been right by my side this ENTIRE time. He takes time away from work, he stays home, he sits next to me for long periods of time to hold me when I cry. He makes me laugh. He get's me out of my blue mood. In a nutshell, he's been my rock; my anchor. I honestly have taken him for granted. What is second hat to me b/c Husband is like this all the time - is not necessarily true for everyone else. I am horribly, horribly spoiled by him.

And if he is this amazing with me - don't you think he will be the best gosh darn father, ever?!?! Yes. Yes he will.

So this post is a tribute to my husband. Who makes me laugh, makes me feel sexy, is sweet, KIND, funny as hell, super handsome, and a sexy beast. :) I truly, truly love him.

~M

God's Timing

I took a break from blogging b/c I felt my posts were getting a bit negative and a bit boo-hoo wah-wah. Who wants to read about that?! I certainly didn't and I know that as of right now - I'm really the only one reading this blog as I haven't made it known that I'm even writing a blog ... I wanted to try my hand at blog writing before I let others know I was actually doing it ...

I've come a LONG way from October. We're still TTC. Right before Christmas, we did IUI (more on that in another post). It was a bit sad, a bit exciting. I'm currently in the 2 week waiting period to see if I'm pregnant. Extreme torture that 2 week waiting period. You have two weeks to over-analyze, ponder, and google everything.

However, I'm in a better place this time around. At church, our Christmas Eve service was about hope. So over my vacation from work (which was lovely, BTW) I finally sat down for some quiet time. A solid hour of reading my bible and writing in my journal. Something I haven't done in quite awhile - as in much, much too long.

I started looking up verses that had to do with hope. I was desiring a fresh outlook in regards to it. For so long - hope was a bad word to me. If I got my hopes up or had too much hope, then I would be completely crushed once I got my period. It was such a vicious cycle. I wanted to have hope and have it not get me down. I found some great verses ... but stumbled upon something completely different. If I take notes during a sermon, I usually end up putting those notes in my bible. I found notes from John 5 - the story of Lazarus. Jesus, who dearly loved his family, waited two days to head to Lazarus. TWO DAYS! Why? Because Jesus knew God's plan and His timing. So - in a nutshell. God ain't no joke! (duh). But He has a perfect plan and perfect timing. I know this! But yet, I continued to stomp my feet, cry and ask why. I have a Life Study Bible (totally recommend it!) that summarize certain verses - basically put it the passage in perspective or give certain means. So in the little summary - it told me to patiently await His timing.

Whoa. I stared at that for a long, long time. It really struck a cord with me. So I had a hearty cry and gave it all to God. I do need to be patient and I do need to await his timing. He has a reason for my infertility - I may not know what that is but he doesn't do things willy-nilly! I asked him for strength to patiently wait for him and thanked him for speaking to me and changing my heart.

And then a few days later - He spoke to my heart again.

I've been struggling with that evil jealousy emotion when I see a pregnant woman, find out a friend is pregnant, etc. I smile but inside I'm crying and just plain 'ol jealous. NOT GOOD. I came across a blog of a couple going through infertility called "A Blog about Love" In a post, Mara (no relation) talked about her outlook to seeing other mothers or hearing her friends are pregnant, etc. She chose JOY. Children are a miracle. Getting pregnant is a miracle. Giving BIRTH is a miracle. So why, Mara asked, should something so miraculous and joyful make her feel pain?

Well, huh. I thought to myself. That is so true. Why do I let the pain in rather than the wonder and the joy?! Plus, if it is someone I love/care about - their joys should be my joys and their sorrows my sorrows. I vowed then and there - I would CHOOSE JOY. I would patiently await God and pray that my time as a mother is in my future. I trust in God and I hold my hope in Him. In everything.

I ran home to share my epiphany with Husband. I feel so free! Free from worry and pain - now it won't go away completely. Some things are knee-jerk. BUT I am more self-aware and in such a more positive place. And Husband hugged me telling me that now he sees the woman he married. The positve, happy-go-lucky girl. He said he was happy to see me again. Have I really been that negative, I asked him? I know I've been sad but uber negative?! And he just gave me that look. You know - that look that says - Honey, you crazy. Another reason Husband is amazing for putting up with me for over a year in that state of negativity.

SO, my dear friends. My heart is open wide and I'm so grateful that God spoke to me - that my heart was open and I was willing to listen and to understand. Will I be sad if I'm not pregnant this month? You betcha! But will I let it take me down that negative spiral? No way! I also feel that by God speaking to me, he's preparing me. I don't think I'm pregnant this month. I think He's giving me a new outlook, He's helping me cope and giving me the tools that I should have picked up a long time ago. I'm grateful for that, too.

Trust + hope = FAITH. And with that - I will patiently await God's timing and just keep praying.

~M