Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall ...

It's been five days since my D&C. Big props to St. Luke's Hospital's Women's Surgery group - they rock. They were so sweet with me and made me feel at ease. The only truly physical pain I had was getting the IV in my hand (OW!!). But I was always wrapped in warm blankets and they would stop to tell me they were sorry I was here. Their understanding and empathy was just wonderful - and helped to calm me.

I then spent the rest of the week and through the weekend laying around in my cozy robe. The drugs they gave me lasted all day Thursday - but when Friday hit ... good lawd. It was intense. I was pounding Advil b/c I didn't want to take the heavy duty pain killer they gave me. ick.

And, of course, I cried. I cried when I came out of surgery. I cried on the way home. I REALLY cried the next day when the pain was at it's peak. Saturday I forced myself to leave the house and get a facial. (It was lovely). I pushed Husband out the door Saturday night so he could go meet up with his buddies. I can only imagine how he probably needed to get out of our house. I was (kinda still am...) a huge buzz kill. One person can handle only so much crying and robe wearing.

I'm back at work now. Still bleeding and still uncomfortable but I thought I was getting better until I looked at myself in the mirror last night. Good. God. I swear I look like Humpty Dumpty. My belly looks like an egg. I seriously look like I've gained 20 pounds and it's all in my middle. Cue the tears.

As I'm crying - Husband wants to know what is wrong. "I look like Humpty Dumpty!" I wail and bury my face back in my kleenex. Husband hesitated, wondering if he heard me right. "Um ... Humpty Dumpty?" he asks. "Yes!" I cry (and/or sob). And then I finally look at him. He's trying not to laugh at me. He's got that grin you get when you are desperately trying not to laugh out loud. And of course, I get mad and rip of robe. "Look at my stomach! Look how huge I look!" He stares at me - "I don't see anything."

Oh bless his heart, my lying Husband. He's supposed to say that! If he was like "Holy crap! You're huge!" that would have just caused more tears and disasters. He answered correctly but I still told him he's supposed to say he doesn't see anything b/c he's my husband. And then I stomped off to finish my pitiful cry on the couch.

I called the doctor this morning because if you go on the internet it always gives you a diagnosis one step away from death. My humpty dumpty appearance isn't totally normal - but I just might be retaining water. Drink gatorade they tell me. I rather poke my eye out. I cannot handle gatorade after my two weeks of drinking nothing but (remember back in September?)... So I call Mom. Vitamin Mom to the rescue! She researches and finds that if I take like 10 gazillion pills of alfalfa - it will help. I'll just pee a lot. Okay. That I can handle. Heading to Whole Foods asap.

The fun just never ends, eh?

I was trying to explain to Husband how this experience has made me feel and I thought of two words: defective and broken. Kind of one in the same ... Women are made to bear children. And here I am unable to do the one thing I am made to do. I feel unwomanly and like a failure. And then you play the what if game ... What if we started sooner? What if we went straight to IUI instead of wasting our time trying to conceive as naturally as we could? It's just an endless cycle. And so not worth it. I'm trying to get out of my black cloud. I know I'm not fun to be around. I haven't really enjoyed being around me either!

Mom and I head to Miami on Saturday for our annual Mommy/Daughter trip. And it's supposed to rain EVERY DAY we are there. Figures. But at least it will be warm and rainy there rather than cold and rainy here. I'm looking forward to just getting away with my mom and being around another woman. I straight up just want my mommy.

So I'm taking it one day at a time. Wearing lots of leggings with longer tops thanks to my Humpty Dumpty syndrome. I'm hoping I feel somewhat like myself soon. This is just pure misery. I truly, truly hope that I never never never never ever have to go through this again. [shudder].

~M