Being an "FI"

My adorable mother has so enjoyed buying me pregnancy magazines. Some are meh - but one I really do enjoy: Fit Pregnancy. There is a lot of good stuff in there! An article in particular really hit a chord with me: Formerly Infertile. The author, Leslie Goldman, named us girls who have struggled with infertility and now are pregnant "Former Infertiles" (or FI's). She also talked about how an FI pregnancy is a different roller coaster all together compared to those women who had no struggle getting pregnant.

I found myself nodding my head in agreement at almost everything she wrote. Leslie states that FI's can struggle with so many more emotions than the average pregnant woman: guilt, an identity crisis, high anxiety, nerves ...

There's the guilt among our infertile sisters for becoming pregnant. There's also the guilt in complaining about the pregnancy. It's like you've waited so long and NOW you're sitting here complaining?! I find myself in the latter boat...I catch myself whining to Husband - my head is pounding! I haven't slept since June 7th (I'm not kidding. I really haven't slept since that day. It was a wonderful sleep). My left hip is KILLING me (due to all the weight I've suddenly developed in front. Thanks, boobs and belly). And so on.

And then I catch myself. This pregnancy is what I've wanted for three years! It's what I've cried over and journaled and daydreamed. But, yet, I'm complaining about my hip? I feel as an FI - I should just be so thankful for every hardship ... Leslie, however, says it is okay for us to complain! Pregnancy is HARD and definitely not pain free (hello, twins here). We, even as an FI, have the right to vent a bit. BUT seek support with the right ears.

Leslie also discussed the emotions of nervousness and high anxiety. Hello, me. I SO have this. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. There are times I'm convinced that something will go wrong; that something is bound to happen to my babies thus I just sit and worry endlessly. Or if I'm NOT sick one day - I get afraid that something is wrong with the babies. I should be sick! I've been sick every day for the past 13 weeks! I'm a wreck until I get to the doctor and see the babies on the ultrasound machine. I've been driving my husband crazy with all my worrying, googling, researching, stressing. I want to enjoy this pregnancy - but for three years I've had nothing but diappointment. It's hard to make the switch that my babies might just be okay! 

Now at almost 16 weeks, I'm a bit more calm. I have a nice beer gut going on and I feel as if I'm out of the danger zone. Not to mention when my high risk doctor told me that the babies looked wonderful and I am showing no signs of miscarriage - that sure did help.

Then there's also the identity crisis. For years, I've been an infertile woman dodging the when are you going to have kids?! questions and trying to keep my despair from showing through. Suddenly (but not really suddenly) I'm going to be a mother ... of twins! To shift gears and look at myself in the mirror as a mother is something that I still find surreal. To actually become a mother when I've been through a lot of heartache - is ... frightening. Exhilarating! Scary. Joyful! It's just an amazing roller coaster....

I was so thankful to have stumbled upon this article. Leslie helped me take a deep breath and remember that I'm okay. I'm normal! And that in itself is comforting!!

~M