To say I'm discouraged is an understatement ...

Ever have one of those days where you are just blue? Or when you are all weepy-pants? Woe is me-ish? Well, I've had one of those weeks. I woke up this morning and seriously thought to myself: TGIF. Could this week PLEASE be over with?! Give me Saturday so I can burrow under my covers and wish it all to just go the hell away.

Not to go into too many of the details but it's been an emotional, roller coaster week in the TTC realm (for me. And for Husband, I'm sure, because he has to deal with me. Bless his heart). There's been a lot of: am I? No, I'm not. Wait. But I could be? Oh. I'm not. Hold up. This happens? So I could be? Oh. Not really.

So many possiblities, could-be's, if this happens then this will HAVE to happen... But the main thing out of this week is: just wait. I HATE TO WAIT. I'm that annoying person in a long line tapping their toes, shifting their positions a-gazillion times, heaving sighs, glancing at my watch. I'm like a five year old that has to pee when faced with a long line. So telling me to "just wait" isn't fair!

And to top it off - if I'm not pregnant then my next round of treatments will fall in the week that Husband and I will be on vacation. Which could mean we just might have to skip the next go-round of treatments.

Let me side track to tell you about this vacation. This vacay will be the first time this year that Husband and I will be away BY OURSELVES. We've been blessed to go on trips this year with our families. I went to Miami with my momma (so wonderful!). Husband went skiing with my father. The In-Laws took us to Spring Training in FL. We went to Colorado with my family ... So this blissful week of just US has us giddy with excitement. (We're going to San Francisco, BTW. Spending a few days in Wine Country and then the rest in the city. CAN. NOT. WAIT. Damn waiting ...)

Now when I go to the doc for treatment, I get one shot to ready the eggs. I then go back in a certain period of time later to get an ultrasound for them to be sure I have an egg ready. So if I have an egg ready to go (so far so good) I get another shot and off we go. We'll be on vacay when I will require my second shot (which requires an ultrasound). The possibility that our amazing, wonderful trip together could jeopordize this month's attempt to get pregnant has me just beside myself. We can't really reschedule our trip and frankly, part of me doesn't even want to try to reschedule. This is our trip! I want to go away with my husband, dammit!

So cue the tears. I wonder why God has been silent with me. I ask Him why a lot. Why me? Why us? We'd be such great parents. We'd be God-fearing loving parents. But I can't get pregnant. When I hear stories of how it took other women four, five, six, even TEN years to get pregnant. I shudder. Not me, God I silently plea. Please don't let that happen to me. But as each month rolls by, its hard not to think that it COULD be me. So the house that we built for our family sits empty. I continually dodge insulting questions as to why Husband and I have no children. I smile and nod and mentally picture strangling the person who tells me "It will happen when you least expect it!" (Oh, if I had a quarter for every time I heard that ...)

You know the saying God only gives you what you can handle ... well, I'm just about at my breaking point. I just don't know how I could possibly handle any more ...

Thus the discouragement. And the saddness. And the woe is me. I know I say this all the time - but Husband has truly been a rock. So wonderful and so supportive. He listens and makes me laugh. Helps me to realize when I am being a complete moron. I get so wrapped up in myself and how I'm feeling that I forget to be strong for him. I know that I'm bearing the majority of the ordeal b/c it's my body that is getting all the "fun stuff" - but he's going through it too in his own way.

I'm also thankful for my parents. Man, they stinkin' rock. And when they say they'll pray for me - I know they really will (and do.)

I'm pretty good about not remaining in my woe-is-me state. I usually have one day (two max) where I'm mopey-pants around the house. Then I snap out of it and chug-a-lug forward. But this week, with the up's and down's, I haven't been too successful at the whole snap-out-of-it thing.

So. To end my depressing post (sorry!) I'm going to be gosh darn thankful that it is Friday. I'm going to be lazy. And I'm going to have to suck it up and just blinkin' wait. As my brother says "It is what it is." So true. So true.

Maybe I'll treat myself to some Chick Filet. Their fries are gluten free, you know. :) It's the little things in life I need to remember to enjoy. Chick Filet is one of them. Steak n' Shake fries are another. And my amazing trip with Husband that is t-minus two weeks and some change away.

~M