What a week ...

Please excuse the silly blog title positioning ... I'm still working some kinks out. Blogger savvy, I am not ... But I'm slowly getting the hang of it.

What a week! I can't say it has been the best week... More on the TTC front and it's not good. On Monday we discovered that even tho I got my period - I still had eggs left over from the OHSS debacle. This is normal so I was to take a medication for 10 days that would allow my ovaries to shut down and the eggs to naturally go away. After those 10 days, I would get my period again and then be able to start a new round of treatment. However, before I was able to take the medication, I had to get a pregnancy test just to be sure. No big. Just going through the motions. That afternoon, the nurse called me and seemed concerned. In order for me to be considered "not  pregnant" my hcg horomone needed to be below a 3. It WAS a 3. So I was to go and get another blood test on Monday. Okkkkaaaay.

Imagine my (and the nurses!) surprise when on Wednesday my hcg measured 9. It tripled!! Hello?! The nurse warned me that I may be having a chemical pregnancy (when the egg fails to implant properly) and that I would probably miscarry. Great. But just to be sure I needed to get another blood test on Friday. And the news was that my hcg is now a 10. The fact that it did not decrease is a bad thing. The fact that it didn't shoot up higher is a slightly good thing. So NOW the nurses think I may be having an eptopic pregnancy (when the egg is in the fallopian tube). This is REALLY not good. This could severely damage my tube to the extent that I will have to get it removed. It's a bit harder to get pregnant with one ovary ... I have to go back on Tuesday to get another blood test to monitor my hcg levels. I'm to call the nurses if I feel any pain or have massive amounts of blood flow. I may miscarry over the weekend or they may need to give me an injection in order to force my body to miscarry. An eptopic pregnancy is pretty serious and could be dangerous. Husband's good work buddy almost died recently when she had an undetected eptopic pregnancy (and I'm not being dramatic - it was pretty serious!).

Unfortunately, it's too soon for an ultrasound to see where the egg is and if it is indeed in my fallopian tube. As of right now, we'll just have to rely on blood tests. You should see my poor arms. Thank goodness it is long sleeve weather or people would start to wonder ...

I'm still a bit numb. I don't even know where to start praying ... Of course I'm praying that it's not an eptopic pregnancy. Then I'm asking him to keep me and my ovaries safe. I'm asking for peace of mind. And I'm asking why (I can't help it).

Really, I'm just sad and discouraged. My body is just not happy with me ... It's tough, too, because we must take it day by day; test by test. It's hard to know what is truly going on and I just have to be careful. It's awful. Just awful. Come December, it will be two years that we've been trying to conceive. I'm ready to throw the towel in. Two years of an emotional roller coaster. Granted we haven't gone through major treatments (insemination, IVF) but I've had enough drugs pumped through my system to start my own infertility drug store.

As always - Pandora plays a great song to kick me in my behind. I will try (because right now, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not feeling it) to "praise Him through the storm." (courtesy of Casting Crowns). I think I'll go home, have a nice cry, and eat some ice cream or something. It helps me to have a hearty cry and then I feel better to face the day again.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to stay faithful. Faithful that God is with me. Faithful that He has me with a doctor that knows what he's doing. Faithful that God will protect my body from further harm. I need to stay faithful.

Depressing post, I know. I promise something more uplifiting next week.

~M