Annnnndddd .... We're off!

Went to my fertility doctor this morning. Things are looking good! My lining is nice and my ovaries are quiet (which is a good thing at this stage). So now we're back in the swing of things!

Church these past few Sundays has been amazing and so uplifting. I feel as if I'm in a good place mentally and spiritually. I feel centered. I feel good. So if we don't get pregnant this month - at least we are back in the groove. We're finally doing something rather than just hanging out and waiting.

Warning! Heading in to possible TMI! The doc did want to take another culture of my cervix mucus. My doc is finding out that certain types of bacteria in the cervix can have an effect on fertility and and may "influence" pregnancy loss. My doc decided to test me for this as I've lost two pregnancies ... If I do carry bacteria, then Husband and I will be placed on meds (Husband, too, because we would just pass it back and forth. Ew).  I haven't done much research about it - but plan to! I'm the type of person that always wants to be informed and in-the-know. But it will definitely be interesting to see how the culture comes back. If it is indeed positive - then that would explain a lot!

Until then, I have my schedule set and we're back in the game!

~M

To quote Jessie Spano ...

"I'm so excited! I'm ... so ... scared!"

It's THE month, my friends. This is the month Husband and I are able to start trying to conceive again. I'm feeling a lot of emotions: excited, nervous, dread ...

I'm excited because I'm happy to be on the bandwagon again. I'm happy that we get another shot at conceiving. Excited and hoping that this time may be all that we need to get pregnant.

I'm nervous because I don't (really, really don't) want to go through what I did in January and February: the joy, the happiness, and then the sudden slap of horrible news, the pain, the tears ... I'm not so sure I can handle going through that again.

I am dreading this month in a way because of the drugs. It's been three months since I've had any fertility drugs pumped in my system. I don't like how they make me feel. I don't like the intrution with all the ultrasounds and shots and bloodwork. It was one thing when it happened every month - it's like I got into a rhythm. But now that I've been out of the game for three months - it's just a bit harder to step back in.

However, all the balls can't get rolling again until I get my period. So we wait. Because my cycle is so off from the miscarriage and D&C - I'm not exactly sure when my period will come - I've got a ballpark guess. That's about it. AND I'm getting a bit more nervous in the fact that Husband will be leaving for Colorado in a few weeks. So if my lovely period doesn't come SOON the timing could be totally off and we miss our window. I would in no way want him to miss Colorado (his best friend's bachelor party). Husband has been looking forward to this since last year!

THUS - I just pray. Pray that everything will work out. That if this is our month - then God will take control and it will be as it should be.

There's not much more to do than that ...

~M

Happy Birthday to Husband!

Today is Husband's birthday. He's 33 years old. THIRTY-THREE!! I met this amazing man was he was 21 - about to start his senior year in college. He was quiet, so funny, and shy.

Almost thirteen years later ... He's still quiet - but now I know the quiet means he's listening or making observations (he's so good at that!). He is even MORE funny than when we first met. I laugh so much with him. Not a day goes by that I don't think to myself I can't wait to tell Husband this story! So we can then laugh and laugh about it. He's not as shy anymore either - but he has this way with people that once he walks away they turn to me and say "You have THE nicest husband!"

Yes. Yes, I do.

I LOVE to give cards. I'm a card fanatic. I'm pretty sure I keep Kirklin's rolling in the dough on my business alone. This year I hit the jackpot on Husband's birthday cards. I have two funnies for the day - one in the morning I always sign from me and the dog (we really love our dog). One for during the day around lunch time. And then the mushy card at the end of the day with his presents. And I think this is one of my best cards yet!

During our engagement I would give Husband a card each month leading up to our wedding - just to remind him how much I loved him and how excited I was to become his wife. One of his favorite cards (and mine too) that I gave him said on the front: "On the ship of life..." and you open it up it said: "You're my soul matey"

Perfect, right?!?! I don't think I've been able to top that card since.

But then I found this years' card.

Outside:

Inside says:

Could there be a more perfect card?!?! I think not. He DOES have a heart of gold. One of the main things I love about him (and envy, at times) is his ability to ALWAYS be kind. Always. He is one of the kindest people I know. And I totally rocked that hair when I was like four years old. I was all about the bowl cut.

I'm so excited to cook Husband a meal (this is a big deal - as Husband is the cook in the family), watch him open his presents, and spend time together.

I'm thankful he's mine. I'm thankful that he has two amazing parents that raised him to be such a wonderful man. I'm thankful he loves me, is patient with me, and takes care of me.

I'm thankful to be his wife.

Happy Birthday to my husband.

~M

Husband with our nephew, Ben

Faking It

That's right. Sometimes I fake it. Not to brag or anything, but I'm really good at it.

And, no, I'm not talking about with Husband. :)

I fake happiness. Now, I don't do it all the time. I'd like to consider myself a geniunely happy person with a slightly pessimistic spin. Does that even make sense?! But there are times where fake happiness must make an appearance. I find that more and more in my infertility journey - my ability to fake happiness is getting a work out! Sometimes I dislike myself for my ability. Other times I'm grateful for it.

It always seems like everyone is getting pregnant. And just when you thought that everyone IS pregnant; more everyones become pregnant. Lovely.

As I've said in a previous post - I still choose joy for those that are pregnant, have given birth, have adopted a child ... all those things are miracles in itself! But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I still get down. I still need to fake happiness here and there because really, people. Infertility is HARD. It SUCKS. If you let it consume you (as I've done in the past) - it's even exhausting. Very, very exhausting.

I'm the lone ranger in our group of friends. Husband and I are the only couple without children. So friend conversations now revolve around babies, children, day care, birth, pregnancy, diapers, baby toys ... you name it. I can hold my own a bit because I have five adorable nieces and nephews so I at least have an idea of what they are talking about. But there are times when I just want to walk outside and let out the loudest and longest frustrated scream. Then calmly walk back inside all better. Or maybe just change the subject all together. How about those Blues, eh? We're actually going to make it to the playoffs!!

No such luck.

Sometimes I'll escape the female chatter and go hang out with Husband and the guys. There I can sit quietly and save myself from endless baby talk. I can only take so much.

Or I just fake it. And then I feel bad that I'm faking it b/c these are my friends! I care about them and their families! I don't like being a bad friend ...

But ... there's always a "but" ... I'm only as strong as I let myself be. Most of the time if I fake happiness - I usually can fight through the woe-is-me fog that wants to settle around me. Other times I'm able to table it and throw my brief pity party once I'm by myself. Or I handle as much as I can and then go to Husband and whisper "Please get me out of here" to which he will with complete understanding.

This weekend we are having friends over with their children. It's so wonderful to be able to get together and entertain at our house. But I know I'm in for baby talk out of this world. And this time, I won't be able to escape it (it being my house and all...). These friends don't know about our latest miscarriage and what we've been through. I've always been very vocal about our journey - but I've discovered that some (actually, most) people get  uncomfortable. And I don't blame them! What do you say?! Usually if I bring it up - I'm met with pitying looks and/or silence. So I shut my trap and on we go.

So my advice to you and all those out there with friends struggling with infertility - just ask them how they are doing. Ask them if they are okay. Listen to them. Let them talk it out. Give them a reassuring hand or hug and just simply say: I am so sorry you are going through this.

I would give anything - ANYTHING! if one of our friends would look at me and say "Mara, how are you doing?" And then just let me talk and be there to listen. If I didn't have my mother or Husband or this blog - I would have no way to talk about infertility. Why is that?! How did infertility become a four letter word that no one talks about?!

I've promised myself to never forget. I will never forget how infertility has affected me. I will always drop everything to listen and support anyone I know going through this. Infertility can be a lonely journey for couples and especially lonely for women. I don't ever want another woman to feel alone or left out like I have felt by other women.

My hcg has officially gone negative. It took my body awhile to realize that I wasn't pregnant anymore. So if everything continues it's course - we should be ready to go in April. I'm beyond nervous. I'm full of what-if's: what if it doesn't work? what if something goes wrong? What if we have to do IVF (which scares me to no end ...)

God's got something going on, I know. I'm not a particular fan of what's going on at the moment but He is God after all. Who am I to question? (Although, I can't help it!). I'm just going to continue to pray for peace and courage to get through what is ahead.

There's a lot ahead for us. Hopefully, I won't have to fake it ever again.

~M

Make 'em laugh!

A day without laughter is a day wasted. - Charlie Chaplin

This past week Husband and I have done a lot of laughing. Maybe it's because I was gone for a week with my mama in Miami and we missed each other terribly. Nevertheless - we've laughed a ton; watching our favorite shows or movie; dancing goofy to music; or just poking fun at each other. It's been so ... refreshing.

I met Husband in college through a mutual friend (Thanks, Nate!). While Husband didn't talk very much whenever Nate and I would run into him - he sure did smile a lot. Thus I coined the term "Smiling Baffoon" No, not the most complimentary nickname but it stuck. Then one day, I actually got to talk with Husband and He. Was. Hilarious. I swear I didn't stop laughing for most of the night. Not only is Husband a good looking fellow (biased!) but he has the BEST sense of humor. He'll whip out these one line zingers that I still laugh at years later. His perspective is so different from mine that he'll pick things out I never thought of - and then we'll laugh hysterically together. Love. It.

I'm naturally a goofy person and I adore the fact that Husband appreciates my goofiness and goes along with me. Together, we are one ridiculous couple.

Today and this week - I hope your world is filled with laughter. Go watch a funny movie (I can't wait for The Dictator to come out!) or read a funny book. Or just people watch. There is always something funny in that.

Good times.

A sense of humor ... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person deep down has a pretty good grasp on life. - Hugh Sidey

Everybody laughs in the same language because laughter is a universal connection. - Yakov Smirnoff

~M

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall ...

It's been five days since my D&C. Big props to St. Luke's Hospital's Women's Surgery group - they rock. They were so sweet with me and made me feel at ease. The only truly physical pain I had was getting the IV in my hand (OW!!). But I was always wrapped in warm blankets and they would stop to tell me they were sorry I was here. Their understanding and empathy was just wonderful - and helped to calm me.

I then spent the rest of the week and through the weekend laying around in my cozy robe. The drugs they gave me lasted all day Thursday - but when Friday hit ... good lawd. It was intense. I was pounding Advil b/c I didn't want to take the heavy duty pain killer they gave me. ick.

And, of course, I cried. I cried when I came out of surgery. I cried on the way home. I REALLY cried the next day when the pain was at it's peak. Saturday I forced myself to leave the house and get a facial. (It was lovely). I pushed Husband out the door Saturday night so he could go meet up with his buddies. I can only imagine how he probably needed to get out of our house. I was (kinda still am...) a huge buzz kill. One person can handle only so much crying and robe wearing.

I'm back at work now. Still bleeding and still uncomfortable but I thought I was getting better until I looked at myself in the mirror last night. Good. God. I swear I look like Humpty Dumpty. My belly looks like an egg. I seriously look like I've gained 20 pounds and it's all in my middle. Cue the tears.

As I'm crying - Husband wants to know what is wrong. "I look like Humpty Dumpty!" I wail and bury my face back in my kleenex. Husband hesitated, wondering if he heard me right. "Um ... Humpty Dumpty?" he asks. "Yes!" I cry (and/or sob). And then I finally look at him. He's trying not to laugh at me. He's got that grin you get when you are desperately trying not to laugh out loud. And of course, I get mad and rip of robe. "Look at my stomach! Look how huge I look!" He stares at me - "I don't see anything."

Oh bless his heart, my lying Husband. He's supposed to say that! If he was like "Holy crap! You're huge!" that would have just caused more tears and disasters. He answered correctly but I still told him he's supposed to say he doesn't see anything b/c he's my husband. And then I stomped off to finish my pitiful cry on the couch.

I called the doctor this morning because if you go on the internet it always gives you a diagnosis one step away from death. My humpty dumpty appearance isn't totally normal - but I just might be retaining water. Drink gatorade they tell me. I rather poke my eye out. I cannot handle gatorade after my two weeks of drinking nothing but (remember back in September?)... So I call Mom. Vitamin Mom to the rescue! She researches and finds that if I take like 10 gazillion pills of alfalfa - it will help. I'll just pee a lot. Okay. That I can handle. Heading to Whole Foods asap.

The fun just never ends, eh?

I was trying to explain to Husband how this experience has made me feel and I thought of two words: defective and broken. Kind of one in the same ... Women are made to bear children. And here I am unable to do the one thing I am made to do. I feel unwomanly and like a failure. And then you play the what if game ... What if we started sooner? What if we went straight to IUI instead of wasting our time trying to conceive as naturally as we could? It's just an endless cycle. And so not worth it. I'm trying to get out of my black cloud. I know I'm not fun to be around. I haven't really enjoyed being around me either!

Mom and I head to Miami on Saturday for our annual Mommy/Daughter trip. And it's supposed to rain EVERY DAY we are there. Figures. But at least it will be warm and rainy there rather than cold and rainy here. I'm looking forward to just getting away with my mom and being around another woman. I straight up just want my mommy.

So I'm taking it one day at a time. Wearing lots of leggings with longer tops thanks to my Humpty Dumpty syndrome. I'm hoping I feel somewhat like myself soon. This is just pure misery. I truly, truly hope that I never never never never ever have to go through this again. [shudder].

~M

Amazing Husband

I have to brag about Husband. He is, quite simply, amazing. More and more I realize just how amazing he is - through each of our trials and bumps in our journey ... He. Is. Amazing.

I was reminded (again) of this these past few weeks. To update you from my last post ... I got pregnant! I took a test and the nurses called and I was overcome with joy. I mean squeal and run around the room giggling like a maniac joy. I left work immediately and drove the 25 minutes to Husband's work where I blubbered all over him trying to tell him we were pregnant while everyone he works with was leaving the office for lunch and staring at us. (He was slightly embarrassed ...) I then drove the 30 minutes to my parent's house screaming "MOM! MOOOOOOMMMMMM!" Until I found her and then blubbered all over her and my dad.

It was wonderful. Husband walked around with a bit of a dumbfounded look on his face like this is really happening. And would nod and smile at me when I insisted that my belly was growing and I needed cute maternity clothes asap. We started talking names. Husband would rub my belly every night before bed. I bought tons of books and would read them out loud to Husband (who is not a fan of reading). We started planning and talking of our future and of the year to come. It was just lovely.

At six weeks, we headed to the doctor to get our first ultrasound. We'd get to see the heart beat and do a check up. Talk about excited! We walked into the hospital holding hands and I teased Husband that we may have twins. It was so fun. Then the ultrasound. No heartbeat. And the fetus was super small. I laid on the table and cried for 15 minutes while the (insensitive) ultrasound lady took a gazillion pictures. And then we heard the news we already knew: failed pregnancy.

I (somewhat) held it together while we were in the doctor's office. But the minute we got to the car - I sobbed. Wracking, silent crying at times sobs. Husband just sat with me and held my hand. I called my mom and sobbed some more. Bless her heart - she called everyone we had told so I wouldn't have to. The rest of the day had me sobbing at random times; usually out of the blue. Husband would just hold me or scratch my back, rub my hair ... I was so wrapped up in myself and how I was feeling that I never thought to ask if he was okay. I finally came to my senses when I saw him crying with me at one point. My body has to go through the miscarriage - but Husband has to watch it all unfold (and feel helpless). I don't know if one is worse than the other.

Tomorrow I get a suction D&C where they will suction out my uterus lining and test the tissue to see if it can tell us anything. I will bleed (a lot). And we won't be able to try to conceive until April. APRIL. Needless to say - I'm bumming hard core.

But Husband ... wonderful, amazing Husband. He has been right by my side this ENTIRE time. He takes time away from work, he stays home, he sits next to me for long periods of time to hold me when I cry. He makes me laugh. He get's me out of my blue mood. In a nutshell, he's been my rock; my anchor. I honestly have taken him for granted. What is second hat to me b/c Husband is like this all the time - is not necessarily true for everyone else. I am horribly, horribly spoiled by him.

And if he is this amazing with me - don't you think he will be the best gosh darn father, ever?!?! Yes. Yes he will.

So this post is a tribute to my husband. Who makes me laugh, makes me feel sexy, is sweet, KIND, funny as hell, super handsome, and a sexy beast. :) I truly, truly love him.

~M