We're having ...

BOYS!!

We snuck in at 16 weeks for the big reveal. Batman made it pretty clear that he is all boy. While poor Robin was smooshed to the side and did not want to uncross his legs - so the technician did her best and told us boys. We decided to wait for the 20 week check up for the final verdict and there were our two beautiful boys. Love it. They have long arms (like their daddy) and are measuring right on target. Thankfully, I'm feeling really good! Sleeping is still a challenge but you do what you gotta do. I've only gained 10 pounds so far - I'm anticipating my third trimester to add a lot of poundage! :) It's my goal to make it to 37 weeks (the first week of January). I'm hoping if I keep walking and eating right (I've had a few sugary setbacks ... okay well, quite a few sugar setbacks ...) that I can avoid the major hiccups I might encounter during Week 28 thru 32; which is when complications can arise for pregnant woman with twins. But my doctor is optimisitic. So I will be too!

In other news - we had a WONDERFUL time in Colorado. The weather was chilly; which after the suffering we've been doing in STL; was a wonderful change. We sat on our balconey a lot, looked at the mountain and breathed the fresh air. We did go up the mountain one day - between my belly and Husband's booted foot (broken big toe) we didn't do a lot of hiking. BUT we did do quite a bit of walking around the trails at the bottom of the mountain. Husband was a big trooper and is a pro at walking with that boot! We talked about everything. Our children. Names. Our fears. The joys. We marveled at my growing belly ... All in all - a fantastic and wonderful babymoon. I'm lucky to have Husband. And my boys! Plus we got to swing by my brother's in Denver on our way home. I hadn't seen him in over 7 months - so it was wonderful to be able to sit and catch up for a couple of hours. I'm blessed with a wonderful family that looks out for one another. :)

At 21 weeks - the boys are kicking and moving around like crazy. It makes me giggle and grin like a fool. Not the best face to have on when you're in meetings - but I can't help it! It's just crazy to think that these two guys are moving and shaking in my belly. They've woken me up a few times at night - I'm convinced they are having their own MMA fight or something in there! I still rub my belly an awful lot; which in turn encourages others to also rub my belly. Take note ladies! If you rub your belly in public others will think it's fair game for them! Kinda awkward. Not gonna lie.

20 weeks self shot - in the morning and with no make-up on. Lovely.

This past weekend we registered - and it was stressful and fun all at the same time! Stay tuned!

~M

What not to say ...

People say the darndest things, eh? I so enjoy (sometimes) when people feel they can say anything they want to you without thinking what is really coming out of their mouth. I had a what not to say to a woman struggling with infertility and now I have a list of what not to say to a pregnant woman. I have to hold myself back from repeatedly kicking people in their shins with all their ridiculousness. Doesn't anyone think before they speak anymore?!

1. You're going to be HUGE!
This from everyone and their brother when I tell them I'm pregnant with twins. Thank you, Captain Obvious. I am already aware that I may get somewhat larger than the average bear. However, when I already have lost sight of my waist and I feel as if my boobs and belly have overtaken me - I appreciate you building up my confidence by telling me I will be huge. Can't we just stick with "cute"?

2. You're boobs are gigantic!
Yes, I have had people say this to me. Mostly older woman. A few guys here and there give me a wide eye look ... Yes, I know. They are large. I'm very much trying not to put them on display but maternity clothes can be ugly and I'm still trying to be somewhat fashionable while I can before I just give up and resort to sweats. I'm not gonna lie - I miss my "old" boobs. They fit me just fine. I don't know how Jessica Simpson handles these things on a daily basis!

3. Get some sleep now! You're not going to get it for the rest of your life!
Really? Really? If only you knew, Clueless One, that I'm already NOT sleeping. Sleep?! I don't even know what that is anymore. I just know the sun goes down and I'm supposed to lay in my bed and shift around all night while my hip subtly tortures me. But thank goodness for your sound advice on getting some sleep! I never thought of that!

4. I know someone who had a horrible experience while they were pregnant and I want to tell you all about it!
What is wrong with people?! I've had two women - TWO - tell me that they also were carrying twins and miscarried one at four months/five months ... Why in heaven's name would you tell me that?! Why would you regale me with your horrendous birth stories or tell me wayyyyyyy more about your vagina than I ever wanted to know?! Is it really that hard to say: Congratulations! What wonderful news. And then end it there?! Why, yes, I guess it is.

5. You need this stroller/this daycare/this doctor/this hospital. You're going where?! That's horrible. You should do this ...
Shut. Up. Please just shut it. I am squirming in my seat in order to not kick you in the shins. Did I ask for your opinion? Nope. If I asked - by all means, please do tell. But I sure don't recall asking. AND if I answer your silly question and you disagree, keep it to yourself. I've been researching strollers/hospitals/daycares, etc and I know what I want. So stuff it. Just nod your head and tell me that all sounds lovely. See? Easy-peasy.

6. Did you try for twins on purpose?
Say wha-? Did we try for twins on purpose?! Now, how in the world of biology would I actively be able to try for twins?! Did you just hear what came out of your mouth?! The first time someone asked me this (yes, there has been more than one) I actually stared at them for a full 10 seconds before I got my wits about me to answer. I was so taken aback that someone would think (and this a grown woman with children of her own) that you could actually try for twins. It still boggles my mind how some people's brain works ...

7. You must have spent a fortune on IVF.
*sigh* From the start I have been completely open with my infertility journey. I have always strongly felt that women are not fully educated in fertility and the more I talk about it - the more people learn. I was lucky to be able to get pregnant using IUI. However, couples that get to the IVF stage - it can be very sensitive. Yes, it's expensive but you don't know their journey in getting there! You don't know what that woman has been through so to ask something so callous and insensitive, just gets my goat. Not to mention it is completely none of your business what I spent on my infertility or how I came about getting pregnant! It's like asking what my husband's salary is or how much I paid for my house. eesh.

8. Ooooh! I'm going to rub my hands all over your belly!
No, no you are not. If you are my close friend, favorite aunt, my mother, or my husband - you are allowed to rub my belly anytime you want. If you are a complete stranger, a family member I hardly ever see, a co-worker, a complete moron - you cannot rub my belly. Ever. I get it - you see a pregnant belly and it's just instinct to want to reach out and touch. My advice: ask first if you are just dying to rub the belly. If the mother says "No, thank you" (like my cousin did fabulously to an over-zealous aunt) then step back and say okay. It's awkward enough to have to say no but I do appreciate the choice TO say no. Here's a better idea: just don't rub pregnant women's bellies.


I'm sure as time goes on I'll be adding to this list! Thankfully, I can laugh at it. It's fun to come home and tell Husband the silly things that happened to me with people or what has been said. We get a real kick out of it!

Tomorrow we are sneaking in an ultrasound to see if we can find out Batman and Robin's genders. I'm 16 1/2 weeks along so it is a tad bit early (my 20 week appointment isn't until September 11th. Too far away!!!). I'd just like to know so that we can get registering and nursery decorating ... my goal is to have everything done for the babies by Thanksgiving. You never know when they might decide to show up! I found out this weekend that when my grandmother was pregnant with her twins (my aunt and uncle) they were due on my due date (January 25th) but they came December 7th. Gulp.

As I'm Matron of Honor in my cousin's wedding on December 8th - I tell Batman and Robin on a daily basis that they can appear anytime AFTER December 8th. They just need to let Mommy be at the wedding and do her wedding duties. I'll be 33 weeks ... My goal (and prayer) is that I make it to 37 weeks with no bed rest! Keep your fingers crossed!!

~M

Being an "FI"

My adorable mother has so enjoyed buying me pregnancy magazines. Some are meh - but one I really do enjoy: Fit Pregnancy. There is a lot of good stuff in there! An article in particular really hit a chord with me: Formerly Infertile. The author, Leslie Goldman, named us girls who have struggled with infertility and now are pregnant "Former Infertiles" (or FI's). She also talked about how an FI pregnancy is a different roller coaster all together compared to those women who had no struggle getting pregnant.

I found myself nodding my head in agreement at almost everything she wrote. Leslie states that FI's can struggle with so many more emotions than the average pregnant woman: guilt, an identity crisis, high anxiety, nerves ...

There's the guilt among our infertile sisters for becoming pregnant. There's also the guilt in complaining about the pregnancy. It's like you've waited so long and NOW you're sitting here complaining?! I find myself in the latter boat...I catch myself whining to Husband - my head is pounding! I haven't slept since June 7th (I'm not kidding. I really haven't slept since that day. It was a wonderful sleep). My left hip is KILLING me (due to all the weight I've suddenly developed in front. Thanks, boobs and belly). And so on.

And then I catch myself. This pregnancy is what I've wanted for three years! It's what I've cried over and journaled and daydreamed. But, yet, I'm complaining about my hip? I feel as an FI - I should just be so thankful for every hardship ... Leslie, however, says it is okay for us to complain! Pregnancy is HARD and definitely not pain free (hello, twins here). We, even as an FI, have the right to vent a bit. BUT seek support with the right ears.

Leslie also discussed the emotions of nervousness and high anxiety. Hello, me. I SO have this. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. There are times I'm convinced that something will go wrong; that something is bound to happen to my babies thus I just sit and worry endlessly. Or if I'm NOT sick one day - I get afraid that something is wrong with the babies. I should be sick! I've been sick every day for the past 13 weeks! I'm a wreck until I get to the doctor and see the babies on the ultrasound machine. I've been driving my husband crazy with all my worrying, googling, researching, stressing. I want to enjoy this pregnancy - but for three years I've had nothing but diappointment. It's hard to make the switch that my babies might just be okay! 

Now at almost 16 weeks, I'm a bit more calm. I have a nice beer gut going on and I feel as if I'm out of the danger zone. Not to mention when my high risk doctor told me that the babies looked wonderful and I am showing no signs of miscarriage - that sure did help.

Then there's also the identity crisis. For years, I've been an infertile woman dodging the when are you going to have kids?! questions and trying to keep my despair from showing through. Suddenly (but not really suddenly) I'm going to be a mother ... of twins! To shift gears and look at myself in the mirror as a mother is something that I still find surreal. To actually become a mother when I've been through a lot of heartache - is ... frightening. Exhilarating! Scary. Joyful! It's just an amazing roller coaster....

I was so thankful to have stumbled upon this article. Leslie helped me take a deep breath and remember that I'm okay. I'm normal! And that in itself is comforting!!

~M

Seeing Double

I know I've been super MIA lately and have left everyone hanging (all one of you?) - so for that I apologize. I just wanted to be super, super sure before I announced to the blog-o-sphere.

We. Are. Pregnant.

And it's amazing and scary and wonderful and crazy and surreal ... because we are having twins. Yes, you read that right the first time. Ta-win-s. And every time I rub my (already large - at least to me!) belly, I just laugh in delight. I have two babies in there! Two! We totally got a Payless BOGO (buy one, get one)! We knew there would be a risk of multiples when we dived in with four eggs at the beginning of May - but I (naively?) believed we wouldn't have twins.

Color me surprised!

I was feeling pretty sick at six weeks in addition to having the mother of all sinus infections; which is never pleasant when you can't take the proper meds. Husband and I headed into the ultrasound with lots of prayers and since I was feeling nauseous, we took that as a hopeful sign. We get in the room and I'm saying a last prayer for God to prepare me for what we may find (remember it didn't go so well last time) when before I could look at the screen, the technician exclaims: "Oh! There's two sacs!"

Husband's hand immediately went limp in mine.

I, on the other hand, proceed to laugh. And laugh. And laugh. Then cry (joyfully). And there, on the screen, were our babies with their heartbeats flashing fast and strong. I was just so overcome with such joy and thankfulness.

Husband was a bit stunned. My darling, kind husband is not one for spontenaity. I joke that if you put us next to a pool, I would cannon ball in while he would stand on the steps and take them one at a time. That's why we balance each other so well, I like to think. I'm impulsive; Husband is thoughtful and takes time to weigh his options. Our twins didn't give him much of a chance to ease into the pool - he had to cannon ball in with me!

When we got to the car, I called my parents where I laughed and cried with them over a healthy pregnancy and twins. (TWINS!) I called my brothers where they also laughed. Husband I decided to wait to tell his parents as my MIL would worry big time - so we thought to save her the two weeks of misery and tell them after the 8 week ultrasound to just make sure everything was continuing in the right direction.
It was (is). So when we told my in-laws, my adorable mother-in-law jumped up and down screaming and then screamed louder when she realized it was twins. It's just been the happiest time and the HARDEST thing to keep my trap shut. I want to tell everyone and their mother's brother's uncle that I'm pregnant and with twins!
I've become a researching fool. Our idea of getting a mid-sized SUV has now turned to minivan search (it's just more practical). I've been researching twin strollers, how to register for twins, what to expect when you are expecting twins ... you name it. Me and the Internet are super buds.

I am considered high risk, tho. This is technically my fourth pregnancy since I've miscarried three previous times. I'll be with my OB - but I'm also meeting with the perinatal group to stay on top of my high riskness.

We are over-the-moon happy. And, yes, scared. I'm not so scared about carrying twins or what could happen while I'm pregnant ... I'm more worried about the after. Suddenly I will have two children. Two children who I will need to breast feed. Two sets of diapers to change. Two sets of clothes to wash. Two sets of spit up ... Well, it's definitely going to be an adventure and I'm so so so so so so thankful that God has blessed us. That He was with me all this time. I truly believe He wanted to prepare us. He (obviously) knew he was going to give us twins - and He made sure we would be ready.

Oh, we'll be ready. Er ... as ready as we can be! I mean, it's not like we've done this whole pregnancy, baby thing before!

But Husband and I are a solid team. And I know we'll be just fine. And we have two wonderful soon-to-be grandmas who live less than 20 minutes away. That always helps too. A lot. A whole, whole, whole lot.

We had our 12 weeks check up yesterday (even tho I'm officially 12 weeks, 5 days) and got the blessing to tell the world. It's been SO MUCH FUN! I still have my times that I'll wake up at 3 a.m. and think: Holy Crap. Twins. but I'm so thankful and joyful that the babies are healthy.

Here's our announcement made by my amazing cousin, Heather, of Honeyscope Design:

~M

The latest and greatest ...

Ready for an update?!

Last Wednesday, I got my first make-my-eggs-bigger shot. We used a different medicine than before because of the dosage I needed my "old" medicine no longer carries. So instead of paying more money, we decided to try the cheaper meds. Silly Mara. If it ain't broke - don't fix it! Returning for an ultrasound on Friday - we discovered that my eggs barely grew. So the unfriendly ultrasound technician sends me on my way and tells me the nurses will call me once they talk with the doctor.

My instinctive reaction: I'm crushed. I cry. I call Husband and bemoan the fact that nothing ever goes right. Why would God have this happen?! wah wah wah. Pitiful, right? Right. I haven't even spoken to the nurses or my doctor and I'm ready to throw in the towel! Husband was a bit frustrated with me - understandably. I then realized I need to get my head on straight as I resume my TTC journey. I can't be weepy and negative all the time. I need to gear myself back up but with God as the center. Our sermons at church these past few Sundays have been spot on for me and have really given me a good frame of mind as Husband and I re-enter the world of infertility.

Anyhoo - the Nurse calls later in the day and they want me to go back on my original medicine. So I'm scrambling to find a pharmacy where I can fill  this prescription. Not a lot of pharmacies just stock fertility drugs... Of course, I have Express Scripts so Walgreens is out of the question. Harrumph. Oh, and did I mention I was at an offsite gathering in Illinois therefore was nowhere near a pharmacy? Well, I was. So my amazing, thoughtful and so kind mother drives to a random pharmacy to get me what I need. Love. Her.

I give myself two more shots over the weekend to boost the eggs a bit more. Go back in Monday to check the status: the eggs are bigger ... but not big enough. No worries! said the nurse. We'll have you come back in Wednesday and then IUI on Thursday and Friday if your eggs are fully mature.

That would be just fine and dandy - if Husband wasn't heading out of town Thursday afternoon for four days. [sound of tires screeching to a halt]

Well, Husband just stays home, right? No. I didn't want him to stay home! He's had this trip planned for a loonnggg time. He's headed out with his buddies. He's so so so been looking forward to it. After much talk - I told him to go and feel guilty no more. We can't let infertility control our lives! Life goes on! And I was not going to have him miss this trip!

Which leads me to the point of this post (ramble much?!). Timing. I know I've blogged about this before ...Fertility is all about timing. God has perfect timing. I need to remember that! His timing. His plan. I heard a song on the radio today that talked about his mercies through trials. My infertility has certainly been a trial. We're on Year Three - I never thought it would be this hard to get pregnant. Too many romance novels or something.

So what happened? I went in yesterday to discover I have four mature eggs. FOUR! I've never ever had four mature eggs before! And they are huge! So big, in fact, that I'm borderline overstimulated. Thus my ovaries are a bit swollen and sore. BUT the nurses felt we could proceed with IUI if I'm aware that there is a chance I could have multiples if all four eggs go forth and meet sperm. (gulp).

Side Trip: I don't think I've ever explained IUI, have I? IUI is the shortened name for Intrauterine Insemination. We take a cup of Husband's sperm, get it washed and purified, and then inject it directly into my uterus with a long skinny thingy. The "joke" you hear a lot is that it's like a turkey baster. (ew). It's all very scientific and as unromantic as you can possibly imagine. Husband always comes with me and holds my hand through the entire procedure. (I love him. I really, really do.) The procedure is not the most comfortable one. And there are times when cramping is involved afterwards. But it's all for a good cause, of course! Husband jokes that he will always be in the room with me when they do the procedure as to not miss when our child was conceived. Ha! End of side trip.

So with four fully matured eggs (four!!) - we decided to go for it. Yesterday, after receiving my "trigger" shot (to start ovulation) in the morning, Husband and I went back that afternoon for my first IUI. Then we went back this morning for our second IUI. Traditionally, when you get your trigger shot, you head back the NEXT day to receive your first IUI followed 24 hours later by your second (and final) IUI. In our case, we sped up the process a bit. There is a chance that all four eggs could take. There is also a chance that NONE of the eggs could take as we did things a bit earlier in terms of timing.

And I'm okay. I'll be okay if no eggs fertilize. Will I be disappointed? You bet! I'm only human here! But I continue to remind myself of God's timing. His timing is perfect and is right. I am trusting Him with all this and not trying to take it in my own hands. Through a lot of this journey - I was trying to deal with it on my own - yet getting mad at God when it didn't go my way. God knows the desires of my heart.

My prayers have changed too. Of course, I will always pray that God will bless us and I am able to get pregnant. But I'm also praying that God works in me and my reactions. That if this cycle turns up negative - I will handle it with grace and determination to head into the next cycle! I'm praying that I don't obsess over every little thing as I head into the dreaded waiting period. I'm praying that I stay faithful.

So cross your fingers - the waiting has begun.

~M

~M

Annnnndddd .... We're off!

Went to my fertility doctor this morning. Things are looking good! My lining is nice and my ovaries are quiet (which is a good thing at this stage). So now we're back in the swing of things!

Church these past few Sundays has been amazing and so uplifting. I feel as if I'm in a good place mentally and spiritually. I feel centered. I feel good. So if we don't get pregnant this month - at least we are back in the groove. We're finally doing something rather than just hanging out and waiting.

Warning! Heading in to possible TMI! The doc did want to take another culture of my cervix mucus. My doc is finding out that certain types of bacteria in the cervix can have an effect on fertility and and may "influence" pregnancy loss. My doc decided to test me for this as I've lost two pregnancies ... If I do carry bacteria, then Husband and I will be placed on meds (Husband, too, because we would just pass it back and forth. Ew).  I haven't done much research about it - but plan to! I'm the type of person that always wants to be informed and in-the-know. But it will definitely be interesting to see how the culture comes back. If it is indeed positive - then that would explain a lot!

Until then, I have my schedule set and we're back in the game!

~M

To quote Jessie Spano ...

"I'm so excited! I'm ... so ... scared!"

It's THE month, my friends. This is the month Husband and I are able to start trying to conceive again. I'm feeling a lot of emotions: excited, nervous, dread ...

I'm excited because I'm happy to be on the bandwagon again. I'm happy that we get another shot at conceiving. Excited and hoping that this time may be all that we need to get pregnant.

I'm nervous because I don't (really, really don't) want to go through what I did in January and February: the joy, the happiness, and then the sudden slap of horrible news, the pain, the tears ... I'm not so sure I can handle going through that again.

I am dreading this month in a way because of the drugs. It's been three months since I've had any fertility drugs pumped in my system. I don't like how they make me feel. I don't like the intrution with all the ultrasounds and shots and bloodwork. It was one thing when it happened every month - it's like I got into a rhythm. But now that I've been out of the game for three months - it's just a bit harder to step back in.

However, all the balls can't get rolling again until I get my period. So we wait. Because my cycle is so off from the miscarriage and D&C - I'm not exactly sure when my period will come - I've got a ballpark guess. That's about it. AND I'm getting a bit more nervous in the fact that Husband will be leaving for Colorado in a few weeks. So if my lovely period doesn't come SOON the timing could be totally off and we miss our window. I would in no way want him to miss Colorado (his best friend's bachelor party). Husband has been looking forward to this since last year!

THUS - I just pray. Pray that everything will work out. That if this is our month - then God will take control and it will be as it should be.

There's not much more to do than that ...

~M